Things Are Never Easy
by LA Made Me
Summary: Santana has always been deadly afraid to come out; the day she decides to do it, she realizes she might have had a good reason to be so frightened... Follow Santana down the road to self-acceptance, friendship and eventually, love.
1. Confessions

**Title:** Things Are Never Easy

**Pairing:** Santana / Brittany

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Glee or any of its characters.

**Summary :** Santana had always been deadly afraid to come out. The day she decides to do it, she realizes she might have had a good reason to be so frightened.

**A/N : I wanted to know how Santana could come out to her parents. I'm afraid RIB will go like "Oh, Britt, by the way, I came out to my parents." next season, and I really would like it to be more. I would like her whole coming out to be a long road for her, something hard and painful... All the parents aren't as accepting as Burt Hummel, and I would like Glee to talk about those kids for who telling their family (and friends) they're gay is a hard thing.**

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><p><strong>Chapter 1 : <strong>**Confessions**

That was it. That was the day. She was going to do it.

Santana Lopez was in her bedroom, sitting on her bed, her legs crossed under her; she was looking at a picture of Brittany and her, letting memories take over her thoughts. It was an old picture, taken back in the days when they were 5 or 6; it was Brittany's birthday, and the two girls were holding each other by the shoulder, Brittany's hand clutching firmly the stuffed duck Santana had offered her as a gift, never letting it go. With the other hand, she was tickling Santana's ribs, a mischievous smile on her face as she watched the smaller girl, who was laughing so hard she couldn't even look at the photographer. Santana could almost remember the laugh of Brittany's father who was desperately trying to get them to stay still, so that he could take one picture of them where they wouldn't move. He didn't succeed, but that was part of what made that picture so perfect.

_I can do this._ She kept repeating in her head. _I can do this. For B. For us… For me._

Her mother interrupted her thoughts, calling her from downstairs.

"Santana ! Dinner's ready!"

"I'm coming!"

She took one last look at the picture before shuffling it into her pocket, took a big inspiration and went downstairs to join the dinner table.

She stopped by the dining room door. Taking a look at her mother bringing the dinner on the table, while her father was reading the newspaper. Like any other day. She knew what she was about to say was going to change the whole otherwise calm atmosphere. Had she been able to see her own face in that moment, she would have seen the same sad frown she worn every time she had to watch Brittany with Artie – when they were still together. The same frown she also had at the end of Songbird, or when she had confessed feelings she wasn't sure would be reciprocated.

She snapped out of her thoughts, shook her head, and walked into the dining room to take her usual sit beside her mother, in front of her dad.

She didn't look at them. They started eating, neither of them talking; they didn't really have anything to say to each other anyway. The only sound was the sound of the forks in the plates, and the sound of chewing. The only words that escaped her father's mouth were some muffled compliments about the food; otherwise, the silence was deafening.

She averted her eyes to look at them, and broke the silence, putting her fork and knife soundly on each side of her plate. Her parents both looked at her, startled by her unexpected outburst, and she looked at each of them before blurting the words that weighted on her mind.

"I'm gay."

_Damn it Lopez, you could have thought of a better way to drop the bomb._

Her parents stopped eating, her mother with her fork halfway to her open mouth, in a position that would have been funny in any another situation. They looked at her in disbelief, not really sure if they had heard it right or if it was just an effect from their imagination. Her dad was the first to react, frowning and growling.

"Excuse me?"

She gulped at the sound of his voice, and repeated her sentence with a little less assurance.

"I'm gay."

The silence following her sentence was deafening. Resounding like a gunshot. She saw horror slowly painting its way over her mother's face. Her father's face stayed still, but his eyes were getting dark with anger. She was still facing him, looking at him right in the eyes without retreating, even if all of her body screamed for her to run away.

She watched him as he slowly stood up to make his way towards her, and stopped in front of her. Staring at her for what felt like ages, with that same still look on his face.

And then, without any warning, he slapped her violently.

Ricardo Lopez was not a man to mess with. He was a well-known doctor, confirmed catholic, very strict in his work and with his family. He was strong. Had a strong bone-structure and a firm handshake. When he shook your hand, it felt like he could just break it without any effort; when he slapped you, it felt like being hit by a truck in the face.

Santana's head was violently pushed aside, and she stumbled to keep her balance on the chair while the pain flashed sharply across her cheek. Eye contact with her father was broken the moment his hand hit her cheek, leaving the mark of his fingers printed deeply in the flesh, a trail of blood starting to bleed from where his wedding ring had ripped the skin. She looked down at the carpet while one single tear escaped her eyes, not because of the pain, but because of the rejection.

She raised her head just in time to see him making his way out of the room, and weakly tried to call him. _**Weakly**_ wasn't a word usually used to describe Santana Lopez. But when she left the high school hallways and entered her house, her attitude changed totally; she wasn't McKinley High school head bitch in charge anymore. And in this moment when her father rejected her, she felt utterly _**small.**_

''Dad, I…''

He cut her in the middle of her sentence, giving her a dirty look.

"I don't recognize you anymore."

And then he left the room, leaving her alone with her mother.

She stared at the empty door for a moment, before turning to her mother. For help, acceptance, or a sign that she wasn't that wrong. She needed to be loved for who she was, and even if she didn't really believe in it, she still had a hope that her mother would understand and support her. She NEEDED her.

When she faced her mother, she met her disgusted look and her heart sank. Her mother looked at her with that look you wish you would never have to see on your parent's face; like you deceived them. Like you broke their confidence in you. Like they hate you.

"I don't understand…" her mother muttered under her breath, staring at her, her eyes taking in every detail of her daughter still sitting at the table while her hand was clutching the cross around her neck.

"Mom, I can explain, I…"

"Just shut up. I just… I don't understand how it is possible for me to have given birth to such a monster."

Santana opened her mouth, wide in shock, but then closed it without saying anything. If her father's slap was painful, this sentence was pure torture. It was like being punched repeatedly in the stomach, and not being able to do anything about it. A flash of hurt passed across her face. And just like that, without any warning, her mother lost it. She started yelling in Spanish, throwing her arms up in the air, her face red from anger.

"¿Cómo pudiste hacer eso? ¿Qué chucha pasa contigo? ¡Eres la vergüenza de la familia! Siempre fue así. ¡Nunca fuiste capaz de hacer las cosas bien, siempre tenias que ensuciar tu nombre y cagar todo! ¡¿Por qué no podías ser como la chica Fabray? ¡Es hermosa, talentosa, es todo lo que nunca será! ¡Oh sí, yo sé lo que paso el año pasado, pero prefería que mi hija sea embarazada a las 16 mientras de ser lesbiana toda su vida!"  
><em>(Tr: How could you do that to us? What the fuck is wrong with you? You are the shame of this family! It's always been this way. You were never able to be good anything, you always had to mess it all up and dirty our name! Why couldn't you be as nice as the Fabray girl? She is beautiful, she is talented, she is everything you'll never be! Oh yeah, I know what happened last year, but I would rather have my daughter be pregnant at 16 than being a freaking dyke her whole life!)<em>

Santana was still in shock, taking in all the hatred and disgust her mother was throwing at her. Maria Lopez kept shouting, getting angrier and angrier at each word she spoke.

"¿¡Y ahora que, me vas a anunciar que tienes sexo con la chica Berry? ¡Siempre pensé que había algo malo con ella, siempre te lo he dicho! Nunca me gustaba; pasas demasiado tiempo con ella, a causa de este Glee Club, o no sé qué. ¿Y tus otros amigos? ¡Nunca fuiste capaz de elegir las personas buenas para ti! ¿Noah Puckerman? ¿Brittany Pierce? ¡Oh wow, que bueno! ¡Un adolescente delincuente y una rubia estúpida! ¿¡De verdad!"_  
>(Tr: And now what, you're gonna tell me you're fucking the Berry girl? I always thought something was wrong with her, I always told you so! I never liked her; you spend way too much time with her, with this Glee Club thing. And your other friends? You never knew how to choose people who would be good for you! I mean Noah Puckerman? Brittany Pierce? Oh wow, great! A delinquent teenage boy and a blonde dumbass! Really !")<em>

"Mom, Britt is not…"

"¡I DON'T CARE WHAT BRITTANY IS OR ISN'T! Te lo voy a decir, no es buena para ti. ¡Nunca lo fue! Y mírate ahora... ¿Qué, mañana me vas a decir que quieres jugar golf? ¿O peor, ir a la GAY PARADE? Santana María López, no lo voy a lograr. Tu no… "  
><em>(Tr: I'm gonna tell you, she's not good for you. She never was! Look at yourself now… Now what, tomorrow you're gonna tell me you want to start playing golf? Or worst, go to the GAY PARRADE? Santana Maria Lopez, I won't accept it. You won't…)<em>

Santana couldn't listen to it anymore. She got out of the room while her mother was still yelling that she could go to hell, whatever, that's where she was gonna end anyway, sooner or later. She ran out of the house, jumped in her car and drove. Drove while still trying to hold back tears, to the only place where she knew she would be safe.

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><p>She had a 2-seconds hesitation in front of the door, but she finally rang the bell. Brittany opened just a moment later, this huge beaming smile of her fading when she took in the state of her best friend, still trying to hold back the tears.<p>

Santana couldn't hold herself anymore. She fell into her best friend's arms, crying and clinging to her for her life. No words were spoken between them, but Brittany understood immediately what had obviously happened a few minutes ago in the Lopez house. She held her friend, trying to comfort her, but Santana wouldn't stop crying and felt like all her strength had been drained out of her body. Brittany picked her up, and carried her inside.

Her parents were in the living room, watching television, and they turned to her when she closed the door.

"Honey, who w…"

Their faces fell when they saw the broken form in Brittany's arm, and they immediately stood up to make their way to the girls; luckily Brittany's younger sister was at a friend's for the night, or she would have freaked out too.

"Brittany, what's happening?" asked her father, obviously concerned for the Latina who was still crying. The Pierces had known Santana for years now, and they really liked her; she was good for their daughter, and spent so much time at their house that they almost considered her as their third child.

Mandy Pierce motioned for her husband to go back to the living room, and he did so, knowing that his wife would be more useful than he would. She followed her blonde daughter as she carried her best friend upstairs, careful not to bang her against the walls.

"Is she okay?"

"No mom, she's not" replied Brittany simply, putting the still crying girl on her bed and brushing a strand of hair out of her eyes.

Santana was still sobbing, trying to avoid Brittany's gaze. She hated her to see her that way, hating to make her sad, but in this moment she desperately needed her. She was gasping for air, obviously on the edge of a panic attack; Brittany forced her to lock eyes with her, and spoke the words softly but firmly.

"San, calm down. It's okay. I'm here. I'm not going anywhere, okay?"

Santana nodded, still crying, and buried her face into her best friend's shirt, still clinging firmly to her.

She could hear Mandy Pierce's voice from behind.

"Oh my God, she's bleeding! I'm gonna go and get something to clean the gash."

She came back seconds later, and sat beside the girls, turning the still-crying Latina's face to her so she could have a better view on the cut. She started gently cleaning it, and the girl flinched under her touch.

"Yeah, I know it hurts baby, but I'll be quick." She murmured soothingly. "You've got a pretty bad bruise here too..."

She didn't ask any question. She didn't ask how it happened, or who did that to her. She knew all Santana needed for now was help and comfort; the questions would come soon enough. Either way, Santana was not in shape to say anything in that moment, still sobbing heavily, and unable to catch her breath.

Mandy Pierce finished her work, and then kissed the girl's forehead. "Britt is gonna take care of you", she murmured.

She turned to Brittany while getting back up on her feet. "You'll be okay?"

Brittany nodded, mouthing a quick '_thank you'_ before turning her attention back to her best friend. Her mother kissed her on the cheek and squeezed her arm for support, before leaving them alone, closing the door behind her.

Santana still couldn't breathe properly, shaking uncontrollably and gasping for air, her tight clothes nearly suffocating her.

Brittany picked her again, gently undressing her before settling her under the covers of the bed, in nothing more than her underwear. She let her go for a few seconds in order to remove her own clothes, and Santana whimpered at the absence of her friend besides her; but just a moment later, Brittany slid under the covers, wrapping herself around her and holding her close.

She felt her friend's body relax into hers and the shaking slowly disappear as she seemed to regain her breathe; but she kept soothing her, stroking her bare arm and murmuring soft sentences in Dutch to calm her until she drifted into sleep.

The last thing Santana thought before letting exhaustion take over her body was the look on her parents' face when she had come out to them.

Clearly, she had a good reason to have been so afraid all this time.

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><p><strong>AN : I hope you liked it ! This is only the first chapter, Santana still has a long way to go... So if you're willing to take this road with her and see where it goes, don't hesitate to review, and tell me what you think !**

**Also, I apologize for the mistakes ; I am French, and English isn't my first language but I'm trying to do my best. Don't hesitate to correct me when I'm wrong !**


	2. Bruises

**A/N : I just wanted to thank all of you for the awesome support and reviews I got for this first chapter. I would specially want to thank Orange Bulldog for correcting my mistakes, and giving me the opportunity to improve the first chapter. Hope you enjoy this new one !**

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><p><strong>Chapter 2 : <strong>**Bruises**

The next day, Santana woke up in Brittany's bed, the blonde's arms still wrapped around her and their legs entangled. The feeling of the almost bare body against her skin sent chills down her spine. It had been months since she had last been that close to Brittany, and the feeling was intoxicating.

Since that day in the hallway when she had told Brittany that she was her best friend, after coming back from New-York, they had learned to be friends again. Slowly recovering from all the heartbreak they had both suffered through the past year, taking it slow, rebuilding their friendship around the new knowledge that they could hurt each other if they weren't careful enough. Nothing physical had happened again between them since. It was not that they didn't want to; it was that they didn't know how to. They were so afraid of losing each other again that they didn't dare taking the step that would bring them forward. So even if Santana still craved to be with Brittany, she preferred the insurance to have her as a friend than not at all.

A soft smile flashed across her face at the known weight at the end of the bed, right on her feet. Lord Tubbington was lying there, purring softly when she moved her toes playfully, way too happy about her being back in Brittany's bed. She would never admit it out loud, but she liked the overweight cat and loved that he always slept on her feet when she was here.

She tried to move to look at her best friend, trying not to wake her up, and flinched as the pain that flashed across her cheek reminded her of the past events. Her parents. The slap. The awful speech. Her… Coming out. The memories of the night before were painful, and she felt a knot appear in her stomach at the thought of it.

_I did it_, she thought to herself. _And now what do I do?_

She slowly untied herself from Brittany's grip, careful not to wake her. She sat at the end of the bed, looking at the blonde who stirred without waking up, her arm sleepily looking for the brunette who was there seconds ago; when she didn't find her, her arm wrapped around the pillow Santana had occupied just before, pulling it to her chest like it was the Latina. Santana's chest ached at the sight, knowing it was what Brittany did when she felt lonely; knowing that it was what she did too, and had been doing since that painful discussion in front of their locker, months ago. What hurt the most thought was that Brittany seemed to have taken the habit, and it pained her to think that she was part of the reason why.

She shook her head, getting up and heading for the bathroom after one last look to the girl sleeping in this bed they had shared so many times before.

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><p>When she saw her reflection in the bathroom's mirror, she gasped. The hand-shaped bruise and the small cut on her cheek wouldn't be easy to hide. The bruise was huge, taking half of her face, all swollen and purple and almost turning black around the cut, where the ring had hit her face violently. That's one other thing people were going to ask about.<p>

_Funny thing that this injury is due to a wedding ring_, she thought. Something that, so far as she knew about the Ohio State laws, was still prohibited to her. She couldn't get married here; yet her father's outburst had marked her skin with the one thing she couldn't have.

She took a shower, trying to wash the past events as well as all the exhaustion and the pain from her body, and then proceeded in trying to cover the bruise with some of Brittany's make-up. She flinched each time she brushed against the injured skin, sending a flash of pain through her body.

5 minutes and a considerable amount of make-up later, she realized it was pointless. The bruise was still obvious and would not disappear; she was just going to have to go with it.

She quietly made her way back into Brittany's bedroom where the girl was still sleeping, and picked up her black and white striped dress, silently slipping into it.

Before, she always had one of her Cheerios uniforms at Brittany's house, just in case they decided to get their sweet lady kisses on one night of the week; but since last year's events, things had changed. Everything had changed.

She decided she should go early so that she could stop by her locker to get the uniform she still kept there in case. If Sue saw her showing up to school in regular clothes, she might just go crazy; it was better to avoid that kind of outburst. Besides, the coach still hadn't forgiven her for last year's bailing; and now that she was head Cheerio again, and with the competition of all the new girls way too eager to take her position, she just couldn't allow herself any mistake.

She felt a small pang of guilt when she left the house after one last kiss on her sleeping friend's forehead. She had done so much for her the night before… But she just couldn't talk to her yet. She needed some time alone to think; she would explain later, and apologize for leaving like that this morning.

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><p>One hour later, she was walking in the hallway like she owned it, like she did every day. People still parted on her way like she was the queen herself, but she noticed the small differences she had feared when she had showed up to school this morning. The whispers. The looks. People still seemed to fear her, but they couldn't help but stare at her face, wondering what had caused that.<p>

_You knew it would happen._

She didn't show any sign of weakness in front of them, keeping her head high and only hesitating a quarter of second before walking into the Glee reunion Rachel Berry had organized before the beginning of classes, in order to discuss their song choice for Sectionals.

She was the last one to come in, all the others already standing besides the piano, talking about their week-end and the upcoming party at Puck's house the week after. Kurt was the first to notice her as she came in.

''Oh my God'' he gasped, looking at her cheek with a look that hovered between fear and disgust.

The other's heads shot up, looking at her like she came from another planet. Brittany however was staring at the piano keys, clearly not knowing how to act after Santana had left without saying anything the same morning. The Latina's chest ached at the sight of her best friend, before being brought back to reality as a deadly silence fell over the room.

The others were staring at her, unsure whether to question her injured face or not. Finally, Rachel was the first to break the silence, her voice hesitant.

"Don't mind me for asking, but what happened to your cheek?"

"None of your business Berry", she tried to snap, but didn't put enough venom into it, making it sound like she didn't really mean it. "But as you ask, some random freshman tried to put herself on my way this morning, so we had a fight. I won."

Brittany's gaze shot up, crossing Santana's, and she looked at her intently. Santana pleaded her with her eyes, silently asking her not to say anything.

_I will explain to you later, I promise. And I'm sorry for this morning._ Her gaze said all those things as she looked into the blue eyes that always made her loose her mind. Brittany seemed satisfied with the answer the brown eyes told her, and she gave a small nod only Santana could notice.

"Usually freshmen girls don't have the strength to do that much damage" said Puck, making her snap back to reality. "Plus the only two persons here who would be crazy enough to dare fighting you are in this room." He added, nudging Lauren and glancing a look at Quinn.

"True" said Tina.

"Well, that Sheila girl happened to be more of a problem than I thought she would be" she lied. "Besides, why do you care? I don't remember either of you doing anything when Lauren here banged me into the lockers last year."

"That's because you deserved it, and I bring the fear with me when I attack someone." Lauren chuckled.

"Anyway, you shouldn't be too worried about me, because I'm still top bitch around here and I don't plan on losing my position that easily. Freshmen can go hide, 'cause this is just a mark of my power." She said angrily, pointing a finger at her cheek. "Lima Heights doesn't get beaten up like that."

As she said those words, she felt the anger and pain of all the last events rise in her chest, as well as the frustration all the looks and questions provoked in her. She had had enough of justifying herself for something she didn't want to talk about, and hadn't had time to think about in the first place. So without adding anything, she left the room angrily without looking back, trying to hide the tears that were starting to form at the corner of her eyes.

Brittany followed her as fast as she could, but when she made her way into the hallways, Santana had already disappeared in the crowd.

Once they were out of the room, the other Glee Clubbers looked at each other with wide eyes.

"I think I've barely ever seen her that touchy-feely", said Kurt, looking at the others who nodded in approval. "She's hiding something."

"We have to find out what it's all about" proposed Mercedes.

"Yeah but that's Lopez we're talking about."Puck stated. "I know ma girl, if something's wrong she won't let it slip that easily."

"Then we'll just have to find out by ourselves" proposed Rachel, eyes shining in anticipation.

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><p><strong>AN : Tell me what you think about it ! Spoiler : Next chapter will see some Unholy Trinity... I will say nothing more.**


	3. You Are Worth It

**Chapter 3**

**You are worth it**

Quinn really didn't know what she was doing right now. When Brittany had told her that she needed her to look for Santana because she couldn't find her, she had wanted to say no. Even if their relationship had gotten better during last summer, after their New-York talk in the hotel room, she still didn't really know how to act around the Latina. It was getting better, they could even consider each other as friends, but their history together had been so chaotic that they were taking things slowly, testing the waters each time they tried to do another step towards each other. The trust between them was slowly recovering from all the blows it had taken the year before, with Quinn's revelation to Sue about Santana's summer surgery, and Santana's revenge when she had indirectly given her mono, making Sam break up with her when the truth about her cheating on him with Finn had been revealed. Things were slightly better between them, but she still didn't know how to react if she was faced with an angry Latina who was obviously hiding from everybody.

But the look of sadness on the face of the blonde girl in front of her had been heartbreaking, and her blue eyes were pleading. So when she had given her that puppy look she knew Quinn couldn't resist, pouting her lips and looking at her like… That, she just couldn't say no.

"Fine" she had sighted, shaking her head, her newly pink short locks flying around her face. "I'll try to find her."

The smile that had erupted on Brittany's face was worth it, she had thought when the blonde girl had pulled her into a giant hug.

So now she was there, looking in every place she could think the Latina might have gone, swearing against her under her breathe for making her lose her day. And miss her lunch break.

_If this isn't worth it, Lopez, you're so gonna pay for it, I swear._

She figured out Santana was missing lunch on purpose, knowing it was the moment when most people could see her injured face. She had tried almost all the rooms of McKinley, but still couldn't seem to find her. She stopped in front of the auditorium.

_I should have come here sooner._ She thought to herself, hearing soft muffled cries coming out of the room. She hesitated a little, looking around to see if Brittany was not somewhere near her, so that she could tell her to go instead of her. But the blonde was nowhere to be found, so the ex-Cheerio slowly made her way into the auditorium, as quietly as possible.

Santana was there, crying in one of the seats of the auditorium, alone in the dark.

Quinn stopped next to the door, a little bewildered at first. Apart from when she was drunk or trying to get some attention, Santana never cried. So seeing her here by herself, crying silent tears, was heartbreaking.

She slowly made her way towards her, sitting beside her. Santana didn't acknowledge her presence, but whipped away the tears, wincing when her hand accidently brushed the bruise on her cheek.

Quinn studied her face, her mind taking in the sight of her red eyes and her quivering lip.

"What do you want Fabray?"

Quinn was surprised by the tone of the girl's voice. It was like she was saying the words and not meaning it; instead of her usual bitchy tone, she just said it as a statement, almost as a sight. Like she didn't really want to say it, but it was a natural reaction that she couldn't help.

"Brittany's looking for you everywhere. She feels like you're avoiding her, I think. It's what you're doing, right?"

"I… kind of needed to clear my head before talking to her."

Her voice was quiet, calm, really not Santana-like, and Quinn wasn't sure if it was an hint of sadness that she heard in it.

"Santana… What really happened?" Quinn asked cautiously, her eyes never leaving the girl's face.

She was genuinely concerned for her friend now. She had never seen her so broken before, and she was afraid about what she might discover. What could have happened for her to be in that state? What was this injury on her cheek due to?

There was a silence, followed by a sight. Like if Santana had decided that, at this point, telling her wasn't that much of a big deal anymore.

"Remember that time in New-York City when you told us about how you just wanted somebody to love you?"

Quinn nodded silently. She remembered it like it was yesterday. The way she had shouted at her two only friends, before starting crying in front of them and telling them about one of her biggest insecurities. It wasn't one of her best memories… She realized Santana couldn't see her in the dark, so she cleared her voice.

"Yeah, I do."

Another silence.

"Remember how I, for once, listened to you and stopped judging you? And just tried to be there for you because it was more important than any different we might have had before?"

Yes, she definitely remembered that too. It had surprised her, at this time, how Santana had reacted and helped her. She was not used to that soft side of the girl who had thrown her into a locker at the beginning of the year. But then again, there was a lot about the Latina that she didn't know.

Santana didn't wait for an answer, and kept talking in that slow, calm voice that felt like it wasn't hers.

"I would like you to do the same for me now. I would like you to forget about all the things that keep us apart for once. I just… I can't do it if you're going to judge me after, or use what I'm about to tell you as a way to topple me."

"Okay" she murmured.

"Okay?"

Santana was looking at her now, brown eyes looking for some sort of sign on the blonde's face that would show she was being honest. Quinn couldn't blame her; after all, their history together wasn't really based on trust.

"I promise. I won't say anything."

"Good."

There was a silence, and Quinn waited for Santana to keep talking.

The girl took a big inspiration, and closed her eyes, like looking for some sort of strength inside her that would push her to say what she had to say. Her voice was almost not quivering when she finally spoke.

"Remember that same evening, when I told you I knew how to make you feel better? How did you… How did you know?"

Quinn was first confused about what she was trying to say, but she didn't want to ask. It seemed hard enough for the Latina to open up like she was doing, and she didn't want to push her any more. So instead of asking her what she meant, she replayed in her head the conversation they had had that day in their New-York hostel room, and stopped at one sentence.

_I'm fine, Santana, but I'm really not that into that._

She remembered now. _Oh my God_. Everything was racing in her mind. The pinky-linking. The soft whispers at night during pajamas parties, late after everybody else was already asleep. Landslide. The longing looks. Everything was mixing, up with one certitude. She always knew.

The girl beside her was looking at her, waiting for an answer.

"I just knew, Santana. You weren't that subtle anyway."

There was a small silence, before the Latina spoke again quietly, now looking at her feet.

"Do you think anyone knows?"

Quinn deeply thought about it before answering.

"Honestly… I don't know. I think they know something is up between you both; they just don't realize the depth of it."

There was another silence, before Santana spoke again, with a soft broken voice Quinn had never heard from her. And never thought she would.

"Q?"

"Yes?"

"I… I think I'm a lesbian."

"Yeah, I know."

Silence.

"My parents know it too."

Oh shit. That was something else. Santana's parents were almost as religious as Quinn's parents, and they were even more old-fashioned if it was possible. Tolerance and acceptance were not usual words in the Lopez household; you followed the family rules, never broke them, and if you did, you were severely punished. When you saw how Quinn's parents reacted to her pregnancy, you could only imagine the storm that might have overcome the Lopez house at the announce of their only daughter being a lesbian. She couldn't even imagine it.

"How did they…?"

"I told them last night", said the Latina, pointing to her bruised cheek slowly turning to black, and the small cut on her face.

Quinn swallowed slowly.

"I'm sorry", she whispered, studying her friend's face. "I know how it feels."

She was referring to last year, when Finn had told her parents that she was pregnant, and she had ended up kicked out of her own house. A painful experience, really. But that was the reason she could look at Santana today and say without lying that she had been there too.

"You know, my mom said she would rather have her daughter be pregnant at 16 than being a lesbian. She wishes you were her daughter," said Santana, laughing bitterly.

That sentence, plus the bitterness in Santana's voice, sent Quinn over the edge. She couldn't stand that feeling in her voice, like she was giving up on everything. She got up of her seat, and knelt in front of Santana, cupping her friend's face and looking at her right in the eyes.

"Santana, you are an amazing person. And THIS, this does not define who you are, that's just a part of your identity that makes you even more amazing than you already are. So you have to stop listening to your parents, because these crazy people will never see the best in you and if you keep listening to what they say, you're gonna end up thinking that you're worthless, when clearly you are not."

"And how would I know, Quinn?" Santana was angry by now, yanking away Quinn's hand, and her voice raised as she said all the things she had kept to herself for the last few years. "I'm always second choice! Puck chose me only because he couldn't have you, Brittany chose Stubble MacCripplePants over me… Hell, even Sylvester picked me to be the head of the Cheerios only because you were pregnant! I am not the brightest kid in class, nor am I the best singer in Glee Club. I am Hispanic, and as if it wasn't enough, now I am a lesbian. You and I both know how things work here. How would it be different anywhere else? My life is a complete failure, and there's no reason it's going to change! Can't you see it?"

"Santana, stop it please.''

Her voice was calm, almost threatening, and it stopped the girl in front of her right in her tracks.

She took her hand in hers, and looked at her right in the eyes, talking slowly so that every word would make its way into Santana's head.

"You are worth it, Santana. I believe in you, and I believe that you will grow up to be an amazing woman. You're gonna go to college, get a crazy job, kick some ass, and yell at random people all day long like a boss. And you're gonna meet someone who will love you for who you are, no matter what, and that you will love back in return. Maybe it'll be Brittany, maybe it won't, but I can assure you that it's gonna happen. Because even if you hide it with all this bitchy attitude, I know that inside you are a wonderful girl. And if your parents can't see it, then they can go fuck themselves."

Santana stayed stunned, less by the final swearing than by the whole speech before, looking at the blonde ex-Cheerio in front of her for some sign that she was lying; but all she could find in her eyes was honesty, and it made her eyes water.

"Thanks Q", she murmured, as a tear fell down her cheek.

Quinn woke up, stretching her legs, and sat back beside Santana.

"Come here", she said, wrapping an arm around her friend's body and putting her head on her shoulder. Santana let herself get wrapped in Quinn's arms and closed her eyes, letting the tears fall freely on her face.

Brittany had heard almost all the exchange between her two friends, hidden in the shadows of the room in order not to interrupt their conversation. But when she heard it was over, she allowed herself to come and sit beside them, adding herself to the human shield Quinn was already wrapping around Santana. This latter leaned into the known embrace, not even opening her eyes, and smiled sadly at the thought that even if her parents didn't want to see her anymore, she still had her friends to support her.

They were there. The Unholy Trinity. Forever here for each other.

* * *

><p><strong>AN : I really hope you liked this chapter, it was an important one for me... So please tell me what you thought about it. I'm going on holiday for a few days, and will hopefully come back with a new chapter if you still want to know what's next !**


	4. Comeback

**Chapter 4**

**Comeback **

They were interrupted by the sound of the bell, announcing they had to go to class. The three of them had English together, and without talking, they got on their feet and got out of the auditorium.

While they were walking to their class, Brittany and Quinn on every side of Santana, Brittany finally broke the silence.

"I think I know how to make you feel better."

Quinn smirked, and Santana raised an eyebrow.

"Oh yeah?"

"How about a girl's night? Unholy Trinity, movies, Dots, chocolate and pizzas… just like the old times. My parents will agree. Quinn, you're invited, of course. Seems good?"

It had been a while since the last time they had done that, but the idea of coming back to that old ritual after everything that had happened was oddly comforting. None of them was ready to admit it, but they missed the usual sleepovers that had become more and more occasional as they grew up and apart.

There was a silence, during which the three girls remembered all the parties they had had together. Finally, Quinn answered, shooting an unsure look to Santana.

"I… think it's a very good idea, B."

Santana stared at Brittany, loosing herself in those navy blue eyes before answering.

"Yeah, I would like that too."

* * *

><p>Like Santana had thought, the other Glee kids didn't seem to let it slide that easily. They didn't ask any more questions that afternoon, but they were still trying to know, and obviously stopped talking about the subject every time she walked in or passed by.<p>

But apart from that, the day went well, and after Glee Club, the three girls parted ways; Quinn came back to her house to pick some stuff for the night, while Brittany and Santana came back to the Pierces.

When they entered the house, the first thing they noticed was Santana's travel bag next to the stairs. Santana stopped, opened her mouth to say something and turned around to speak to Brittany, when Mandy Pierce entered the room.

"I went to your house to pick that today. Brittany said you might need to stay here for a while, so I thought you might need some stuff. I… I waited for your parents to go to work, and I used the double key I had to water the flowers last summer, when you went on vacation," she said, blushing at the thought. "I thought maybe it was better if I didn't ask your parents. But… Maybe I was wron…"

She didn't even have the time to finish her sentence that Santana threw her arms around her, tears in her eyes, muttering a weak "Thank you." And then Mandy Pierce knew she had done the right choice.

When Brittany had called her that afternoon, asking if she could invite Santana and Quinn for the night and if Santana could stay for a while, she had said yes immediately, before asking "Honey, is there a problem? Is Santana ok?"

"Yes!" Brittany had answered quickly, before revising her answer. "Not really… She has some problems with her parents, but if you're okay with that, I'd rather not tell you for now."

Mandy Pierce was worried for Santana, but if there was one thing she was sure about Brittany, it was that she could trust her. So instead of pushing her like any other mother would have done, she simply said: "Okay. But if it gets worst, you'll have to tell me."

"Okay, I promise."

Mrs. Pierce and Santana's hug was interrupted by Brittany's little sister, Wendy, who shouted from the stairs.

"Santana!"

The 9 year-old girl ran, and threw herself in the Latina's arms who held her up.

"Hey Wendy! It's been a while!"

"Why do you never come home anymore?" the little asked, looking at her with those big blue eyes so similar to her sister's.

Santana shot a look to Brittany, not knowing what to answer, when they were saved by the doorbell ringing.

"Ah! It must be Quinn!" said Mrs. Pierce.

She opened the door, and the ex-Cheerio entered, smiling at the people already in the room.

"Hi Mrs. Pierce! Hi Wendy!"

Brittany's little sister let Santana go, and her past question was forgotten as soon as Quinn entered the room. She was staring at Quinn, eyes wide-open, and screamed in awe at her pink hair. "Woaaaah! You look like a cotton candy!

Quinn laughed. She was getting used to the reactions her hair caused in people, and she had to say she genuinely enjoyed it.

She had thought it would be hard to convince her mother to let her go out during the week, but she was way too happy to see Quinn make up with her old friends to say no. Judy Fabray loved Brittany, she thought she was "a nice girl" – which meant she thought she represented no immediate danger for her daughter. She didn't like Santana that much, but she had come to accept her during all those years the girls had been friends.

The three girls talked a little with Brittany's mother and sister before going upstairs, Santana picking the travel bag in the movement.

Once in Brittany's bedroom, Quinn and Santana stopped, clearly embarrassed. It had been months since they had last been in that kind of situation, and they didn't know how to act anymore. But Brittany, as her usual amazing self, didn't seem to feel the heavy atmosphere that menaced to take over the room; she gracefully walked to her hi-fi system, put some music, and shot them a brilliant smile before yelling: "I officially declare the newest edition of the Unholy Trinity Nights open!"

* * *

><p>They ate pizza, chocolate, Dots, and even a little bit of fondue. They watched Mean Girls, and two episodes of the Powerpuff Girls, just like when they were kids, to please Brittany; they laughed a lot, and even had a pillow fight.<p>

They also talked, a lot. Mostly about their summer, but also about other things they had missed. Quinn told them about the boy she had met during her holiday in Europe, and who was part of the reason she had changed so much physically. Santana talked about the three weeks she had spent at her grandmother's house in Puerto Rico, and Brittany about her summer vacation in California, where she had spent all of her days surfing. Santana also told them how she and Karofsky had broken up at the beginning of the summer, making it look like they had both cheated on each other.

It was nice, coming back to that state where they felt near to each other, without feeling any embarrassment or discomfort. They were spending a great evening. Better than any of them had had for a very long time.

Way later, when Quinn had already fallen asleep on the other side of the bed, Brittany and Santana kept whispering softly.

"San… Why did you leave this morning?"

The room was dark, but even if Santana couldn't see Brittany's eyes, she noticed the flash of hurt in her voice and guessed her face must look the same. She knew this morning had probably brought her back to the day she had left her alone in her bedroom, the day when she had only wanted to sing a duet with her. The day when everything had started to fall apart. She took her hand, squeezing it for support, and answered.

"I'm sorry, B. I didn't want to do that to you again, it's just… I needed to think before talking to you. Everything was so messed up in my head…"

"Is it better now?" asked Brittany, coming closer to her.

Her breathing tickled Santana's cheek, and she shivered.

"Yeah. Much better."

There was a long silence, and Santana thought Brittany had fallen asleep, when her quiet voice broke the silence again.

"I'm so sorry San."

Santana turned to try to look at her face, but she was still in the dark and she couldn't see her blonde friend.

"Why?

"I didn't understand what you were so afraid of before. I'm sorry I didn't try to understand better last year."

"Britt… You couldn't know. Even I didn't think they would react that badly."

"Was it that terrible?" Brittany whispered, softly brushing Santana's cheek with the tip of her fingers, right where she knew the bruise was. Santana winced at first, as a reflex, but finally gave in to her friend's touch when she realized it didn't hurt.

"Worst than that. I had never seen my mom so angry… Remember when we tried to recreate Noah's Ark in the bathroom, and flooded almost all the second floor? That time she yelled so hard that even the neighbors thought someone was going to get killed?"

"Yes…"

"Well, it was ten times worst. She has spent 5 entire minutes yelling at me, telling me that I was a monster, that I had always been the shame of the family, that I should be more like Quinn, and that I was going to burn in hell."

She didn't say anything about what her mom had said about Brittany. The innocent blonde girl didn't need to know that.

Brittany's hand stopped brushing her cheek at those words, but she started again after a few seconds. Santana noticed her hand was shaking softly.

"And your dad?"

"He's the one who did that to me. He slapped me. Apart from that, he said almost nothing, apart that he didn't recognize me."

She felt the hand leave her cheek, and she was engulfed into a hug. The blonde's body was shaking against hers, and she realized she was crying.

"Britt…?" she said, startled, rubbing Brittany's back with her hand.

"I'm sorry…" she whispered in her shirt, still crying silent tears.

And then she understood.

Pure, innocent Brittany, whose parents were the most open-minded persons on the planet, was crying in her arms. For her. Because she didn't understand how some people could do that to their daughter. Because she hated violence, even more when it was directed to the people she cared the most for. Because when she had pushed her to come out last year, she had never thought it could have that kind of consequences on the life of the girl she loved. Because she was too soft for a world like that, and that was what Santana had tried to protect her against since the day she had met her during their first day at school.

She tightened her grip around Brittany's body, and whispered softly in her ear.

"Britt, it's okay. I'm okay."

Brittany didn't answer, but her body seemed to relax a little when she heard those words.

"You know, I would have had to do it eventually. I wasn't going to hide from them forever… I was confused last year, and I was not ready, but if I did it yesterday, that's because I wanted to."

"You're sure?"

"Yes. If I had told them last year, I wouldn't have been able to face their reaction. But now… I guess I'm stronger. I know who I am, I accept it, and that's a strong knowledge, you know? It helps me face the people who don't, if I at least know that some people accept me for who I am and support me."

"I support you, San" Brittany whispered, and Santana realized that her body had stopped shaking, and she wasn't crying anymore.

"I know" she said, smiling in the dark. "And I didn't have the time to thank you for what you did for me yesterday… I don't know what I would have done without you, and without your parents."

"It's okay. That's what best friends are for, right?"

Santana cringed at the words. _Yeah. Best friends._ The hurt of not being able to have Brittany as more that that was still present, and killing her inside. But she had learnt to live with that constant pain in her chest, even if it was hard.

Brittany's breathing was steadying, and Santana knew she was going to fall asleep soon. She settled in the bed, her arms still wrapped around Brittany's body, not caring about Quinn seeing them like this next morning.

Before closing her eyes, she whispered one last thing, not knowing if Brittany would be awake to hear them or not; in fact, she didn't know if she was saying them for Brittany or for herself.

"One day, I'll be ready to tell the others. It might not be tomorrow, but one day I will tell them and walk tall around McKinley, and it won't matter if people insult me, or slushy me, or whisper about me. I told Quinn today. Even if she already knew, that's already something, isn't it?"

There was no answer, and she thought Brittany had fallen asleep. But as she was drifting to sleep, Brittany broke the silence again.

"San?" she whispered.

"Yeah?"

"I'm proud of you."

And with that, she fell asleep, leaving Santana totally awake with a hundred of butterflies flying around in her chest.

* * *

><p><strong>AN : Just a little bit of Brittana here, but as we say, "It's about the journey, not the destination." Santana still has a long way to go... Get ready for some Kurtana right next ! **


	5. Pancakes, Lockers & Revelations

**Chapter 5**

**Pancakes, Lockers and Revelations**

The next morning, the sun was tracing patterns on the intertwined bodies of the three sleeping girls. Brittany's legs were still entangled with Santana's, and she was still snuggling in her shirt ; Quinn had moved closer during her sleep, and one of her arms was now loosely wrapped around Santana's waist like the two last years hadn't existed. Their three faces were painted with peaceful expressions none of them had had for a very long time.

The sound of Brittany's alarm clock woke them up, and they shot back to reality; Quinn quickly removed her arm from Santana's body, Santana stirred, and Brittany cuddled Lord Tubbington who had made his way towards them as soon as they had moved.

"Girls! Breakfast's ready!" Brittany's father shouted from the kitchen.

They slowly woke up and made their way to the kitchen, where Brittany's father was making pancakes.

"It smells really good, Mr Pierce." said Quinn, humming the delicious smell that was spreading all around the kitchen.

"Thanks Quinn. I know that's what you all liked to eat after one of your girl's night, before. Long day at school today?"

"Yeah, San and I have Cheerio practice tonight so we won't be there early." Brittany said as they sat down at the table.

"Depending on how many times Sylvester wants us to run around the field…" said Santana, biting in one of the pancakes.

"I have to say that's something I don't really miss," Quinn sighted.

"Brittany had told us that you weren't in the Cheerios anymore, but she had forgotten to mention your new hair-style!" Mr Pierce said, looking at Quinn's short pink hair. "I have to say it looks nice, even if I'm not sure Mrs Sylvester really liked it..."

"Oh it's ok, she just tried to burn my locks a couple of times" said Quinn, and Santana and Brittany laughed when they remembered the way their coach had run after Quinn in the hallways with a lighter during a whole afternoon.

They were all in an excellent mood. The night before had been great, and the three of them were secretly happy to be coming back to this old friendship they had missed so much. It was nice, after all this time. Sharing a breakfast together, laughing and talking, without thinking about anything else, and not be worrying about what might happen next.

But as for Santana, this state of happiness didn't last very long. Later that morning, after they had gotten to school and separated to go to their respective classes, the whispers and looks started again. It was starting to get on her nerves, but even if she was boiling inside, she tried to stay in control of her emotions and keep acting like she didn't care.

At 10, she was fumbling through her locker, trying to find her History book, when she felt some eyes on her. Kurt was right beside her, staring at her.

"What Hummel? Do I have something on my face?"

"Actually yes. Technically, you do." He said, pointing at the bruise.

She felt the anger and the helplessness of the past days rise in her, and she snapped at him.

"Are you never gonna stop about that? All of you! I told you I got in a fight with Anderson, how long are we going to keep talking about that?"

Kurt wasn't impressed by her outburst, and didn't move an eyebrow. He kept staring at her, looking at her right in the eyes, before speaking in a calm voice.

"Santana, I know you're lying. I talked to Sheila Anderson, and she had nothing to do with what happened to you. I believe her, even if she said if I ever tried to speak to her again, she would cut my tongue and make me eat my Gucci sunglasses… I doubt she would really do it, but anyway. You need to tell us who did that to you.''

It was too much. She felt trapped, helpless, like everybody was looking at her and trying to know everything about her. Including things she wasn't ready to talk about yet. Her defensive mechanism had always been the attack, and she couldn't fight it; that was the main reason why she was a bitch. The anger that she had been trying to bottle up all day long exploded, and this time, she didn't do anything to stop it.

"It's none of your business, little fag," she snapped, venom in her voice as she pronounced the last two words.

And with that, she took her History book, slammed her locker door and walked away, leaving him stunned beside the lockers. But the last words she had pronounced as a way to protect herself still burnt her chest, and his hurt expression made her want to slap herself even harder than her father had two days before.

_When you act like this, you're not better than your mother,_ she thought.

* * *

><p>She tried to get through the day without thinking too much about Kurt, but the flash of hurt she had seen on his face when she had insulted him stuck in her head. She couldn't stop imagining herself in his situation, with someone talking to her like she had done. This was the main reason why she was so afraid to come out, and yet she had treated him the exact same way she was terrified to be.<p>

She was ashamed. The queen bitch, HBIC of McKinley was ashamed of treating Kurt the way she had always done.

When Brittany asked her what was wrong later that day, she told her she was ok.

"Nothing Britt. I'm a little tired, that's all."

But the answer she really wanted to give her was way different.

_Everything's wrong. I'm just a bitch. And I don't deserve a friend like you._

* * *

><p>That night, after the two girls had come back home from their Cheerios training, they were doing their homework in Brittany's room when Mrs Pierce called from the entrance door.<p>

"Santana! Somebody's here for you!"

Santana came downstairs, wondering who could be looking for her and afraid it might be her parents, only to find Kurt waiting for her at the door.

"I called Brittany, and she told me you were staying at her house tonight, so I took the liberty to come here. I need to talk to you Santana."

She was tempted to close the door and go back inside, but as he was here, she didn't really have the choice. Plus she still felt guilty for the way she had treated him earlier that day. So instead of telling him to go away, she slowly closed the door behind her after yelling: "Britt! I'm going for a walk with Kurt, I'll be back shortly!"

They made their way out of the Pierce's garden, and started walking on the sidewalk. The sun was disappearing behind the trees, but the weather was still nice for the end of September. They walked for a while in silence, not knowing how to start, feeling un-at-ease with the unusual situation. They had never been alone together before, always surrounded by their friends or the crowds in the hallways.

Finally, he broke the silence and spoke the words he had been thinking about the whole day.

"I know what bullying feels like."

She didn't answer, waiting for him to develop his thoughts.

"I know the bullying, the constant fear, the thought that anything can happen at any moment. I know the feeling of being worthless, too. I know the choice not to say anything for fear it might get worst. And I know the way the people who hurt you end up having an influence so important on the way you live that you feel like your life isn't yours anymore."

He stopped talking, remembering the months when Karowsky had made him live a living hell. Santana was looking at him, remembering it too. He shook his head, and started talking again, this time looking at her.

"So whether it happened to you because you were Hispanic, in Glee Club, or just because of the size of your chest, I know what it is. And you need to talk about it. You need people to help you get through this, instead of bottling it inside you until it explodes. People in Glee Club, they don't hate you. They just have some difficulties seeing your good parts, but they would support you if you let them see what you're going through. We need to know what happened to you if we want to be able to help you."

There was a silence. He was implying that she was being bullied, that's what he thought was happening to her; even if it wasn't totally true, he wasn't too far from the truth. That's what would happen to her if she ever came out to the rest of McKinley.

At first she didn't answer, now looking at the boy shorts she had put on as soon as she had arrived home and her naked feet slowly moving on the sidewalk. She hadn't had the time to put some shoes on before going out.

"Why are you doing this for me?" she finally muttered.

"Because I happen to like you, and I'm sure that you're more than this queen bitch you play at school all the time. What you told me this morning… I'm pretty sure it was only to make me go away; you hadn't treated me like this for months. And I owe you, after what you did for me last year. Whatever Blaine might say, I don't know what would have happened if you hadn't come to defend us last year in the hallway during the Night of Neglect… And I never had the time to thank you for making sure I could come back to McKinley. I know for this latter you only did it because you wanted to be prom queen, but I like the attention anyway."

There was a silence, during which she kept walking in silence at his side, and he thought she was doing like she hadn't heard what he had just said, until she spoke again.

"Kurt?"

"Yeah?"

"You knew Karofsky was gay, didn't you?"

There was a silence, and Kurt sighted.

"Yeah I did."

"How?"

"He… Tried to kiss me in the locker room."

"Oh."

That was some brand new information. She knew something had happened between Kurt and the jock, apart from the constant bullying, but she had never been able to know what. Kurt didn't give her the time to take in the length of the information, seeming to realize something he didn't before.

"Wait, you know it too? I thought he didn't come out yet?"

"He didn't." confirmed the Latina.

"So then how do you…"

"I found out by myself. That was… Kind of the main reason we got together in the first place."

He wasn't totally sure if he understood the point, so he quirked an eyebrow and she sighted.

"I blackmailed him, okay? I told him if he didn't go out with me and apologize to you for the bullying, I would reveal his little secret to everybody."

"While I have to thank you for doing this for me, I don't get the part about going out with him. He's not really the kind of guy you want to have by your side, is he?"

"He's not that bad" she shrugged. "And… I needed him as much as he needed me."

Her voice got caught in her chest. She didn't know if she could say more. She had already said so much these last few days… But it seemed like since she had talked to her parents, she was caught in an infernal spiral of events that wouldn't stop until everybody knew what she had tried to hide so hard. Sure, Kurt was gay and would understand better than anyone, but she also knew he was a terrible gossip. What if he outed her in front of the whole high school before she was ready? What if he made her lose the little control she still had on her situation?

She realized she had gotten lost in her thoughts, and Kurt was still waiting for an explanation. She cleared her voice, still not knowing how much she could tell him.

"I had as much to hide as him, in this. As much to lose, too."

"What do you mean?"

She sighted, and stayed silent for a while before deciding to go for it.

_You're halfway in it, Lopez. Just finish the business now._

"How did your dad react when you told him you were gay?"

"He was… Very understanding. He told me he loved me no matter what, and it would never change." Kurt answered, before frowning and directing his gaze towards her. "Why?"

"My parents didn't react that positively." She said, pointing to the bruise on her cheek.

Kurt opened his mouth in awe, shocked by what he had just heard.

"Oh my God. You mean you're…"

"Yes. And Karofsky and I were each other's beards."

* * *

><p><strong>AN: I really want their friendship to develop next season! And I am still a little mad that nobody thanked Santana for getting Kurt back... So yes, a little bit more of Kurtana next!**

**IMPORTANT: I need your advice. If Santana were to sing a song in front of the Glee Club (coming-out related, lovesong, anything!) what would you want it to be?**


	6. You'll Always Have Me

**Chapter 6**

**You'll Always Have Me**

Santana and Kurt kept talking for a while, walking in Brittany's street.

Kurt congratulated her for the big steps she had taken, and tried to reassure her; he told her that her life wouldn't be easy, but that she would do great. He told her people couldn't be close-minded forever, and just like the Apartheid had stopped, the bullying would smooth and maybe, someday, come to an end. He said things he really hoped would come true, as much for her as for him.

She cried, a little, and he had the kindness to do like he didn't see her tears.

They talked about Brittany. A lot. She told him how much she loved her. For how long she had had all of these feelings that she didn't even want to admit to herself because she was too scared and ashamed.

She told him the real story about what had happened last year, before he came back from Dalton; he had already heard about Landslide from Mercedes, but she told her the rest of the story; how Brittany had chosen Artie over her, after the most painful speech she had ever had to deliver. How they had drew apart, because it hurt too much to see her be happy with him instead of her. How she had sung Songbird to her when they had broken up. How they were about to go to prom together, before she screwed up again because she was so afraid. How they still loved each other, but how she didn't believe anymore that they would be together someday, after hurting each other so much. How she couldn't forget her, having her next to her all the time, but how she couldn't stand being away from her either.

He didn't dare asking at first, but he finally did ask about all the boys. For him, who had always been so sure of his sexuality, it was hard to believe that she could have slept with all these boys when she didn't like it. It was still hard to believe that Santana Lopez, the girl known for her sexual heterosexual exploits, was indeed in love with a girl.

She finally asked him not to tell anybody yet; he accepted, and promised to wait for her to make the announcement, when she would be ready.

When they finished talking, they stopped on Brittany's doorstep, and he turned to face her.

"If you want to talk to Blaine, he knows what it's like when your parents don't accept who you are." He told her. "Maybe it could help you."

She laughed.

"Thanks, but I'd rather not get your boyfriend involved into that. It's already complicated enough like this."

He smiled. "Ok."

He glanced at his watch, and his eyebrows shot up at the sight of the time.

"Wow, I should go back home before my Dad freaks out and starts calling the police… I told him I was going to the mall to do some shopping, but it closed 1 hour ago. I'll see you at school, right?"

"Right… But remember, you don't know anything. And if you tell anyone about our little conversation, I'll make sure you can never…"

"Save the speech, Satan, I won't say anything," he joked at her weak attempt at being mean to him "I don't even know what you're talking about."

She made a small smile, and he wanted to hug her; but after all, she was still Santana Lopez, and he didn't know what he could or couldn't do. So instead, he patted her shoulder and said: "It'll be ok. You'll see."

She nodded, and he turned around, making his way to his car parked in the alley.

"Kurt!" she called him.

"Yes?"

"Thank you for everything."

"You're welcome."

And then he was gone.

She stayed outside of Brittany's house for a moment, sitting on her doorstep, trying to figure out what had just happened.

Everything was going so fast. In just a few days, she had already come out to her parents, Quinn, and Kurt. Three days ago, back in her house, she had felt strong enough to do it; but now she didn't know if she could keep going on. Her parents had kicked her out. Even if the Pierces had welcomed her and accepted her as a member of their family, how would they react when they would learn the truth? Would they kick her out too, or would they be accepting and full of understanding, a thing that even her own parents hadn't been able to be?

And then high school… Kurt had told her he would help her, Quinn was by her side now, and Brittany would always be there for her. But what would happen when the rest of McKinley would know? Sure she had Karofsky wrapped around her finger, and could blackmail him to do pretty much anything she would need him to in exchange of her silence about his sexuality, but that was not enough to make the gossips stop. Seeing how people were staring at her now with the bruise on her cheek, she could only imagine the looks if they knew she was a lesbian. Her reputation would be killed. But most of all, all the shame she had felt before accepting who she was would come back immediately. She had had enough to deal with the shame for the rest of her life. She couldn't take it anymore.

But she had the Glee Club. These people Brittany had once said would accept her no matter what, because they were a family… But then again, her own family hadn't accepted her, so why would a bunch of kids she constantly put down would?

Quinn and Kurt's reactions had been positive, but maybe the others wouldn't react that well to the announcement… After all, they were right. She was a bitch, and all she ever did was insult them. So why would they try to understand her and support her when clearly, she had done the exact opposite to them?

The questions were running in her head, her head was a complete mess. Everything was so much easier before, when her feelings were buried deep inside her chest. It was not better, but it was easier to deal with. Now she was left here with all of these feelings running everywhere through her body, clouding her thoughts and hurting her chest. It was awful.

Maybe someday, soon, she would have the strength to come back to her parents', walk tall and proud, and talk to them. And make them realize that they were wrong, and she was right. Maybe, with the support of Brittany, Quinn, and Kurt, she could come out to the Glee Club before the end of the semester. Maybe she would find some support there, and not the judgment she expected. Maybe she would be able to have a real relationship with someone, without faking anything or feeling uncomfortable, and without hurting the girl like she had hurt Brittany. But… She still loved this latter, and she didn't think she could be with anyone else for now.

As if she had heard her thoughts, Brittany stepped on her doorstep and sat behind her, her legs on each side of Santana's body.

"San you should go back inside, you're freezing." She said, wrapping her arms around her best friend's body to warm her.

Santana shuddered at the sudden contact. Lost in her thoughts, she hadn't realized that the sun had totally disappeared now and the wind was starting to blow; the temperature had lowered really fast, and her skin was cold against Brittany's.

"I talked to Kurt." She said, her eyes trailing on her naked toes that were nervously tapping the ground.

"How did it go?"

"Fine, I guess."

She didn't have to watch Brittany to know that she was smiling, and it made her feel a little bit better.

They stayed like this for a moment, Brittany with her arms still wrapped around Santana, sharing a comfortable silence and looking at the stars that were slowly appearing, one by one. Santana was the first one to break the silence, whispering the words that had been on repeat in her head for the last 3 days, and even longer before.

"Why does it have to be so hard?" she whispered, still looking at the stars, burying herself in her friend's embrace to get warm as a wind blow made her shiver.

Brittany thought deeply about her answer before talking.

"I don't know… Maybe it's just the way it works. Maybe we just have to deal with it and get going, because that's how it has to be. Maybe it's so hard in order to make us realize that what we have is important, you know? If it was too easy we would never know what it means to be happy… Because if sadness and pain didn't exist, then happiness wouldn't exist either, I guess. Nothing can exist without its opposite. It only feels so good because the opposite feels so bad… I don't know, it's just how I see it."

_Yeah, that sounds right._ Santana thought. She knew Brittany wasn't the stupid girl other people thought she was, and it was in moments like this that Brittany truly amazed her, when she seemed to understand the meaning of life better than anyone else. The urge to turn back and kiss her was oppressing, but she powered through it and answered.

"You're right. I'm sure that's exactly the reason why."

They stayed silent for a while again, before Brittany broke the silence with her firm voice.

"I'm so proud of you."

Santana heard all of the nuances behind this sentence. The way Brittany said it made it the most beautiful statement. It meant she really was proud of her. It meant she was happy to see her step up and try to move forward in her life. It meant so many other things in the same time. But most of all, it meant she loved her. And even if she didn't actually say it, she knew she meant it.

_I love you too_. Santana wanted to scream.

But she didn't.

Instead, she linked her right pinkie with Brittany's, looking at the way they perfectly fitted with each other, pale skin crossing caramel undertones, before saying:

"And I'm happy to have you."

"You'll always have me, San."

And with that, Brittany kissed her on the cheek, her lips lingering longer than they had had in months, while her fingers brushed her forearm.

Everything exploded in Santana's head, leaving her with only one thought bursting like a firework in her mind.

_Maybe it's harder with feelings, but it might be worth it._

* * *

><p><strong>AN : Thanks for all your awesome reviews and song suggestions during last chapter! I'm definitly going to use some of them, but you can still suggest some if you have any new ideas. Next chapter isn't written yet, but it might see the comeback of Santana's parents, or a conversation with the Pierces... You'll see !**

**Tell me what you thought about this chapter!**


	7. I Ain't Lost, Just Wandering

**Chapter 7: "**_**I ain't lost, just wandering"**_

Almost a week had gone by without any other major event for Santana or the Pierces. The whisperings were fading at school, and even if it seemed like the Glee Clubbers were preparing a major intervention, they still hadn't mentioned anything yet. Sue hadn't seemed too pleased when she had seen the mutilated face of her Head Cheerleader, but the wound was healing and the bruise slowly fading away. Everything seemed fine.

When one evening, while the girls were doing their homework in Brittany's bedroom, the phone rang downstairs.

"Hello?" Mrs. Pierce answered.

"Hi, Mandy? It's Ricardo Lopez."

Mandy Pierce and Maria Lopez were friends; at least they used to be. They had been to college together, had gotten pregnant with a three months interval, and had started raising their daughters together. But where the Pierces were permissive and very tolerant, the Lopez were strict and close-minded. This difference in their way of seeing their lives and their children's education had made the two families drift apart at some point; but Brittany and Santana had remained best friends, growing around each other. Besides, Santana had always been going to Brittany's house since her father was very busy working at the hospital, and her mother was always gone on business trips.

"Hi, Ricardo. It's been a while. How have you been lately?"

Mrs. Pierce hadn't asked Santana again about what had happened the night she had showed up on their doorstep, bleeding and crying, but she knew it had something to do with her parents. She decided not to mention it yet, and waited to see what Dr Lopez wanted from her instead.

"Not so well. I suppose Santana has been staying at your house during the last few days?" he asked without preamble.

She wasn't the kind of person to lie, so she decided to say the truth.

"Yes, indeed. I hope it doesn't bother you and M…"

"I want her to come back home." He cut her abruptly.

She was surprised, to say the least, and knew Santana well enough to guess that she wouldn't be very happy about it and might oppose some resistance.

"Ricardo, I'm not sure she…"

"Tell her I want her to be home tonight at 10pm."

And with that, he hung up.

It was 9:15pm.

* * *

><p>Santana and Brittany were doing their homework, splayed on Brittany's bed, when Mrs. Pierce entered the room. The girls were laughing at something Brittany had said about the history cards Santana was trying to make her learn for her test, and they turned to her with a big smile on their faces. Mrs. Pierce felt bad about popping their little bubble of happiness; like that, they looked like when they were eleven and happy, unaware of the difficulties life would bring on their way while growing up.<p>

"Santana…"

She didn't know how to break the news, so she decided to just go for it. Earlier she said it, earlier it would be done.

"I talked to your father. He wants you to come back home… Tonight."

Santana's smile faded immediately, while Brittany's face turned to a frown. Mrs. Pierce didn't miss the frightened expression that showed up on Santana's face. It was there for only half a second and then the girl's face closed again, as unreadable as it was when she was trying to hide her feelings.

"Honey, if anything's wrong with your parents, you can tell me," she said, focused on her face. "You know I won't judge you, right?"

There was an awkward silence, and Mandy Pierce was thinking that she would never get to know what had happened, when Brittany answered, without even taking her breathe between the words.

"Santana's father slapped her the other day, and her mother told her to go to hell" She said.

It was stupid to hide it any longer. Her eyes trailed to Santana, wanting to see if she was mad at her for spilling the truth, but her friend kept her head down. She couldn't see her eyes.

Mandy Pierce opened her mouth, and stared at her daughter in disbelief.

"What? Why would they…"

"I came out to them the other day. That's the reason they kicked me out." Santana cut her, talking really fast so that the words would feel less heavy.

She raised her head, defiance and pride shining in her dark eyes as she stared at her best friend's mother. But all Mrs. Pierce could see was the incredible amount of fear that hid behind.

"Now you can hate me too."

Santana wasn't ready for the woman's next move, but in less than a second, she felt arms wrapping around her shoulders. "I would never ever hate you" murmured Mrs. Pierce in the short girl's hair. "You're such a strong girl, Santana."

And with that, Santana burst into sobs, letting Mandy Pierce rock her back and forth, as Brittany wrapped her arms around her to help her feel loved again.

The door opened, and a small frame entered, slowly making its way to the bed.

"Mom, why is Santana crying?" Wendy asked, wrapping her small arms around the two blondes and the dark-haired girl, adding herself to the mass.

"Because, Honey. Sometimes you need to cry in order to feel better."

* * *

><p>At 9:58pm, the three blondes and Santana were in front of the Lopez house.<p>

"You're sure you're ready to do it?" Brittany asked, brushing her fingers across Santana's arm.

Santana was looking through the car's window, her eyes fixed on the house in which she had grew up.

"Yeah." She answered. "I have to."

She checked her watched. 9:59pm. Her father hated when she was late.

"I should go," she said, hugging her best friend and kissing Mandy and Wendy. She took the travel bag from the backseat and got out of the car, walking to her house without turning back.

She was Santana freaking Lopez. She could do it.

"I'll call you later!" Brittany called from behind. She turned around to give her a small half-hearted smile and a nod, waved at Wendy, and entered the house.

It was exactly 10pm.

She entered the living room anxiously, expecting her parents to be waiting for her.

They were here, her father sitting in the armchair in front of the television and reading the newspaper, her mother reading a book beside him, on the couch. They didn't acknowledge her presence, and she stayed in the entrance, fidgeting with the handle of her bag, not knowing how to introduce herself.

Ten seconds passed. And when her father finally talked, he didn't even look at her. "What are you waiting for? It's late. You should be in your bedroom."

She stayed a short moment stuck in her place, not sure if she had heard him well; then she turned around and slowly made her way upstairs and to her bedroom, where she closed the door before sitting on her bed, still stunned by what had just happened.

She had been prepared for a confrontation. She had been waiting for them to yell, to shout, to try to "talk her out of her homosexuality", to throw things in the air, to slap her again. She had even, in the back of her mind, hoped for some apologies or understanding. She had been prepared to everything but this. Indifference. Impassivity. This wasn't even something she had foreseen, out of all the things that could have happened when she had made her way into this house that didn't feel like hers. It caught her by surprised, and hurt her even more than anything.

She stayed there for a while, just sitting on her bed, before her phone finally vibrated in her pocket. It took her a few seconds to realize that it should be Brittany, who had promised to call her.

"Hey" she exhaled, feeling like breathing for the first time since she had opened the door.

"San? Are you ok?"

Brittany seemed genuinely worried for her, and she felt the urge to reassure her. After all, her parents hadn't made a scene or anything.

"Yeah Britt, I'm fine."

They talked for a while on the phone, and Brittany promised to come and pick Santana up the next morning, since her friend had left her car parked in the Pierces' alley.

"Don't worry B, everything will be fine." Santana said one last time before hanging up. She didn't really believe it herself.

That's only when she found herself in the dark that she realized she was going to sleep alone for the first time since everything had started.

She picked her I-Pod in her bag, unable to stand the silence of the room, deprived of Brittany's steady breathing. She rapidly changed into some panties and Brittany's favorite tank top – the one with the two ducks on it, one black and one yellow – before sliding into her bed, putting the earphones in her ears, and pulling her pillow into a tight embrace in order to feel less lonely.

She hesitated for a second, looking at her playlists.

_Amy or Adele?_

She finally decided against Amy Winehouse. Since her abrupt death a few months ago, listening to her songs was always painful, and she didn't need that tonight.

_Why is everything going so wrong all at the same time?_

Adele so.

As the first notes of Hometown Glory played into her ears, her thoughts drifted to what her life looked like right now. Her parents ignored her. Everything seemed to indicate that she would never get to be with the girl she loved. Her favorite artist was dead, and it was only a matter of time before the whole high school knew her secret and started treating her differently.

Her life was a complete failure, and it seemed like it wouldn't get better anytime soon.

_I've been walking in the same way as I did,_

_Missing out the cracks in the pavement,_

_And tutting my heel and strutting my feet,_

_"Is there anything I can do for you dear? Is there anyone I can call?"_

_"No and thank you, please Madam. I ain't lost, just wandering"_

She cried herself to sleep that night, listening to Adele's raspy voice and sad lyrics.

_Shit Lopez. Don't make an habit out of it._

* * *

><p><strong>AN :** **It was a difficult chapter to write, as it's really important for the story, but I hope you liked it. Tell me what you think about it and what you think will happen to Santana next!**


	8. Assignment

**Chapter 8: Assignment**

The next morning, Brittany picked Santana up like she had promised. Santana didn't see her parents before leaving, in fact she did her best to avoid them; but she knew that if she had crossed their path, the scene would have been similar to the night before.

The day at McKinley was going pretty well, until she got in the choir room for the daily Glee Club meeting.

As soon as she made her way into the room, Brittany and Quinn siding her, she knew something was wrong. The other members were already here, and stopped talking when they saw her. It made her feel slightly uncomfortable, and as Quinn and Brittany took a sit, she felt her walls rise around her and tried to hide her nervousness the only way she knew how to deal with it: by being mean.

"What do you want Wheels?" she snapped at Artie who was looking at her tentatively while she walked past him. "Did I step on your feet? Oh wait, you can't feel them anyway."

Before he could answer, Rachel stood up.

"Santana, you have to stop pretending that everything is ok."

Santana knew it was going to happen. Actually, she was a little surprised that it had taken so long for them to plan their little intervention; she had even thought they had let it go, as they didn't seem to care about her anyway. But they hadn't. So maybe they actually gave a fuck.

At this moment, she couldn't say if it made her feel mad or relieved, so she chose to show the first.

"What? What do you mean?" she snapped.

"We know you lied to us. Sheila Anderson didn't do anything to you, and nobody saw you fighting with anybody in the hallways… Tell us what's happening to you."

"Lopez, gimme the name of the guy who did that and I will be very happy to go and kick his ass." Puck growled, balling his fist.

"He's right. A freshman would have never been able to inflict such damages to your face, even if they were called Santana Lopez or Lauren Zizes." Mercedes added.

"Did Karofsky do something to you?" Sam asked.

"Did something happen while you were walking in your street? Were you like… Assaulted?" asked Tina in a small voice.

"What? No! NO! I was not, and Karofsky didn't do anything to me. I don't even talk to him anymore! And by the way, it's none of your business!"

She was losing it. She knew she would not be able to hide her story any longer, and it made her lose her mind. There was no way they could know the truth.

"It is, Santana" said Mr. Schue as he walked in the choir room. "Violent acts aren't tolerated between high school students, and the person who did that to you has to be punished."

So that's why it took them so long to prepare their talk. They had put Mr. Schue in the confidence too.

"Oh yeah? And what if it was not a high school student?"

"What do you mean?"

"Nothing."

"Santana, if anyone did this to you outside of this school and you know who that is, you need to report them."

She sighted. Really, they didn't understand.

"This discussion is pointless. I…"

"It was her father." Quinn cut.

Santana sent her a shocked look, not believing what the girl who pretended to be her friend a few days ago had just done, and Quinn answered with a glare.

"What, Santana? You prefer them to keep believing you were assaulted?"

Santana didn't know what to answer, and Mr. Schue talked in a calm voice.

"Is it true?"

Seeing as she didn't answer and kept her eyes on the floor, everyone assumed it was the truth.

"Santana… Does your father beat you?" Mr. Schue continued calmly, trying not to startle the girl in front of him.

Shocked, Santana opened her mouth to answer, but was cut by Rachel.

""You have to report him."

And then she lost it again. Her father wasn't beating her. He had never really loved her, but until that night when she came out to him and her mother, he had never, ever touched her. But if she told them what had happened that night in her living room, she would have to tell them everything. And she really didn't want to do that. Not now. Not like that.

"What? No! I won't report him! It was nothing! And don't pretend like your parents never slapped you, because this is bullshit. Every parent slaps their children sometimes! My dad just happens to have more strength in his hand than some people in their whole body..."

"Now we know who she got it from…" whispered Lauren.

"It was just a stupid misunderstanding!" Santana continued. "We got in a fight the other day, and I acted very stupid, ok? It was all my fault. I deserved it, and I…"

"No, you didn't." Quinn cut.

"What happened? Why did he slap you?" Rachel asked, suddenly calmer. "You know you can tell us anything, right? We're here to help you."

"Oh really? And since when do you care?" Santana shouted, even louder than before. "Do I have to remind you that last year, you told the only job I was gonna get was as a stripper? Do y…"

"Enough, guys!" Mr. Schue shouted, throwing his hands in the air like he did when he didn't know how to solve something. "If Santana doesn't want to go into the details of her fight with her father, you can't force her! And Santana, you need to calm down or I'm going to have to tell you to get out of the room and go to Mrs. Pillsbury to get your problems sorted out. Which I will ask you to do at the end of the lesson anyway, but before that you should know that the assignment of the week is really interesting..."

The room went silent, and Santana took her seat next to Brittany, trying to calm down; Brittany's hand on her thigh was both making her feel better and making her chest ache.

Mr. Schue made his way to the whiteboard, and wrote the words "Mash Up" before turning to his class, a proud smile on his face.

"Ok. So for this week's assignment, I want each and every one of you to prepare a mash up of two songs that are musically very different, but can relate to each other thanks to the lyrics. I want this mash up to be close to you, to describe you, or to tell us something that you want us to know about you. It's kind of a "_This is who I am_" assignment."

Some whispers were starting to agitate the choir room, but Mr. Schue hadn't finished.

"But I also want you to surprise me, and surprise us. Sing something that we wouldn't expect you to sing, or about a topic that we wouldn't be expecting from you. The difficulty of this assignment isn't to create the mash up or to be surprising, in the end… It's to stay true to yourself while doing so."

"But Mr. Schue… How do you want us to surprise you and be different from the usual while being true to ourselves? I mean we're not going to change overnight…"

"That's the difficulty about it, Sam, as I told you. You'll have to find out by yourself."

They all started chatting loudly, and for a while, Santana and her mysterious story were forgotten. Rachel was already saying that she had the perfect songs for this assignment, and that it would be epic. Kurt and Mercedes chatted excitedly, Finn scratched his head in confusion, Tina tried to reassure Mike about his singing and told him he would be fine and she would help him. Brittany had her brow furrowed, deeply concentrated on whatever idea she just had, and her hand had stopped tracing patterns on Santana's thigh. But Santana didn't even realize. She was too lost in her thoughts.

This assignment was exactly what she needed. In that moment when her parents ignored her and her life was seemingly falling apart, she figured out coming out to the Glee Club wouldn't do much of a difference. If by the end of the week, she had found the perfect songs, she would use this way to tell them, but she had to do it right. If she was going to come out to the Glee Club, she had to do something epic. After all, she was Santana motherfucking Lopez.

She was so much stuck into the mental preparation of her mash up that she didn't even realize Quinn was looking at her with a half-smile painted on her face.

* * *

><p><strong>AN : Sorry for not posting during more than a week, I was pretty busy... But here it is, even if it's short! (By the way, what did you think about the new Glee episode? Anyone felt as bad as I did when Mr. Schuester kicked Santana out of the Glee Club?)**

**I have a lot of things planned for Santana during the next chapters... (Angst!) Any speculation about what might happen next?**


	9. Mash Up

**A/N: I'm really sorry that it took me so long to post this chapter... But I was very busy, and I didn't want to mess it up, so I preferred taking my time so that I wouldn't screw it up. But thanks for all your amazing reviews, and I really loved reading your thoughts about the first episode of season 3!**

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter 9: Mash Up<strong>

The "_Mash up_" assignment week appeared to be one of the longest of Santana's life.

Her parents didn't talk to her. They ignored her conscientiously, addressing her a few meaningless words when they needed the salt or when she was on their way. Nobody mentioned the coming out episode ever again; Santana because she was too afraid to bring it back on the table, her parents because they acted like it had never happened. It killed her slowly. But she didn't have the strength to make it stop.

They didn't talk to her, but they didn't talk to each other anymore either. The dinners together were terrible. Before, they made the effort to make it look like they still loved each other, in order to maintain the illusion in front of her or whoever was in the room. But she knew there hadn't been love in this house for several years already; her parents just stayed together because they couldn't do any different. If being gay wasn't accepted in the Lopez family, divorce wasn't either.

In order to forget her meaningless life and the fact that her parents acted like she wasn't even here, she worked her ass off: she spent the entire week working on the Glee Club's assignment. She would never admit it, but maybe it was the first time she put so much heart into something. Even cheerleading or history class – which she loved – never got the amount of attention she was giving to this freaking song. She spent evenings practicing it, and nights trying to improve the way she could mix it in order to make the two songs fit perfectly.

The other reason why she spent so much time working on it was that she actually prepared two different songs. Two songs that she could potentially sing, about two different subjects. But she only rehearsed one of them with Brad, every night, after school ended and the hallways were empty.

Brittany proposed her to come over several times, but she couldn't say yes; even if her parents didn't talk to her more than they needed to, they still didn't want her to go out or see anybody. She was stuck into her bedroom. It had never stopped her before, but this time she used it as an excuse to keep Brittany away while she was practicing. She didn't want her to see her before she was ready.

But in fact, Brittany seemed to be far away too. It seemed like she was hiding her song from Santana, and working on it harder than ever. Even if Santana wondered what she was preparing, she was too busy with her own song to worry about it too much.

* * *

><p>And before she could know it, it was Monday, and her song was ready. She felt sick all day, feeling the weight of the music sheets at the back of her bag while she walked through the crowded hallways. She still hadn't made her mind about which song she was going to sing.<p>

_You're Santana freaking Lopez. You're not afraid of anything. Just do it._

She would lie if she said that she wasn't nervous. She was practically shaking with nerves. But like the good Cheerio Captain that she was, she was doing an amazing job at hiding it. Nobody would be able to notice her nervousness, except if they were very perceptive or paying a lot of attention… Which Quinn was doing. She knew her friend well enough to know that her brow was more furrowed than usual, that her muscle were never that tense, and that her eyes were traveling faster than ever across the hallways, like trying to figure out an invisible threat.

Half-hidden behind her locker door, Quinn was silently observing Santana, trying to figure out the reason of her nervousness. She was closing her locker door in order to go and talk to her, when Azimio and another of the football players came by; she stopped to listen to their conversation when she heard the word "Kurt." At the same time, the bell rang and most of the people started making their ways into the classes.

"Lady Hummel was in the newspaper for the school's musical yesterday. Made me want to throw up." said one of the boys.

"I can't believe this fag is getting more attention than our team. It's crazy!"

"Which is why I decided to correct that. Look at that!"

The boy showed Azimio a piece of paper, and the other player laughed.

"Landzier, you're a freaking genius! Hang it on the dashboard, in order to remind everybody how stupid the little homo is."

The other boy stuck the poster on the board, and the two players high-fived before leaving, laughing loudly.

Even from her place, Quinn could see the features of the poster. The picture of Kurt that she had seen in the Lima Post the day before had been modified on Photoshop, and Kurt's face looked awful and gross, atrociously distorted and covered in make-up and lip gloss.

Quinn knew Santana had heard all the conversation, and when she turned around to look at her, she saw that she was looking at the poster, frozen in her spot, a look of pure horror painted on her face. But the expression disappeared almost immediately, replaced by an anger that Quinn was way too used to see on her best friend's face.

Santana finally moved and determinately walked to the board, tearing down the poster and leaving with it, shaking with anger, her knuckles white on the piece of paper in her hand.

The very few people who were still in the hallway looked confused. But hopefully nobody seemed to have noticed the poster.

Quinn didn't find Santana again that day, before the Glee Club meeting.

She didn't know what to expect from this.

* * *

><p>This afternoon in Glee, it was like the events of the morning had never happened. Santana was sitting at her usual spot, next to Brittany; Kurt was chatting excitedly with Rachel about the musical, and she concluded that he hadn't seen the poster.<p>

Mr Schue entered the room, and they all became quiet.

"Alright kids! Your assignment was due for today, and it will last until the end of the week, so that each and every one of you gets to sing his song. I hope you're all ready, and that you've taken it very seriously. Let's go!"

"Mr Schue, if I may?" Rachel volunteered, raising her hand.

"Actually Rachel, I was thinking about sticking to the assignment. You going first wouldn't be very surprising, so I would like to decide the order of presentation. Santana, you're up first."

"Wait what?" the girl asked, raising her head abruptly.

"You heard me. No discussion, you're starting."

Brittany stroked her arm when she bent over her bag to get her music sheets, but she almost didn't feel it. She wasn't really surprised that he had chosen her, after all. She felt like he had been waiting for it since the discussion in the choir room the week before. She hesitated during a long time in front of the two sheets of paper, not knowing which one to choose. She finally shot a very short glance at Kurt before shuffling one of the sheets into her bag and getting on her feet. And with just that, Quinn knew. She knew what the music sheet Santana had put away was about, and knew exactly why she was doing so. She knew her best friend, she knew the look on her face in the hallways just before, and she knew that it meant she would give up again.

Even with that knowledge, she couldn't shake the feeling of deception away.

Santana handed the music sheet to Brad, who frowned and couldn't hide his disappointment. They had spent enough time rehearsing together this week for him to know that it was not the song she was supposed to sing.

But he didn't say anything, and started playing the first notes. Santana followed, her voice unsteady at first and shaking almost imperceptibly.

_I will not make  
>The same mistakes that you did<br>I will not let myself  
>Cause my heart so much misery<br>I will not break  
>The way you did, you fell so hard<br>I've learned the hard way  
>To never let it get that far<em>

_Oh, it tears me up  
>I tried to hold on but it hurts too much<br>I tried to forgive but it's not enough  
>To make it all okay<em>

If Quinn had been disappointed at first, she was starting to change her mind. Santana's song was beautiful and heartbreaking, and everybody had stopped breathing when they had heard the first piano notes. This was huge. Deep. And very personal. The opposite of what Santana would usually sing during that kind of assignment.

_Because of you  
>I never stray too far from the sidewalk<br>Because of you  
>I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt<br>Because of you  
>I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me<br>Because of you I am afraid_

_But we're running through the fire  
>When there's nothing left to say<br>It's like chasing the very last train  
>When we both know it's too late, too late<em>

And that's only in this moment that Quinn realized. Santana wasn't doing her coming out, but she was still exposing herself. She was talking about her parents, the second thing she was the most insecure about – after her sexuality. Most of all, she was talking about a thing she had kept running away from for years: feelings.

And in her opening to the Glee Club, it was a huge step forward.

_Oh, it tears me up  
>I tried to hold on but it hurts too much<br>I tried to forgive but it's not enough  
>To make it all okay<em>

_I lose my way  
>And it's not too long before you point it out<br>I cannot cry  
>Because I know that's weakness in your eyes<br>I'm forced to fake  
>A smile, a laugh, every day of my life<br>My heart can't possibly break  
>When it wasn't even whole to start with<em>

It was pure genius. Santana had mixed Kelly Clarkson's Because Of You and James Morrison's duet with Nelly Furtado, Broken Strings, and had made it a song about her and her parents. She had mixed them in a way that transmitted all the pain, false expectations and deceived hopes her parents kept raising in her, all the promises they made and kept breaking, all the unsaid pain that had always been so overwhelmingly present in her house.

She was talking about something she had always so gracefully hid from the rest of them, and even Mr Schuester was surprised.

_Because of you, I never stray too far from the sidewalk  
>Because of you, I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt<br>Because of you, I found it hard to trust not only me but everyone around me  
>Because of you, I am afraid<em>

She was getting more and more confident as the song went on. Her voice was stronger, carrying the lyrics with a power that only she could muster. Santana didn't have Mercedes' voice or Rachel's vibrato, but she had her own powerful voice, and it was beautiful.

_You can't play our broken strings  
>You can't feel anything<br>That your heart don't want to feel  
>I can't tell you something that ain't real<br>_

_Because of you I never stray too far from the sidewalk  
>Because of you I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt<br>Because of you I try my hardest just to forget everything  
>Because of you<br>I don't know how to let anyone else in  
>Because of you<br>I'm ashamed of my life because it's empty  
>Because of you I am afraid<br>Because of you…_

When Brad hit the last notes on the piano, everybody was silent, still shocked by what they had just heard. They finally realized that the song was over, and started clapping furiously. And in a same uniform movement, they got up from their sits and took Santana in their arms, congratulating her on the amazing event they had just witnessed: the revelation that Santana Lopez was a human being, and that she had feelings.

Santana wasn't used to that kind of Glee effusions; not when they were directed to her. She first tensed in their arms, startled, but finally let it go and let them wrap their arms around her as they congratulated her and reassured her.

Quinn didn't join the group in their happy manifestation. She watched them from the back of the room, still angry at Santana for not making the right choice. Sure, what she had just done was brave, but once again she had chosen the easier way. Once again, she had given up what she wanted to the profit of what the others needed to see.

She had to talk to her.

* * *

><p>Quinn came to visit Santana the very same evening. Mrs. Lopez seemed genuinely happy to see her, detailing her with an appreciative look on her face.<p>

_Hopefully I let go off the pink hair a few days ago_.

"Hi Quinn! To what do we owe the pleasure of this visit?"

"Hi Mrs Lopez. I need to talk to Santana."

"She's grounded, actually." Mr. Lopez said from the living room. "You'll see her tomorrow at school."

"Ricardo, quizás Quinn puede ayudar Santana a ser normal de nuevo." (_* "Maybe Quinn could help making Santana normal again_.") Mrs Lopez said to her husband like it was a secret. Why wouldn't we let her in?"

_I've been learning Spanish for 7 years, bitch_. Quinn thought. _And known Santana since I was 5, so Spanish is kind of my second language._

She was mad at them. She wanted to shout and scream that they were crazy, that she hated them, that people like them shouldn't exist. But instead she made her sweetest smile, the one that no one could resist, and said:

"Thanks Mrs Lopez. I'll see what I can do."

As soon as she had her back to Maria Lopez, her smile disappeared and she clenched her teeth. Sometimes she was really grateful for her parent's divorce, even if it had made Judy Fabray an alcoholic sobbing mess.

She knocked softly on Santana's door. Getting no answer, she slowly opened it and spotted Santana laying on her bed, earphones on, staring at the ceiling.

She entered and closed the door behind her. She made her way to the bed and laid next to Santana; the dark-haired girl handed her one of her earphones, without averting her gaze from the ceiling. Quinn accepted it thankfully.

Amy Winehouse.

_Of course._

They laid here for a while, drowning in the music, letting it flow over their still bodies and agitated minds.

And then, at the end of Back To Black, Santana finally broke the silence.

"I couldn't do it Q."

"I know.

It's just… I was going to, but then…"

"I know."

There was a silence.

"Why aren't you mad at me?" Santana whispered.

Quinn didn't have any answer. Sure, when Santana had shuffled the sheet of paper that would – maybe – sign her coming out to the Glee Club in her bag, she had felt mad at her. She had wanted to get up from her sit and scream at her, shout to the room that she was a lesbian and tell her that see, it was not that difficult, and why was she making it all so hard all the time.

But then Santana had sang that song about her parents, and she had realized the long road the girl had traveled since the first time they had stepped into the high school hallways. Then she had seen her look of vulnerability and fear at the end of her song, while she waited for the Glee club members to react to what she had revealed to them. And then she had come here and seen her crazy and selfish parents, and once again been faced with an incredibly vulnerable Santana who didn't even have the strength to fight her anymore.

And in that moment, Quinn finally understood what Santana what so afraid of. Which was, in fact, the exact same thing that she herself feared. Being rejected. Not being loved. Not being good enough.

So instead of shouting at her or answering with all the sentences she had had in her mind on the road to the Lopez's house, she just pulled her into a hug.

"It will all be fine, S."

* * *

><p><strong>AN: Not too disappointed that she didn't do it yet? Don't worry, she will eventually. But like I already said, it's a long way to go... Not so much Brittana in this chapter, but that will happen too. I hope you still like Quinn and Santana's friendship. I like them as friends, they're good for each other. Don't you think?**

**On a different note, have you heard about the spoilers for the next episode? Are you as excited as I am?**


	10. The Broken Queens

**Chapter 10: The Broken Queens **

They stayed here the whole evening, laying on Santana's bed, silently thinking about all the things that had changed since the first time they had stepped into the high school hallways. Back then, they had been the queens of McKinley, the HBICs, the ones people feared and admired at the same time. But Quinn had lost a part of her credibility when she had gotten pregnant, and her popularity had never really recovered; Santana, in appearance, was still leading the school and the Cheerios, but her power was faltering and they both knew it was just a matter of time before her reign came to an end.

Right now, alone in this bedroom where nobody else could see them, they were just as lost as the losers they once laughed at.

They were broken. The two girls who had learnt to hide their feelings behind a layer of nastiness and indifference were tired of pretending. Coming from families who had always expected too much from them and never really showed them love and support had once torn them apart, but now brought them back together in a moment when they needed someone to understand how they felt. How could it have all turned out so wrong? Where did they fuck up? What could they have done better? Somewhere along the way, being pretty had stopped being enough. Being smart and successful wasn't either. So how where they supposed to do?

Could they have avoided all the heartbreak and sadness that came with the realization that things were never easy, and that in order to survive, they needed to fight? That in order to be happy, they would have to learn to accept themselves and their flaws, in order to stand tall in front of people and defend their rights when they would be overstepped?

None of these questions could be answered in only one evening. When Quinn left Santana that night, the same questions and fears still floated in their minds. But for now, it was overcome by the realization that they weren't alone anymore.

* * *

><p>Quinn came back the next evening, and the evening after. Mrs. Lopez was way too happy to have her over, thinking it might help her daughter '<em>'come back to normal''<em>.

If only she knew what they talked about, once the bedroom door closed.

''Santana? Can I ask you a question?" Quinn said on Wednesday, laying on Santana's bed, raising her head from her French homework.

"Fabray, if you want to know if I want to make out with you, the answer is no, I don't. You have a sweet ass, but I'm not _that_ into that.'' Santana answered from her desk, paraphrasing Quinn with a smirk.

"Ha ha, very funny Lopez" Quinn answered, using her surname as well. "No, I wanted to know… Why don't you try to come out to the Glee Club again? I mean, I've been thinking about it, and you have nothing to be afraid of… We're like a big family, they would all accept you for who you are."

She regretted her words as soon as they left her mouth, but surprisingly Santana didn't look mad. Instead, she slowly closed her pen and put it on her desk, before staring into Quinn's hazel eyes.

"Q, did you see how my family reacted to my coming out? They don't talk to me anymore. I'm grounded into this bedroom until I'm 30, and the only reason they let you in is because they think you can change me. Plus I totally thought I would keep a scar on my otherwise perfect skin for the rest of my life." She added, pointing to her cheek which was now perfectly healed. "Why would the Glee Club accept me where my parents rejected me?"

"Your parents are freaking uptight and conservative, and very close-minded Catholics, Santana. You can't compare them to Glee…" Quinn whispered tentatively, paying attention not to be heard by the other Lopez.

"Besides, you know how gossipy these kids can be…" Santana cut. "In less than a second, all McKinley would know that I'm gay, and I'm definitely not ready for that. I've never been really nice to them, why do you think they would keep a secret for me?"

She was on her defensive again. Quinn was about to answer when Mrs. Lopez knocked on the door, telling her it was time for her to go home; Judy Fabray had just called to say that dinner was ready.

Quinn gathered her stuff together, unable to answer Santana's question under Mrs. Lopez's stare; this latter escorted her to the door, and all Quinn could do was wave at Santana who still had her brow deeply furrowed, sitting cross-legs on her desk chair.

Later that evening, when Santana got into bed after yet another silent dinner, her phone vibrated on her bedside table. She picked it up, silently hoping for a text from Brittany. They hadn't really had time to talk this week, since Brittany still seemed to be working pretty hard on her assignment, without telling her what it was about.

She felt a little bit disappointed when she saw the name that flashed on her screen.

_**1 Text Message From: Quinn [10:45pm]**_

**Sophomore year, when I got pregnant. They kept it a secret for as long as they could. I wasn't exactly being nice to them at that time. I was actually a pretty damn bitch… They like you, Santana. You don't give them enough credit. Tell me you'll give them a chance?**

She sighed and was about to answer when her phone vibrated again.

_**1 Text Message From: Tina [10:47pm]**_

**Hi Santana! I hope I'm not bothering you, but I was wondering… Remember that time we worked on Trouty Mouth together? I'm having some troubles with the mash up assignment, and since you did so good on Monday, I wanted to know if you would agree to help me out a little… I'm sorry if I'm overstepping here. Good night!**

Santana stayed still in her bed for a few minutes, reading again the two texts and letting their warmth sink into her chest and make her heart flutter. It was a nice, new, and strange feeling at the same time, coming from these two persons she wouldn't have expected it from a few weeks ago. Usually, Brittany was the only person who made her feel like this. Loved. Liked. Appreciated, at least. She wasn't used to being the one people ask help from, and she had to say it felt pretty good.

_They like you, Santana._

The 4 words from Quinn's text were still shining on her screen.

She shook her head, and answered the first text: _"Ok Q. I'll try."_

She stared at the second text a little while longer, before answering to Tina.

"_I would love to_."

* * *

><p><strong>AN: This is a very short chapter but it was necessary, and the next one will be up soon! What do you think? Would you like to see some Santana/Tina friendship? By the way, I know Brittany isn't really present for now but trust me, she has her reasons and she will come back eventually.**

**By the way, thank you for all the awesome and kind reviews. They make me feel the same way Quinn and Tina's texts made Santana feel... You make my heart light up each time I read them!**


	11. Making Friends Is Not That Hard

**Chapter 11: Making Friends (Is Not That Hard)**

They had agreed to meet in the choir room after the end of classes the next day. Santana was nervous: apart from Brittany or Quinn, she never hung out with other members of the Glee Club after classes. Alone. She had never been really good at making friends, after all.

When she walked into the choir room, Tina was already here, softly trailing her fingers over the piano keys. She stopped when she saw Santana walking in, offering her a shy smile. She looked just as nervous as her, and for a moment Santana thought she might start stuttering again.

"You came." Tina stated, sounding surprised.

"Yeah. I know it's hard to believe, but I actually sometimes honor my engagements." Santana answered.

To be honest, she had hesitated about coming until the very last minute. Planning to go back home and tell her parents that the impromptu Cheerio meeting she had invoked as an excuse to go back home late had been canceled. Thinking about sending the same text she had sent Brittany 4 hours before the episode of Fondue For Two that would have signed her coming out last year.

_I can't._

But then she had pictured the sad face of Brittany during that same episode of Fondue For Two where she had had to interview Lord Tubbington instead of Santana, just because the girl she loved wasn't brave enough to do what she asked her to. She had remembered the hurt her best friend tried to hide on the video, and thought that maybe it was time for her to stop disappointing the ones she wanted to call her friends.

So there she was, alone in the choir room with a Tina Cohen-Chang who looked just as un-at-ease as her. She decided to make things easier for both of them, and slid next to Tina on the piano bench, grabbing the few music sheets discarded on the top of the piano. "So what you got here?"

Tina smiled shyly, grateful to see that the other girl was not going to let her down.

"Well I've been working on this for more than a week but the songs just don't seem to fit together…"

"What do you wanna sing about?"

Tina stayed silent for a while before answering in a quiet voice.

"My adoption."

Santana raised her head and stared at her in disbelief.

"Wait, you've been adopted? How comes I didn't know that?"

"I don't really talk about it." Tina answered. "Mike is the only one who knows, and only because he met my parents and saw we didn't look alike… At all."

"But why would you hide it? I mean it's not like you should be ashamed of it, it's actually pretty cool…"

"I've been picked up on because of this when I was younger." Tina said with her eyes lowered. "The other kids didn't understand why I didn't look like my parents when they picked me up from school, and they liked to make jokes about it and make fun of me. The fact that I'm Asian didn't really help, I guess…"

She raised her head in order to stare into Santana's eyes.

''But I'm more confident now, and I feel like the Glee Club deserves to know it. You guys have helped me through so much these last 2 years that I owe you the truth… Plus it's a surprise for Mike. He's been telling me to tell you all for a while now, and now I'm ready. Anyway, do you think you would be able to do something about the songs?"

Santana stared at her a little longer, still dumbfounded. She had so many questions to ask. So many things she wanted to know about this girl she had known for almost 3 years and still ignored so many things about.

But she shook her head and grabbed the music sheets; they had some work to do. They would have plenty of time to talk at another moment, plenty of time for her to ask questions. And she would have plenty of time to think about that sentence Tina had just said, and that applied to her more than she would have wanted it to: "_You guys have helped me through so much these last 2 years that I owe you the truth."_

* * *

><p>2 hours later, Tina's mash up was perfect. They had mixed Lovesong by Adele and I Will Always Remember You by Sarah McLachlan, and the result overcame their expectations. It was a nice and indirect way to talk about the love Tina had for her parents, the ones who had raised her and gave her all she had.<p>

"It's amazing, Santana! How can I thank you?" said Tina excitedly with a huge smile on her face.

"Just don't tell anyone that I helped you with it. I don't want everybody to ask for my help when they realize I'm a mash up genius!" Santana joked.

Tina laughed, and then seemed to hesitate about something.

"Santana… Would it be too much to propose you to go grab something to eat at Breadsticks? I know we're not really friends and this mash up doesn't change anything between us, but it's not that late and I have nothing planned for the evening..."

Santana thought deeply about it before answering. Usually she would have said no without even thinking about it, and maybe she would have added a vicious comment about how hanging out with the adopted Asian would kill her reputation. But usually, she wouldn't even have bothered to come here in the first place; Tina was being nice and friendly, and Santana thought it couldn't hurt to try and see what came out of it. Since they were 5, Brittany and Quinn had been her only friends, and maybe it could be interesting to get to know someone else. Tina was always a better choice than Rachel Berry, in any case.

"You use the word Breadsticks and expect me to say no? Clearly you need to learn to know me, Chang."

"It's Cohen-Chang." Tina corrected.

"Sure, whatever. It's going to be your name someday anyway." she smirked, making Tina blush furiously.

* * *

><p>And that's how they ended up at Breadsticks, sitting at one of the tables Santana had shared with Brittany so many times, and were Tina had succeeded in bringing Mike a couple of times. They soon discovered that they were both addicted to the restaurant, Tina for the "bottomless salad bowls", and Santana for the breadsticks and the food in general.<p>

At the beginning, both of them were feeling awkward, not knowing what to say to one another; but soon the awkwardness disappeared, and the conversation finally started, allowing them to discover some similarities between each other, other than Glee.

They both liked Adele and Florence and the Machine, even if their musical tastes mainly differed. They discovered that they were into the same kind of books: Tina was in fact very surprised to learn that Santana was a reader; she would have never guessed.

Tina wasn't really into Cheerleading, but she loved football and had even played for a while in a girl's team, in elementary school – which could explain her amazing action on the field the year before, during the final game of the season.

They were ordering the dessert when the conversation drifted to something completely different.

"So you've been adopted…" Santana stated. "How old were you, if I may ask?"

Tina blushed softly.

"No problem, I just need to get used to talking about it with someone else than Mike… I was just a few days old. My parents told me when I was very young, and I'm very grateful for that: I didn't look like them anyway, so it would have been stupid to hide it from me. But since we've always been pretty open about it, and we've discussed it a lot, I don't have any problem with it."

Santana nodded, before asking another question.

"Do you have any brothers and sisters?"

"No. I'm an only child."

Just like Santana. Only Tina looked like she had always been loved, which was the opposite of her. She tried to get this thought away by continuing her interrogation.

"Have you ever wondered if your parents were still alive?"

She then realized the bluntness of her question and bit her lips, ready to apologize for overstepping; but Tina didn't seem too bothered by the question.

"No, not really. I mean my parents love me and I love them, so why would I want to go and look somewhere else? I have everything I ever wanted here. I don't need anything more."

Santana nodded again, but she still had one more question to ask.

"So why do you hide the fact that you've been adopted from everybody?"

"Because… Even if I accept it doesn't mean that over people will, you know? I mean it's hard enough to be just Asian without having to be adopted all the more…" Tina was obviously struggling to find the right words to express her thoughts, but her face lit up when she thought about a comparison Santana could understand. "You know just like me what it's like to be a part of an ethnic minority in this country. Why would I want to state that I'm part of another minority, one that might not be obvious when you first see me, but which could increase the chances to make my life even harder than it already is?"

Santana felt a bang in her stomach. Oh yeah, she knew what Tina meant. More than anyone. But Tina kept talking, oblivious to Santana who was shifting uncomfortably in her sit.

"But I'm stronger now. Why would I keep hiding it? I mean I have the Glee Club, and I know they would never judge me about that. Maybe they'll be a little unhappy that I hid it from them for so long, but they will understand, and I know they will be there for me whatever happens. I don't need all McKinley to know, but I think the people I care for and who care for me deserve to know the real me."

These words hit Santana, but she didn't want to think about it for now. She just wanted to enjoy her meal, and focused on the conversation which drifted to yet another topic.

_This is a nice evening_, she thought while crunching a breadstick.

* * *

><p>One hour later, they finally finished eating and parted ways in front of Breadsticks, stating that they would see each other in Glee Club the next day.<p>

While Santana was driving back home, she thought that it was maybe the first time she had gone out for dinner without anything else than friendship involved. It felt good, for once. Not to feel wanted in _that _kind of way, just spending time and chatting with someone else.

Santana had never really tried to get to know about the other Glee Club members, but she was realizing that maybe they weren't all that bad. Maybe she didn't need to be a bitch to them all the time, after all.

_Tina could be a good friend,_ was her last thought before drifting to sleep that night.

* * *

><p><strong>AN: So what do you think? Do you like this new friendship? I have a lot of things in sight for the next chapter, so stayed tuned!**

**On a different note, BRITTANA ARE GIRLFRIENDS ! Have you read about the spoilers? I'm very excited for 3x07, and I can't wait to see how everything will happen... As I said, I really hope her parents will reject her, even if it would be sad. I think it's really necessary to see the other side of the young people coming out to their parents, but we'll see what happens.**


	12. Coming Out

**Chapter 12: Coming Out**

The next day, Tina's song went awesomely well; it was maybe the first song she got to fully finish, and the entire Glee Club cheered her like never before, engulfing her in a group hug that was almost becoming a habit during this week of assignment.

Tina mouthed a silent thank you over Mike's shoulder, and Santana answered with a wide smile. From her place at the back of the room, Quinn caught the small interaction but didn't say anything.

It was then decided that the mash up assignment would last longer than just one week. Seeing as they were heading, it would last until after the fall holidays, so that everybody would have a chance at it. Santana had opened something with her honesty about her parents, and now it seemed like everybody was ready to talk about their deepest fears, pains, or feelings. It was incredible.

At the end of Glee, Santana got a hold on Brittany.

"Brittany? Can I drive you back home?"

Once in the car, a comfortable silence settled before she finally broke it.

"Brittany… I'm sorry. I haven't been really present these days" Santana said, eyes focused on the road. "It's just… I know my parents don't let me out at night, but I haven't been really present at school either. I guess I've been a little preoccupied, and I left you behind. I'm really sorry."

"It's ok, San." Brittany answered in a quiet voice. "I haven't been here for you either. We've both been busy with Mr. Schue's assignment, but it will be better once it will be over, right?"

Santana nodded, and Brittany noticed that she was still frowning and trying to hold back tears.

"Hey, it's ok!" she said, grabbing her hand. "Plus I totally plan on spending all of my holidays with you. Like every moment of it!"

Santana laughed and squeezed her hand.

"That's a wonderful idea." She said. "And I plan on doing that too."

She didn't let go off Brittany's hand until they got in front of the Pierce's house.

There, Brittany hugged her and kissed her on the cheek, lingering there a little bit longer than necessary.

"Whatever happens, just know that I'm _so_ proud of you."

Santana's heart skipped a beat, but Brittany was already out of the car, waving at her with her usual amazing smile.

"See you tomorrow San!"

_I don't deserve you._ Santana thought again while she watched her best friend bounce happily to get to her house's door.

* * *

><p>Santana didn't sleep that night. She kept shifting in her bed, trying to get all of the images out of her mind. The assignment. Brittany. Quinn's text message. Brittany. Brad's frown when she had handed him the sheets. Brittany, Brittany, Brittany.<p>

Tina's words from the afternoon, when she had sang the song about her adoption, kept replaying in her mind. _I know you guys are no way like the kids who used to pick up on me when I was young, or like the jocks who walk through the hallways every day, throwing slushies at us. You're my friends, my family. I can do that for you. You've helped me through so much, I owe you that._

She bit her pillow in order to calm down and hold back the tears that threatened to fall from her eyes, her breathing erratic. She shut her eyes and blocked her ears, but the images kept coming back, and the sentences kept repeating in her head. _You've helped me through so much, I owe you that. I owe you that. I owe y…_

_But I don't owe you anything!_ her mind screamed. _What did you ever do for me? All of you! Why can I be sure you would not judge me? How can I trust you?_

Her eyes kept trailing to the place where she knew her bag was, and she finally got up to take it. She blindly dived her hand into it to find the music sheets, the ones she hadn't had the guts to sing, and trailed her fingers over the lines and notes she had rehearsed so many times last week, just for her and Brad.

A flash of anger grew in her chest, and she angrily crumpled the papers before shuffling them deep in her bag, throwing it back to the corner of the room.

_I can't. I fucking can't!_

Unable to calm down, she got up again and placed herself in front of the mirror. The moon light streaming from her window illuminated her reflection, and she stared into the deep chocolate eyes that stared back at her, taking in the frown on her face, the tears in her eyes, her chest that quickly heaved up and down, on the edge of a panic attack.

She thought about a sentence she had heard so many times but never really paid attention to. "Do you like what you see when you look in the mirror?"

_No. I hate that._

The anger rose again uncontrollably, and she couldn't control it. She launched her fist again the mirror, shattering it into hundreds of pieces. She winced at the sharp pain that flashed into her knuckles and fell on her knees, the pieces of glass cutting a little into her knees. But she didn't care. The real pain was not in her fists or in her knees; it was everywhere, in her chest, in her head she thought would explode, in her stomach, in her whole body. It made her feel like this body wasn't hers anymore. Like she could disappear any moment and stop hurting so much.

Around 6 in the morning, exhaustion finally took over and she fell asleep on the floor, beside the shattered mirror.

* * *

><p>The next day at school wasn't any better. It was Friday, the last day before the Fall Holidays, and everybody was utterly excited; but Santana wandered from class to class like a zombie, feeling nauseous and sick. She would have done anything not to have to stay at home with her mother.<p>

She stopped by the nurse office in order to get her hand healed – it had become blue and swollen during her agitated night, and several cuts covered it; but at least it was not broken. When the nurse asked her what had happened, she shrugged and said "I don't know." The older woman knew better than to oppose to Santana, and she just let it go.

Santana crossed Tina's path in front of her locker; the girl smiled at her before frowning and looking at her with a worried look on her face.

"Santana, what's happening?" Tina asked.

"Leave me alone." Santana snapped. But her eyes softened when she saw Tina take a step back, frightened. "Please?" she begged.

Tina stared at her for a while before nodding.

"I'll see you in Glee."

The rest of the day was ethic. She missed lunch, unable to eat anything; she tried to eat something at 3, but ended up emptying the content of her stomach in the girl's bathroom. She would have missed classes, but she didn't want people to question her absence. Her last class was Spanish lesson, and Mr Schuester would have wondered what happened to her; she didn't need that.

And finally it was Glee time. The last meeting before the holidays. Everybody was super excited, talking about their holiday plans and the current assignment; Santana was sitting in the last row, her eyes closed, her mind racing like crazy.

Mr Schuester entered the room, quickly taking the lead of the class, losing no time in other considerations.

"Ok guys! So we still have 3 persons to pass, and we will probably finish this assignment after the holidays; I really want all of you to have the chance to sing their song. Quinn, Mike, Brittany? Who wants to go first?"

Santana got up, feeling worst than ever but determined to do what she had planned.

"Mr Schue, there's something I would like to say right now."

"I'm sorry Santana, but we don't have time for that. You've had the opportunity to sing your song already, some of your friends didn'…"

"Let her do it, Mr Schue." Quinn said in a firm voice, while Mike nodded. Brittany just stared at Santana, a worried look on her face at the sight of her best friend who obviously was very sick.

Santana dived her hand into her bag, taking out a creased stack of papers and going in front of the class, trying to smooth the sheets while her legs shook crazily.

Brad made a face when she handed him the crumpled papers, but he smiled at her encouragingly when he saw the first notes he had come to know during the last few weeks. She didn't even notice it.

Her voice was unsteady when she finally spoke.

"I… I wanted to sing…"

She whipped a thin layer of sweat that covered her forehead, breathing heavily, and Mr Schuester looked at her worriedly.

"Santana, are you ok? Maybe you should go to the nurse…"

"NO!" she shouted, before closing her eyes and taking a deep breath. "No. I'm not sick. I need to do this or I will never feel better."

She took another deep breath and opened her eyes, her gaze falling on Brittany.

"Brittany told me last year that the Glee Club was like a family, just after we lost Nationals." She started, never leaving Brittany's eyes. "I didn't really believe it at that time. Ever since she told me that, several people told me the same thing, and I had the opportunity to realize that she might have been right after all. And since my family sucks so bad… I might try to give a chance to this one."

The others were silent, waiting for her to keep going. It took all the strength Brittany had not to just get up and hold her. But Santana needed to do this alone, and she was willing to respect that. So instead, she stayed still, not moving a finger, trying to transmit all the strength and support she could to Santana with only one look.

"The other day, I sang a song about my parents. You all applauded me, but it was not the song I wanted to sing. In fact, I had prepared another mash up that I didn't have the strength to sing.

_You're halfway in it Lopez, just do it._

"I don't feel any stronger right now, in fact I think I've never felt that bad. But as Tina rightly said yesterday, you deserve the truth. I just hope you will accept it, and that you'll keep it to yourselves."

She made a small sign to Brad, and as the first notes finally started to play on the piano, she added one last thing.

"These are not songs I'm used to listen, and it's not the kind of music I usually sing, but it's the only songs I found that would go straight to the point."

And then she started to sing.

_Hey Hey, Hey Hey_

_Yeah Ha, Yeah Ha_

_Hey Hey, Hey Hey_

_Ah Ah, Ah Ah_

_Hey Hey, Hey Hey_

_Yeah Ha, Yeah Ha_

_Hey Hey, Hey Hey_

_Ah Ah, Ah Ah_

_I love that lavender blonde,_

_The way she moves,_

_The way she walks_

_Because girls are best for girls,_

_And when we play,_

_Oh we don't cheat at all_

The Glee Clubbers exchanged some bewildered looks. They were guessing where it was heading, but they couldn't believe it. Was Santana coming out? Some of them already knew, or they had some idea, but they didn't think she would take this step, and that it would be so painful for her…

Her voice was still trembling, in expectation of the next lyrics which were always the most difficult part. After that, everybody would know. There was no other possible interpretation. And even if it was a relief because she wouldn't need to explain, there was no going back anymore.

But she kept singing anyway.

_And in the silence of the night,_

_Through all the tears and all the lies,_

_I don't do boys,_

_I just do girls,_

_I just do girls with style and class,_

_I don't do boys,_

_I just do girls,_

_I just do girls with a kissable ass,_

_Yeah I will not do boys,_

_Oh Oh…_

Quinn couldn't believe Santana was finally doing it. She was listening intently, a proud smile on her face, like a proud mother who sees her child walking without help for the first time. Santana was doing it. She was coming out to the Glee Club, with a song which could in no way be interpreted in any other way. And she was doing it by herself, without anyone behind her, without Brittany by her side to support her or without the possibility to hide behind anybody.

She was so strong. And it made Quinn want to fight to be as strong as her friend was being.

_Just give in,_

_Don't give up baby,_

_Open your heart and your mind to me,_

_Just know when,_

_The glass is empty and the world is gonna bend,_

_Yeah…_

_Happy in a club with a bottle of red wine,__  
>Stars in our eyes cause we're having a good time,<em>

_Hey hey_

_So happy I could die,_

_Be your best friend,_

_Yeah I love you forever,_

_Up in the clouds we'll be higher than ever,_

_Hey hey, Hey hey,_

_So happy I could die,_

_And it's alright…_

Kurt looked at Santana as she was taking more and more insurance with her song, and he smiled knowingly. _Finally_, he thought to himself. He was just maybe a little bit jealous that his coming out hadn't been that sparkling and interesting, but otherwise he was very happy for her. He couldn't help but take a look at the other members, and what he saw only reinforced what he already knew and what he had told her the day she had come out to him: they accepted her. They were all silent, and looking at her with different degrees of pride, happiness or nice surprise on their faces – only Finn looked pretty confused, but then again, he always was – and Kurt's smile grew wider.

_Nice job, Satan._

_I don't do boys,_

_I just do girls,_

_I just do girls with style and class,_

_I don't do boys,_

_I just do girls with a kissable ass,_

_Yeah I will not do boys…_

_Oh Oh_

Sitting on the edge of her seat, Brittany listened, stunned, trying not to miss any of the lyrics that the girl she loved was singing. She couldn't believe what Santana was doing. She couldn't believe that after all she had gone through with her family these last few weeks, she was still finding the strength to stand in front of the Glee members and to sing something so deeply personal. The fluttering of her heart that she felt every time she saw Santana was making her chest ache in good pain, and she kept listening, her eyes wide open, to the girl who was once so afraid of feelings and was now pouring her heart out to the ones she used to hate.

_Hey Hey, Yeah Ha, Yeah Ha_

_Hey Hey, Hey Hey,_

_So happy I could die,_

_And it's alright,_

_It's alright,_

_It's alright…_

_So happy I could die,_

_It's alright…_

At the end of the song, they didn't have time to applause that Santana was already turning on her heels to get out of the room, as fast as possible, not even daring to look at them.

But she was only halfway to the door when she was tackled by a body she knew oh too well, and which was soon followed by the rest of the club.

She couldn't breathe, and she was so surprised that at first she wanted to fight them, to kick them so that they would release her; but she let it go when she realized that they were not going to hurt her, and that this embrace only meant that they accepted her. So she finally let the tears fall freely on her face, and the ones who were holding her only reinforced their embrace around her small body. She looked so fragile in that moment that they were afraid she might break if they would let her go.

They finally released her, and everybody started talking in the same time. Mike looked at her with a proud smile on his face, and held her once again while whispering "I always knew." Tina was crying in happiness, her hand firm around Santana's wrist, never letting her go.

Finn hadn't moved from his seat, and was tilting his head to the side while saying "So… I lost my virginity to a lesbian?" while Artie patted his shoulder sympathetically.

Rachel waited for the room to get a little quieter before talking: "Santana, even if I think that "I'm Coming Out" from Dianna Ross would have been more appropriate, I am proud that you've decided to take this step in self-acceptance and honesty towards yourself and the rest of this club."

"Rachel, don't make her regret it now, please." Mercedes said. "But Santana? Thanks for telling us."

Quinn looked at Brittany who still hadn't let Santana go, and was holding her so tight that her friend could barely move. But Santana didn't care. It was ok. It was ok because Brittany had been right, as well as Kurt, Tina, and Quinn. She could trust them. She knew that many people wouldn't accept her for who she was, but the Glee Club members were different.

Maybe she had found a new family after all.

* * *

><p><strong>AN : THIS STORY IS NOT FINISHED! Santana still has a long way to go, even if the Glee Club accepted her... Did you like this chapter? Thanks to all the people who submitted some songs, as you can see I used some of your submissions (that I didn't know before, by the way) This was a long chapter, but it was the most important one, so...**

**What did you think about last week's episode? Are you as mad at Finn as I am, and as heartbroken for Santana?**

**And one last thing... Be ready for some angst during the next chapters of Things Are Never Easy ! That's all I will say...**


	13. In Your Interest

**A/N: I know I haven't updated in more than a month, and I'm really, really sorry for that. I have been very busy lately and had to face a huge writer's block, but it's ok now ; and I have two other chapters almost ready!**

**I have to say that I'm very disappointed in the way the Glee writers handled Santana's coming out storyline – even if I really liked the scene with her abuela – but I can't do anything about that. (And you, what did you think about it?) The only thing I can do is to keep writing this story the way I had planned it; I just have to warn you that what happened during the last episodes of Glee won't change anything to the way I see the characters in this story and to the way things are supposed to happen.**

**With that, I hope you'll enjoy this new chapter!**

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter 13: In Your Interest<strong>

Santana got out of the room to wait for Brittany while she talked with Brad about something – probably about her song for the assignment. The other Glee members smiled at her when they got out of the room, congratulating her warmly and wishing her nice holidays; Quinn smiled at her and pressed her hand one more time before leaving. Rachel told her she and her dads would be there for her if she needed anything, and Kurt smiled at her proudly. Tina told her maybe they could see each other during the holidays; Santana nodded, and hugged her again.

"Thank you," she said.

"For what?" Tina asked, surprised.

"Because if you hadn't asked for help the other day I might have never done this."

Brittany was the only one still in the choir room when suddenly, Puck grabbed Santana's arm and pulled her into the janitor's closet.

"Puck, what the fu…" She tried to yell, but she was cut by his hand over her mouth which shut her up completely. Her eyes widened while she tried to kick him, trying ferociously to get out of his tight hold, but he was stronger than her.

"Lopez, calm down!"

He saw the flash of fear in her eyes, and it was like she had burnt him. He let her go, and held his hands up in the air, never breaking eye contact, but still placing himself between her and the door so that she wouldn't leave; but she was still kicking him, trying to make him move.

"Santana _stop_! I'm not going to do anything, I just want to talk!"

She stopped punching him, and stared at him before spitting:

''Puckerman, if you're trying to talk me into a threesome, you can go fuck yourself! Literally speaking!"

He smiled at the attack, staying surprisingly calm in front of her. The Puck she once knew had grown up during these last few months, but she still sometimes had a hard time remembering it.

''No, that's not what I wanna talk about. It's important, and I really need you to listen to me."

"What? Did it hurt your sensibility to learn that you spent all of those years sleeping with a lesbian?''

She was still mad at him, not because he was talking to her, but because for a moment, he had really frightened her. For a moment he had, in her mind, represented one of the threats she feared the most related to her coming out. He had represented the boys who would try to "_straighten her up_" and she had reacted too fast, and in a stupid way. It was Puck, Noah Puckerman, and even if he sometimes surprised her she shouldn't have been afraid of him.

''Santana, please listen to me.''

There was something in Puck's voice, something softer that didn't stick to the badass character he spent his time playing in high school. It was like he was… Pleading. Begging her to listen to him. It surprised her so much that her anger fell as fast as it had rose, and she looked at him, waiting for him to talk. She was even more surprised when she realized that for once, he really looked un-at-ease; Puck never lost his words, and when they were together before, he always knew exactly what he wanted and how to get it.

Even with that, she was still Santana Lopez. And she was not stupid enough to drop her guard all too easily.

"Spill it Puckerman, I don't have the whole day."

''Was it unbearable?'' Puck asked abruptly, blurting the words he hadn't been able to pronounce until now.

''What ?''

''When we were together. Was it unbearable? I mean… Was it a real ordeal for you when we had sex, or was there something that made it more bearable for you?''

It took her a moment to understand the question. And when she did, she wondered where it was going. A part of her still wanted to fight him, fearing that he might reject her for what she had just revealed to the club, or that he might try to take advantage of it now that he knew.

''What?'' she said harshly. ''You want to know if you were so good in bed that even a lesbian could love it? Or if you were so bad that _you_ turned me into a lesbian? You're afraid it might hurt your little pride? ''

"_No_! Santana, it has nothing to do with that."

The occasions on which he called her by her first name were rare, and she softened just a little; he seemed really sincere.

''So what is it?'' she asked, her voice softer.

At this point, Puck wasn't even looking at her anymore, and was fidgeting with the hem of his shirt. As far as she could remember, she had never seen him so embarrassed for all the time she had known him, except for when they were 7 and he had peed in his pants in front of the whole class.

He raised his head to stare right into her eyes.

''If you consider yourself as lesbian, and not even bisexual, it means that you were never really attracted to guys. It means that you didn't like it when you were with one, and that it must have felt like I raped you every time I touched you.''

The shock of this revelation left her speechless. Puck wasn't trying to preserve is pride, or to get her to have sex with him again in order to 'fix her problem'; he actually felt bad for her. He felt guilty for all those nights they had spent together, whereas she was usually the one to push things to happen, when she was trying to understand her feelings, and what was 'wrong' with her. When she desperately tried to make all these feelings for Brittany go away by crawling in his bed every night.

''I'm so sorry for everything you went through, Santana.''

Her first name again. She could never get used to hearing him calling her like that.

''I'm so sorry that I made you endure all of this, and I didn't even realize anything. I'm sorry that I never saw earlier the way you felt, and that I didn't try to understand you a little better. I'm sorry I wasn't…''

His voice faltered a little, and for a moment she thought he might start to cry. She had to stop him right now or he would get all emotional; and she didn't want to have to deal with a sobbing Puck right now.

So she put a hand on his arm to stop his rant, and cut him. ''It's ok, Puckerman. You don't have to be sorry. I'm the one who made me go through all of this, none of this was your fault."

He listened to her when she talked, and she thought that maybe it was the first time he looked at her in the eyes and didn't check out her boobs when she talked.

"I think I was just too afraid to see the truth, and I put myself in this situation…" she continued. "But it's okay now. I guess.''

She gave him a weak smile, and he couldn't help but engulf her into a hug. She was first surprised by the attention, but finally held him back, feeling good in the way it didn't imply anything else for once.

''I kinda really liked you, you know.'' He whispered in her hair.

''I know'', she answered, her eyes closed to hold back a few tears. ''I kinda liked you too.''

_Just not in the same way._

They finally broke the hug, and heard the bell ringing. They looked at each other, and the moment was gone; she slowly made her way to the door. ''We should go, before people start gossiping... I'm going first, count to 10 and then get out, okay?''

He nodded and grinned, unable to keep a small joke to himself.

''Wild lesbian coming out of the closet…''

''Shut up Puckerman'' she snapped, but she was smiling.

When she was next to the door and ready to open it, she stopped and turned around to say one last thing.

''You know Puck… The reason I came back to you all these times was that I kind of trusted you. And you weren't that bad, compared to the others… I think Hudson was maybe the worst thing that ever happened to me. Thanks God it was really quick, or I could have died in that motel before getting to eat my last breadstick.''

He smiled, and she snapped back to the old bitchy Santana that he loved.

"But remember, if you ever try to put the moves on me again? I will break your nuts.''

He laughed, and then she was gone.

* * *

><p>As soon as Santana came out of the closet, Brittany jumped on her.<p>

"Oh my God San, you did it!'' Brittany squealed in excitement, holding her so close Santana could feel her heart beat against hers. "I can't believe it, I'm so proud of you!"

"I know right?" Santana laughed. "I can't believe I did it either…."

They held each other for a while, before Brittany released her. She flashed her a bright smile, and held out her pinky; Santana smiled, and wrapped her own pinky around it as they started walking towards the parking lot.

Brittany had a brightest smile than usual – if it was possible – and kept glancing at Santana in a way that made her feel all warm inside. She loved when Brittany looked at her like that.

"Are you coming home with me tonight?" Brittany asked when she arrived in front of her car. "My mom cooked French pancakes in order to celebrate the holidays, and she said that you could come over!"

Santana laughed at how excited Brittany was at the prospect of the holidays.

"I would love to, but there's something I really want to do before. I have to talk to my parents."

She had been thinking about it for a while, but didn't have the strength to do it. But now, with the Glee Club's support and Brittany's pinky in hers, she felt like she could achieve anything. Even that.

Brittany's smile faltered and she frowned, all her previous happiness gone.

"Will you be ok? Do you want me to come with you?"

"Thanks, but I'll be fine. I just have to lay things down on the table one and for once. But I'll meet you at your house right after, ok?"

Brittany nodded, before pulling her into a hug. "Good luck." She whispered into her hair. "Call me if you need anything."

She kissed her temple and let her go, watching Santana as she walked towards the confrontation that would define her future relationship with her parents.

But Brittany was reassured. Because before her best friend walked away, she had seen that sparkle in her eyes, this look of determination everybody in McKinley knew and that meant "_I'll get what I want_."

Santana would be fine.

* * *

><p>When Santana's car entered the alley in front of her house, her resolution was slowly fading. What was she going to tell them? How would they react? It had been terrible enough the first time, and the silence of the previous weeks had been very demanding. Back on McKinley's parking lot, she had thought that she could do it alone, but in that moment she would have given anything to have Brittany next to her.<p>

She frowned when she saw both of her parents were outside the house, next to her father's car. Her frown deepened when she noticed they were packing bags in the trunk.

Bags she realized were hers.

She parked her car next to her father's, and bolted out of her seat, quickly walking towards them.

"What are you doing?" she exploded.

"Don't talk to us like that." her mother snapped.

"Santana, we need to talk to you." her father said, after putting the last bag in the trunk.

He tried to put his hand on her daughter's shoulder to guide her inside, but she shrank away from him.

"Anything you want to say you can say here."

Her mother rolled her eyes and her father sighted, muttering: "_Siempre tienes que poner las cosas más difíciles que lo que son."_

"Why did you put my bags in the car?" Santana asked, trying to stay in control of her feelings even if her voice shook in the end.

"Santana…" her father started, taking a long inspiration.

"You're going to Puerto Rico for the holidays." Her mother cut.

"_What_?"

"Don't pretend like you didn't hear, you understood exactly what I said."

"Your mother and I have decided that in order to take care of your… Let's say problem, it was better to send you to your grandmother for the holidays."

"She'll be able to put you in the right tracks again, _y es lo que necesitas ahora, Santana mía_."

"But… But I can't go there!" Santana exploded again, starting to lose the little control she still had on herself. "I have things to do here, I… I am Captain of the Cheerleaders!"

She also had planned to spend all of her holidays at Brittany's house, and she was supposed to help Puck to organize the big Fall Party he always threw during the holidays, but she knew that it wasn't something she should mention in that moment. It would only comfort her parents in their decision of sending her 3000 kilometers away from her whole life.

"I'm sure Coach Sylvester will understand where we're coming from and why we took this decision." Her mother said. "Plus the team can survive without you for two weeks, it's not like they didn't do it before. And there's this _Becky Jackson_ to take care of them during your absence."

The disdain in her mother's voice was sickening when she talked about Becky, but Santana didn't have time to think about it in that moment.

"You can't force me to go there!" she shouted, tears of anger and rage filling her eyes.

"Oh, and how so? You're not 18 yet, young lady. We are your parents, and as long as you'll live under this roof, you'll do what we want you to do." Her father growled.

And if I have to drag you by the hair for you to go there, I will."

She knew he would do it without hesitation, but that's not what frightened her the most. She wasn't frightened at the prospect of going to Puerto Rico for the holidays; she had done it before, and she had survived. Her grandmother was very conservative and close-minded, but she was almost a saint compared to her parents. What frightened her was that she knew her parents well enough to know they could just leave her there and make her finish high school in Puerto Rico; she knew they were capable to transfer her to the American high school of San Juan and make her live with her grandmother until the end of the year. No matter if it went against her dad's plans to make her go to the best university in order to become a doctor too.

What really frightened her was that if they did it, she would not see Brittany before the end of the year, more than 7 months later.

_I can't do that._

"Please…" she begged, tears falling freely on her cheeks now. "Please don't do that to me. I'll do whatever you want me to do. Just… _Please_, don't send me there."

"You know we're doing it in your interest, honey. You'll thank us when you'll be older." Her mother said, trying to put her hand on Santana's cheek in a gesture that was supposed to be reassuring and tender. But Santana yanked her hand away, and passed by them to run inside the house, tears running down her face.

"We're leaving in 10 minutes!"

They heard her bedroom door slam behind her.

* * *

><p>When Brittany's phone rang, she could barely distinguish any word between the ragged sobs of Santana.<p>

"Santana, what happened? What did they do to you?" she panicked, terrified at the prospect of what the Lopez could have done to her best friend.

"B-B-Brittany, I-I-I… They…"

She could barely breathe, and Brittany wanted nothing more than to be with her, to be able to calm her and hold her.

"San, calm down. Breathe please, honey. Breathe in, breathe out. Like this."

She was trying to keep her voice calm and steady, even if all she wanted to do was to break with her best friend. Or to panic and urge her to tell her what was wrong. But Santana needed her, and she had to be strong for both of them.

She heard Santana try to do as instructed, trying to get the air to move in her lungs again. After a few difficult breathes, Brittany calmly repeated her questions.

"Santana, what's happening?"

"They… T-T-They are sending me t-t-to Puerto R-R-Rico. T-T-Tonight."

And Santana broke down again.


	14. Puerto Rico, My Heart's Devotion

**A/N: I'm so, so sorry that I didn't post for so long... I had lots of things to take care of in my life, but it's ok now. Here, have a very long chapter to make up for it. **_**Please say you forgive me... Please. **_**I hope you like it!**

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter 14: Puerto Rico, My Heart's Devotion<strong>

Maybe in McKinley High School Santana Lopez was known for her strength, but in her father's arms she weighted nothing. No matter how much she tried kicking and crying and shouting, holding on to her desk chair for life, she could do nothing against him when he forcefully pulled her out of her bed and effortlessly lifted her onto his shoulder, taking her out of the house. The neighbors hardly paid attention anymore. Nobody wanted to get caught staring at the Lopez; it was everything but a good idea.

Santana found herself at the back of the car, all doors locked while her father started driving, ignoring her supplications. Halfway through the road to the airport, tired of hearing her protest against his decision, he shot her a warning look while telling her that if she didn't _shut the fuck up_, he wouldn't hesitate to slap her again, and make sure to leave a permanent mark this time. She calmed down, and spent the rest of the ride crying silent tears while watching the streets of Lima by the window, this city she hated but wasn't ready to leave yet.

The flight to Puerto Rico lasted 5 hours, during which Santana thought about the last few days. Everything had gone so fast that she still didn't know if it was the truth or if she was going to wake up and realize that it was all just a dream.

Last night she was in her bedroom, in Lima, unable to sleep, feeling like the world was about to crumble down her feet and let her fall into a giant hole that would swallow her entirely. This same day, she had come out to the Glee Club, who had surprisingly reacted very well to the news and been very supportive; for a moment she had thought that maybe, just maybe, she was going to be ok. That the world wouldn't fall into pieces around her, and that she could keep going on and be alright.

But here she was now, in a plane guiding her to a country she hated, and that would certainly hate her too if it knew who she really was.

She had dreamt about it so many times. Leaving the city, going away with the prospect of maybe not coming back. But not like this. Not alone. In all her dreams, Brittany was with her, all their stuffs packed at the back of her car, Lord Tubbington and Charity meowing in their two boxes in the backseat, a big one and a small one. In her dreams, she had finished high school and was going forward, to a college that would offer her great opportunities, and where Brittany could dance all she wanted and get recognition for it.

Right now she felt like she was moving backward, going to a country where she had no future, no plans, and not a single chance to be accepted for who she was. And where Brittany wouldn't be with her.

She never thought she would actually say these words someday, but that's all she could think about until the plane landed in San Juan's airport.

_Let me come back to Lima._

* * *

><p>Her grandmother was waiting for her at the airport, way behind all the families and friends who were there for the other passengers. When she saw her, she gave her granddaughter a small smile, greeted her with a gentle "Hola", put a firm hand on her shoulder and guided her to the small car parked outside. Santana was still wearing her Cheerios uniform, not having had time to change back into casual clothes after school earlier that day, and people were staring at her; but her grandmother didn't say anything. She wasn't one to talk a lot. Santana's father had inherited of that trait; she spoke rarely, but generally wisely.<p>

Mrs. Lopez senior wasn't actually _that_ terrible. Sure, she was conservative and strict – from what her father had told her, she was inflexible when he was a child – but with her granddaughter she was always a little bit softer, a little bit nicer. She hid it well in front of her son, but it was their little secret. It was actually the first time her parents let her go on holidays here alone, and she had no idea what her grandmother would be like without her son and daughter-in-law around.

Santana's parents weren't stupid enough to have told her grandmother the exact reason of her presence here. They had said that they had loosened up a little too much these last few months considering their daughter's education, being always away working at the hospital or on business trips, and that Santana needed to be put back on the right tracks. But no words had been spoken about their previous argument, or the announcement that had shaken the Lopez household up. Nothing.

Which maybe wasn't all that bad.

The road to her grandmother's house, situated on the other side of San Juan, was silent; they got out of the car without any words being spoken, and made their way into the house, carrying Santana's luggage upstairs and into her bedroom.

It was very late, and Santana had already eaten in the plane; her grandmother put the bag she was carrying on the bed, kissed her on the cheek and told her she should unpack before going to sleep.

"Nos vemos mañana, Santanita."

And then she left.

Santana dropped her bags on the floor and stared at the room she had occupied so many times before. Same old yellow bedcover and wallpaper. Same smell that ingrained everything and lingered on the clothes, a smell of mothballs, lavender and old things. Same door attached to a small private bathroom. Same window facing the tree that she could so easily use to sneak out of the house at night. Same feeling of emptiness and sadness that exuded out of the walls since her grandfather had passed out a few years ago.

She sighted, and started unpacking the bags her mother had prepared for her while she was at school.

Of course, Maria Lopez had refused for her to take her laptop. The purpose of these holidays was to cut her away from all the "_bad influences_" – translate "_all the things that made her gay_". In her mother's mind, the internet was part of it.

She had also only put simple clothes in her suitcase; no short dresses, no high heels, no jeans. Only the clothes Santana hated and always left at the bottom of her drawers.

She cursed when she realized her phone charger might have stayed in Lima. She didn't know if her mother had left it on purpose, but she was sure it was part of her plan to get her as far of her friends as she could. And she almost had no battery left on her phone.

_Fuck._

At least she still had battery on her I-pod; this would keep her busy for the long nights and days she would have to spend in this boring place.

Once her bags were all unpacked, she slipped out of her Cheerios uniform and into the pink nightdress her mother had left her; of course, she hadn't put Brittany's favorite tank top in the suitcase, the one with the ducks, nor the Lebanese shirt she used to sleep in at night when she felt weak, hoping it would give her more strength. She got into bed, sending a very quick text to Brittany in order to reassure her, before turning her phone off in order to save her battery.

"_I'm ok. These two weeks are going to be awfully long, but I'm fine. I miss you already."_

* * *

><p>That first night, she slept like she was dead, her brows furrowed, completely worn out by the previous day and night; the exhaustion caused by the stress and fear of the previous weeks took over, and she slept 20 hours in a row.<p>

Surprisingly, her grandmother didn't wake her up the next morning, and let her sleep as long as she needed to. Which was kind of weird, considering that her grandmother always woke her up at 8, saying that "_El futuro pertenece a los que se levantan temprano._"

They ate silently that night, but the silence was less oppressive than the one Santana had had to endure during the previous weeks with her parents. Her grandmother got to bed early, saying that she could watch TV if she wanted to, but not too late.

Santana sat down for a bit in the old fashioned living room, flipping through TV Channels that only broadcasted old movies in Spanish.

She was going to hate these holidays. She was bored out of her mind already.

After a third episode of _Al Borde del Deseo_, she realized that she couldn't sleep; she wasn't tired, considering the incredible amount of time she had spent sleeping that same day. She had to get out of here.

She quietly turned off the TV and came back to her bedroom; but instead of slipping into her pajamas, she put on the only decent shirt she had, as well as some black pants and the only pair of shoes that didn't look like she had just escaped from a Little _House On The Prairie_ episode.

She waited a little, in order to be sure that her grandmother was really asleep, and sneaked out of her bedroom by the window, like she had done so many times before.

The house was a little bit far from the city center, but a lot of taxis passed by a few blocks away. She called for one, and when he asked her where she was going, she asked for him to drop her in front of a bar, any bar really.

"I need to get my mind off off things" she said in her best Spanish.

She let a small cynical laugh escape her lips when she got out of the taxi and saw where he had left her. "_El Gringo_". She should really work on her accent.

She knew the bartenders in San Juan didn't really check the age of their clients, but she still had her fake ID in her back pocket.

_Just in case._

She sat down at one of the bar stools and commanded a drink, a simple vodka, while watching the people who started filling the small dance floor.

Despite the name of the bar, the population mainly consisted of young Puerto Ricans. Students who weren't on holidays yet, young workers who wanted to forget about their crappy life for a few hours, friends going out on a Saturday night, some couples and a few lonely people like her.

A boy tried to talk her into dancing, but she was not in the mood to lie.

"Sorry dude, we play on the same team."

He surprisingly didn't say anything, and left her to go and try to seduce another random girl. It was the first time she ever said it out loud to somebody she didn't know, and maybe the alcohol had something to do with that, but she felt good. She didn't know anybody here anyway.

She got herself another drink, and another. She started to feel the slight buzz of the alcohol inside her body, and her head started to spin a little. She was feeling all warm and fuzzy for the first time in a very long time.

She wanted to dance.

She got down from of her tool and got on the dance floor, forgetting her environment and her miserable life as a rush of alcohol and adrenaline kicked into her body. She felt good. She could dance. She didn't need to be doing anything else tonight.

The music was loud, and she let it wrap around her, dancing like there was no tomorrow, like there was nobody around her.

_Popping bottles in the ice…_

_No I'm feeling so fly like a G6…._

_Like a G6…_

_Like a G6…_

_N-n-n-now we feeling so fly like a G6…_

Everything was blurred, but she kept dancing. Dancing like she didn't mind that she was stuck in Puerto Rico. Dancing like she didn't mind that the girl she loved was a thousand miles away from her. Dancing like she didn't mind that her life was falling apart.

She wasn't even looking around her, dancing for herself, concentrated on her moves and on the way she swayed her hips, not realizing that there were people around. The music had changed several times while she was dancing, still in a haze. She was so far gone that she couldn't even make the name of the songs any more.

_Girl my body don't lie,_

_I'm outta my mind_

_Let it rain over me,_

_I'm rising so high_

_Out of my mind_

_So let it rain over me_

_Ay ay ay_

_Ay ay ay_

_Let it rain over me_

That's only when she lifted her head up to take a look at the dance floor – which had considerably filled up since she had started dancing – that her eyes crossed the shape of a dancing dark-haired girl in front of her. The girl was dancing… No, she was literally flying over the dance floor, letting the music govern her hips as she swayed in the most beautiful way. Santana had barely even seen such a good dancer – well, in fact she had seen a much better one, but she didn't want to think about her at this moment.

The girl turned around, and her dark eyes crossed Santana's gaze. Santana blushed, and looked away. But she was inexplicably attracted by this girl, by the way she danced, and couldn't help but glance at her again. The girl was still looking at her, her eyes never leaving the face of the blushing girl; she was coming closer, still dancing amazingly. Santana kept dancing, trying not to lose her attitude in front of the girl who might be like 4 or 5 years older than her, and exuded self-confidence. She was beautiful. Her long brown hair fell lightly over her shoulders, and her brown eyes, darker than her own, were hypnotizing.

Santana felt the alcohol rush into her head and stumbled to keep her balance, still dancing; the stranger girl caught her by the hand, offering her a seductive smile, and Santana smiled shyly.

She felt incredibly attracted by the brown-haired girl, and started dancing with her, the level of alcohol in her blood making her forget her first ignitions. She still shuddered when the girl's hand grazed her left hip; she didn't say anything, and kept moving in sync with her.

The two were dancing, not paying attention to the people dancing around them, unable to resist the attraction that seemed to draw them close to each other. They were still looking into each other's eyes, holding each other's gaze and never looking away, closer than ever. The girl's hand grazed Santana's hip again, and she closed her eyes at the sensation it send running over her body. When she opened her eyes again, the girl's face was closer than ever, and her eyes were looking at Santana's lips intently. Letting her body take control – since her brain seemed to have lost focus after all the drinks she had ingested – Santana came even closer, letting her hand rest on the girl's hip; this latter closed the distance between their faces, and before Santana could realize what was happening, she was kissing her.

It was the first girl other than Brittany that she kissed. She had kissed many boys before, but with them it had never felt like _that_.

She kept dancing with the girl, her eyes closed, revealing in this new feeling. It felt good. It was nice. But even if it felt good, the girl wasn't Brittany. And it could never be like what she felt when the blonde dancer kissed her. When Brittany kissed her, she felt like her whole body was giving up. Millions of butterflies filled her chest as soon as Brittany touched her, and her chest ached uncontrollably when she was away from her. Like now.

Whereas with this girl, it just felt good. Not just normal, or slobbery like with some of the boys, just good. And even if it was nice, it wasn't enough. She wanted Brittany.

When her best friend's face appeared in her thoughts, through the haze the alcohol had made of her mind, she violently broke away from the girl, mumbling a quick "_I'm sorry, I can't_" before running away.

She ran to the bar's bathroom, slamming the door behind her. She emptied the content of her stomach in the toilets and stayed there for a while, sitting on the dirty stales, breathing erratically.

She had thought she could do it, but she couldn't. It was too early.

During the last few years, she had succeeded in convincing herself that with boys it didn't matter, because they didn't count. That she could spend some time with Puck and come back to Brittany at the end of the night. But now… Now it was different. Now she had accepted her feelings, had let them flow over her, and it wasn't so easy at all anymore to pretend like it was ok to be with someone else than the one she really wanted. She hadn't been prepared for what had just happened.

When her breathing slowed down and became even again, she sneaked out of the bathroom and got out of the bar, paying attention not to cross the girl's path again. She couldn't talk to her.

She came back home alone that night, the beginning of a headache telling her she would have the worst hangover ever the next morning. The taxi driver didn't mind trying to talk to her, seeing that she wasn't in the mood for it.

Once at home, she rapidly and silently slipped out of her cigarette-smelling clothes, hiding them behind one of the drawers so that her grandmother wouldn't find them the next morning. She took a short shower in order to let go the last smells of alcohol from her body – her grandmother wouldn't hear her, since her bedroom was on the other side of the house – and slipped into her nightdress rapidly. She wanted to text Brittany before going to sleep, but she stayed three minutes in front of the blank page, not knowing what to write.

_I went to a party tonight._

_I kissed another girl._

_I'm drunk._

_I miss you._

_I love you._

Her phone turned off before she could even decide what to send. She wouldn't have sent anything anyway. She just couldn't.

She laid in her bed, unable to fall asleep, looking at the shadows across the ceiling.

_Only 14 more days to go._

She felt sick. And it had nothing to do with the alcohol any more.

* * *

><p><strong>AN : I know. I don't like having Santana kiss a girl that's not Brittany... It was hard for me to write, but I figured out it was a step she had to take in her long _"coming out to herself and to the others"_ process. But maybe I'm wrong. Let me know what you think :)**


	15. If You Miss Me

**A/N: ****Sorry it's been a while since the last time I updated… But don't worry, I will not give up this story before it's finished! ****I just want you to remember for this chapter that Santana and her grandmother exclusively speak Spanish when they're together. I thought it would be too heavy to put both the Spanish and translated versions though, so apart from the first sentence, all the dialogues in italics mean they're speaking Spanish. ****Hope you like this chapter!**

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter 15: If You Miss Me<strong>

The next day, Santana's grandmother was back to her old habits. She entered her bedroom at exactly 8 o'clock, opening the window and shuffling the bedcovers aside while Santana grumbled that it was too cold.

"¡Hay Santanita, levántate y vístete! ¡Nos vamos a la iglesia en 20 minutos, y no te vas a quedar aquí, cual que dices!"

_(_Tr :_ "Hay Santanita, get up and put some clothes on! We're going to the church in 20 __minutes, and you're not staying here, whatever you say!")_

And then she was gone, leaving the window open and her granddaughter laying on her stomach, shivering in the early morning air.

Santana knew her grandmother, and knew there was no way she could avoid going to the church with her, even if she felt like the world was falling on her head.

She threw her feet on the side of the bed to get up, and felt a wave of nausea wash over her as soon as she lifted her weak body to sit.

_Hangover._

She felt terrible, and wanted nothing else than to stay in bed all day long, brooding over her desperate ugly life. But she had no choice; if there was something Isabella Lopez didn't accept, it was missing Sunday's mass. Even if you were dying in your bed and feeling like your life was coming to an end.

So she got on her feet, her legs trembling and unstable under her, grabbed a sober dress and some flat shoes and got into the bathroom to get ready, taking in the sight of her tired face and her red, puffy eyes.

When she got out of the bathroom a few minutes later, her grandmother shot her an appreciative look, nodding her silent approval at her choice of clothes.

"Vamos." She simply said.

And with that they were gone.

Santana's grandmother was very invested in her church's community, and everybody knew her there. As soon as they saw them getting out of the car, everybody came to greet them, congratulating her grandmother, commenting in Spanish over how much Santana had grown up since the last time they had seen her, how beautiful she was, and how much of a nice girl she seemed to be. Santana smiled with her sweetest smile and nodded, while her grandmother talked animatedly. But inside, she was dying. Her head was pounding, her stomach felt heavy, and the Puerto Rican sunlight was blinding her.

She felt so sick that she didn't have time to worry about the fact that she was going to enter into a church for the first time since she had accepted the truth about her sexuality; she was already inside, sitting next to her grandmother on one of the wooden benches of the small church.

The priest started the office, and soon the whole church was resonating with dozens of voices singing in Latin.

Santana had been there so many times when she was young. Years ago, way before high school started, she loved going to the church with her grandmother during the holidays because it was the only place where her parents wouldn't scold her for singing.

She looked up to her grandmother, who had her eyes shut and sang with all her heart, like she always did when Santana was a child. She looked so calm. At peace with herself. The sight of her grandmother sent a wave of peace through Santana's body, for the first time since she had arrived in Puerto Rico.

So she closed her eyes, forgetting her current problems for a little while, and let the memories wash over her, bringing her 11 years behind.

* * *

><p><em>After the death of her husband, Isabella Lopez had fallen into a deep dark hole of depression and sadness. So dark that Santana's father, fearing for his mother's life, had hired a woman to take care of her and made his whole family go on holidays in Puerto Rico in order to be with her during the 2 months of summer.<em>

_During these holidays, Isabella Lopez had stayed in the living room, sitting on the couch right next to the spot her husband used to occupy; she just stared outside the window, never saying a word. But she never cried. And that might have been a part of the reason why her son was so afraid._

_Santana was very young at the time. Barely 6, she couldn't understand the length of her grandmother's sadness. She had asked her parents why her grandmother was so sad, but they had brushed away her questions, saying that it was none of her business._

_So one night during these holidays, little Santana had climbed on her grandmother's lap while her parents were cooking, ignoring the surprised sound coming out of her grandmother's lips at the feeling of the small weight settling over her body._

_Santana had looked at her grandmother with these big brown eyes of hers, and asked what nobody had asked her before._

"Abuela, why are you so sad?"

_Her grandmother had looked at her and opened her mouth in surprise, dumbfounded by the heavy-handedness and bluntness of the little girl in front of her._

_She had been tempted to look away and pretend like she hadn't heard her, but Santana was looking at her and expecting an answer. So she had slowly swallowed, and turned her head to the window._

"Santana…"

_She didn't know how to formulate the words for them to be understandable for a little girl. She had thought lengthily about it, before quietly speaking, her voice raspy after weeks of silence._

"Do you know what it means to miss someone?"

_Santana had solemnly approved._

"Mama says that when we go here on holidays and I'm sad because Brittany isn't here, it's because I miss her. She's my best friend, you know."

_Isabella Lopez had nodded, and looked at the little girl in front of her._

"Well I loved your grandfather very much, and I'm sad that he isn't here with me anymore."

_Santana had tilted her head. _"So you miss him?"

"Yeah."

"And when are you going to see him again?"

"Not before a very long time."

"Oh…"

_Santana had seemed to think for a little while, and then she had gotten off of her grandmother's lap and ran away. Isabella Lopez had raised a curious eyebrow, and shaken her head. She was going to look outside the window again, where her husband used to take care of the garden, when she had heard little footsteps running back._

_Santana had climbed onto her lap again, this time holding something in her tiny hand. She had settled into her arms, and opened the crumpled piece of paper she was holding. It was a drawing, obviously made by a kid; it represented a big red heart, and inside was drawn a stick figure waving from inside the heart. At the top of the drawing, the words "If you miss me" were written in all the colors of the rainbow._

"Here."_ Little Santana had said. _"See, Brittany made it for me. She said that if I missed her when I was away, I just had to look at the drawing to know that she was with me. Because the people you love stay in your heart, you understand? She says that if I ever forget that because I'm too sad, I can remember with the drawing."

_She had studied her grandmother's face to see if she had really understood, and when this latter had nodded, she had studied the drawing again, before handing it to her grandmother solemnly._

"It's for you. You need it more than me."

_Her grandmother had taken the drawing and looked at it again. She had seen that behind the big stick figure in the heart, there were many others, all waving at her. She had felt tears rising in her eyes for the first time since her husband's death, and wiped her eyes. Santana had looked at her with a panicked look on her face._

"But… I didn't want you to be more sad because of me!"

_She had started crying, and buried her face into her grandmother's dress. Isabella Lopez had stroked her hair clumsily, whispering soft words to her in Spanish while still crying._

"Sshhh… Don't worry, Santanita, these are good tears… These are good tears…"

_When Santana's parents had come back from the kitchen 10 minutes later, they had found Santana fast asleep in her grandmother's arms; this latter was looking at her granddaughter, tears still streaming down her face, the drawing in one of her hands._

_The next day, Isabella Lopez had gotten out of her house for the first time in more than 3 weeks, and come back to the church, taking her granddaughter with her._

_Sitting next to her on the cold benches, Santana had spent the whole mass looking at her grandmother's face. She had never seen her so at peace with herself._

_From this day, and for the 2 months she had spent here, she had always followed her grandmother to the church, just in order to see this peaceful look on her face again._

* * *

><p>More than 10 years later, Santana remembered those days and felt a rush of love and affection for her grandmother.<p>

_She must feel so lonely, here by herself._

She looked over at her grandmother, who still had her eyes closed and was singing with all her heart, and she made the promise to be as nice to her as she possibly could during the next two weeks.

They came back home just before lunch and cooked together quietly, listening to the old radio Mrs. Lopez kept on her counter. Santana settled the table, gently humming along a Spanish rendition of Christina Aguilera's _Beautiful_.

They started eating in silence, and Santana's eyes fell on a faded piece of paper stuck on the fridge, between pictures of her as a kid and lists of groceries to buy. She narrowed her eyes in order to see it better, and her heart missed a bit when she recognized the drawing Brittany had made for her one day, that she had then given her grandmother, and that was still stuck on the fridge 11 years later.

Her eyes widened and her fork stopped halfway to her mouth, which drew her grandmother's attention to her. This latter turned around to look at what Santana was staring at, and turned back again with a half-smile on her face.

"_You remember?"_

Santana nodded and looked back at her grandmother.

"_I didn't think you still had it_."

"_Oh I do, Santanita. And don't think I plan on throwing it away anytime soon."_

There was a small comfortable silence, before her grandmother started talking again.

"_Now you haven't told me the reason of your presence here."_

Santana stopped eating again, contemplating her food for a moment before looking back at her grandmother.

"_I thought dad had told you."_

"_Well I have his version, but I know better than to trust my son when it comes to my granddaughter. What really happened, Santana? I would like to hear it from you."_

Santana contemplated the question during a few seconds, not knowing what to answer. Sure, she couldn't tell her the truth. Her grandmother had her nice moments, but this wasn't something she was ready to accept. But she also deserved an answer; after all, Santana was there, in her house, due to some reasons that were still very blurred at the moment.

"_I… We had a fight."_ She finished answering, opting for a part of the truth.

"_Really? About what?"_

"_I think they… Don't like the person I've become."_

She saw her grandmother's inquisitive look, and tried to develop her thoughts without giving out too much of the story.

"_I've changed a lot during these past few years, especially these past few months. I've grown up, you know? I guess they were not prepared to see me growing up so fast, and starting to make my own decisions… These decisions can sometimes be different from the ones they would want me to make, and I don't think they've accepted that yet. They… They don't realize that I'm not their little girl anymore, and that they can't decide who I'm going to be for the rest of my life, now that I can decide for myself."_

Her grandmother nodded.

"_I see…But what if they're doing it all for you? What if all they want is for you to be happy, even if their decisions upset you for now?"_

"_Yeah I know, but… Abuela, what can you do when you want something and everybody tells you that it's wrong, that you shouldn't be making this choice, but you know deep in your heart that it's the right thing to do? What if everybody wants you to take the easier road, but the harder one is the only one that could make you happy in the end?"_

Isabella Lopez studied her granddaughter's features during several minutes. She saw the slight frown of her eyebrows, the way her lower lip trembled ever so slightly, the thin line of her nose, and the way her eyes sparkled with determination. When she spoke again, it was in a slow voice, weighing up every word she said.

"_Would you be ready to fight all the way down this harder road, even if you know how hard it's going to be?"_

Santana thought about it. Every time she had pictured the harder road, the one that would make her choose to accept her sexuality and to just go with it, she had also pictured Brittany waiting for her on the other side. But what if she fought all the way down, and Brittany wasn't waiting for her at the end of the road? The perspective was scary, and for a moment, she felt fear rise in her chest. But then she looked down the other road, the easy one, where she didn't have to fight her parents or the way people would talk about her behind her back. An easy and safe road with no fights, no shadows and no darkness all along, where she decided to hide who she was deep down into herself, and pretend to be someone entirely different in front of the rest of the world. But when she looked at the end of this road, all she saw was faceless men, along with pain and sadness and fear. She saw the pain of having to hide all the time, the obligation to pretend like she didn't care about the touches that burnt her skin and the rough hands that ripped her heart apart. No. She knew what the right choice was.

When she looked back at her grandmother, her eyes were shining with a new determination.

"_Yeah. I'm ready to fight."_

"_Then you just have to follow your heart."_ Her grandmother answered, while motioning to squeeze her shoulder in support.


	16. She's Not There

**Chapter 16 – She's Not There**

**1 Text Message From: Brittany [Sunday, 4:02am]**

San, I couldn't answer earlier because I had lost my phone. I'm glad you're ok, even if I'm really sad that you're gone. You know, I ran to your house as fast as I could after you called me but it was too late. Your mom told me you had already left, and that I didn't need to come back because you wouldn't be there. I can't believe I couldn't save you. I can't believe they would send you there. The way you talk about it, it sounds like they shipped you to Guantanamo or something. Is Puerto Rico next to Guantanamo? I don't want you to go to jail, San. I don't know what I would do without you.

We ate the pancakes but it wasn't the same without you. Dad was trying to say bad jokes to cheer me up, but it didn't work. He was trying very hard though so I tried to laugh, but I think he saw it wasn't real. Wendy kept asking where you were, so eventually Mom had to tell her that we wouldn't see you for the next two weeks. Wendy cried, and I cried too.

That was a very long message.

I miss you so much already, San. I hope you'll come back. I don't think I can live without you and sometimes I wonder if you even know that.

* * *

><p><strong>1 Text Message From: Quinn [Sunday, 3:56pm]<strong>

B told me about what happened on Friday night with your parents. It really sucks, S. Are you ok? Does your grandmother know about you?

Don't worry, I'll take care of Brittany while you're not there. But please, come back. Lima is just not as snarky and fun when you're not around to hang out with.

* * *

><p><strong>1 Text Message From: Puckerman [Sunday, 7:37pm]<strong>

what the fuck Lopez ? where are u? U had to help me organizing the Big Fall Party today, u can't fail me now! I thought u were supposed to bring the tequila!

* * *

><p><strong>1 Text Message From: Brittany [Monday, 3:48am]<strong>

You didn't answer to my last message, are you ok? I just came back from Puck's Big Fall Party, but it was just so wrong to be there without you. Some random guy tried to kiss me, and he just wouldn't let go when I told him to leave me alone. But Quinn put her crazy face on and told him to fuck off. She looked really frightening. Do you think Quinn is crazy? I don't want her to be. I think I'm still a little bit drunk. Or maybe a lot. I drank too much in order to forget that you weren't there, but then I felt even sadder. I didn't think alcohol could make you sad, usually it only makes me happy. But then I didn't remember where my house was, so Quinn drove me back home and she stayed with me because she said she didn't want to leave me alone, since Mom and Dad had to take Wendy to her dance competition in Chicago and aren't there this week-end. She's being so nice with me, it's like we're back to being friends like before she got pregnant… Except that you're not here. Now she's on my bed and she's writing a very long message, maybe she's writing to Puck? Or to Beth, but that would be stupid because I don't think Beth has a phone. Whoa, I feel really high. If you were here we could have sweet lady kisses, right? It's been so long since the last time you let me kiss you San, and I miss it. I miss you.

Please come back to me.

* * *

><p><strong>1 Text Message From: Quinn [Monday, 3:53am]<strong>

Wow Santana, you need to come back. Puck's party was a mess. Hopefully I didn't drink, because I don't know what would have happened if I had. There were tons of stupid jocks who were too drunk to even remember their names, I can only let you assume how it goes from here. Plus you know how Brittany gets when she's drunk… But it's ok. Everyone's ok. I took care of Britt, and Mike was keeping an eye on us and Tina. But remind me not to ever go to one of Puck's Big Parties again. I want to get into Yale alive.

I'm at Brittany's place now because I didn't want to leave her alone. See, I told you I would take care of her, S. I keep my promises. But damn, I had forgotten all the random things B could say when she's drunk. It's like she's back to playing dumb so that people would leave her alone, you know? Like in Sophomore year. She's very concentrated on her phone right now, I bet she's writing to you. What are you doing? Did you spend your weekend watching old episodes of "Yo Sé Que Mentia"? I don't know, I've heard it was pretty famous in Puerto Rico at some point.

I can't wait till you come back here and everything becomes normal again. I hope at least your grandmother treats you well, and that you're ok.

Oh and now Britt has fallen asleep on my lap. I bet she thinks I'm you. Don't worry though, I won't act on it. I'm not THAT INTO THAT. Joking. I might be a little high… I think people smoked more than just cigarettes at the party, and you know how fast it can get to me even if I don't smoke.

We miss you S. Come back. Or at least answer us.

* * *

><p><strong>1 Text Message From: Dwarf Berry [Monday, 8:30pm]<strong>

Hi everybody! I for once think we should use the incredible amount of time offered to us during these holidays to practice for Nationals. My place, today, 2pm. No need to bring your set lists, I have everything planned.

* * *

><p><strong>1 Text Message From: Tina [Monday, 5:17pm]<strong>

Hi Santana, I've heard that you had to go to Puerto Rico. I'm so sorry we couldn't do all that we had planned… Still up for a movie night when you come back thought?

* * *

><p><strong>1 Text Message From: Brittany [Monday, 6:39pm]<strong>

Rachel got crazy at rehearsal today. She was insane. It's like she didn't even care that we all partied all night long last night, and most of us are still hangover.

I felt so bad today. I'm not even sure if it's only about the alcohol, or because I miss you so much.

* * *

><p><strong>1 Text Message From: Kurt [Monday, 9:00pm]<strong>

Wow, when your parents do something they really go for it. I mean shipping you to Puerto Rico? They must really be the most anti-gay people I've ever heard about. I hope you're doing ok. I never had the chance to tell you how brave it was for you to step up and come out to the Glee Club. I'm proud of you, and I support you all the way. And about your parents, maybe I could get my dad to talk to them if you want to? I won't do anything without your agreement though, don't worry. But I think it could be really good if he at least tried to reason them. Think about it.

* * *

><p><strong>1 Text Message From: Dwarf Berry [Tuesday, 6:45am]<strong>

Santana, I'm very disappointed that you didn't show up to practice yesterday. While I understand that you are going through an important struggle right now, I thought you at least would have had the obligation to warn us about your absence. I want you to know that I had planned an amazing Pezberry duet for our next competition.

* * *

><p><strong>1 Text Message From: Fetus Face [Tuesday, 11:31am]<strong>

Rachel was really mad that you didn't show up yesterday. You could try not failing us sometimes.

* * *

><p><strong>1 Text Message From: Dwarf Berry [Wednesday, 4:11pm]<strong>

I've heard your parents sent you to Puerto Rico. I'm sorry for my last message, I guess I didn't listen to Brittany when she told us why you weren't here. I thought she was still drunk and making fake excuses for you not being here… I'm sorry. I hope everything is ok.

* * *

><p><strong>1 Text Message From: Brittany [Thursday, 3:45pm]<strong>

San, where are you?

* * *

><p><strong>1 Text Message From: Brittany [Thursday, 3:51pm]<strong>

That was a silly question, I know where you are. But why don't you answer? And why does your phone go straight to the voicemail each time I try to call?

* * *

><p><strong>1 Text Message From: Puckerman [Saturday, 11:33]<strong>

Lopez, are u ok? people say u don't answer any of their texts, and we're starting to get worried about u. were u kidnapped by a hoard of crazy lesbians or something? Joking. That would be hot tho.

But seriously, were are u?

* * *

><p><strong>1 Text Message From: Brittany [Sunday, 3:45am]<strong>

Ar uoy avoidin mee?

* * *

><p><strong>1 Text Message From: Quinn [Sunday, 1:05pm]<strong>

Santana, Brittany is a mess. I don't care that you don't answer to any of my messages, but you could at least answer her. What's wrong with you?

* * *

><p><strong>1 Text Message From: Brittany [Monday, 11:27am]<strong>

Sorry about the last message, I took all the meds in my mom's cabinet because I thought it would make me forget that you weren't here. Quinn yelled that I was crazy, and she refused to leave me alone after that. But I'm really worried about you, San.

* * *

><p><strong>1 Text Message From: Wheezy [Tuesday, 4:15pm]<strong>

Hey Satan, I know you're not available at the moment, but how about we start working on a new mash-up together when you come back? Already have the songs. Daydreamer and Hometown Glory. That's right girl, no one can pull off some Adele as well as the two of us. Are you in?

* * *

><p><strong>1 Text Message From: Brittany [Wednesday, 6:26pm]<strong>

I got worried that you didn't answer any of my messages, so I went to your house and asked your parents about you. Your mom said that she had talked to you, and that you were fine. She also said that you didn't want to talk to me. Is it true San? I miss you anyway.

* * *

><p><strong>1 Text Message From: Quinn [Thursday, 7:47am]<strong>

Santana, it's not funny anymore. You're really scaring me right now. Please, please answer.

* * *

><p><strong>1 Text Message From: Brittany [Friday, 9:50pm]<strong>

I guess your mother was right.

* * *

><p><strong>AN: Again, I'm sorry it took me so long to update... I've just moved to the USA so I've been pretty busy, but now that I'm settled I'll be able to update more often!**

**I wasn't sure about this chapter because it's really different from the rest of the story, but I thought it was important to see what happened in Lima while Santana was in Puerto Rico... Did you like it? Please tell me what you think!**


	17. Smart In A Stupid Way

**A/N: I'm so, so sorry. Has it really been two months since the last chapter I posted? I couldn't apologize enough... But I finally overcame my writer's block, and as an apology, this is the longest chapter I've ever written. Also Brittana. And Quintana friendship.**

**Can you forgive me? Are you still here? Hello?**

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter 17: Smart in a Stupid Way<strong>

Santana was surprisingly back in Lima 10 days later; her plane landed early on Monday morning, and her father dropped her at school in the same Cheerio uniform she had left the city with 2 weeks before.

She supposed Sue Sylvester must have something to do with her comeback, since she heard her father grumble something about a "_Stupid Cheerleader coach and her damn methods, I'm sure it's not even legal." _She turned her face towards the window so that he wouldn't see the faint smile that appeared on her face.

They didn't talk during the 2 hours draft, but he at least let her charge her phone on the cigar lighter, and she winced when she read all the texts she had missed during her trip. Brittany's ones were the most painful to read, and she immediately tried to call her; but the other girl's phone was off and her call went straight to the voicemail. She frowned. She really needed to talk to Brittany, but there was no way she could leave a voicemail with her dad right next to her in the car, so she settled for a quick text.

**To: Brittany [6:46am]**

**Britt, I'm so sorry. My phone got turned off and I just read your messages… I need to talk to you.**

She thought for a moment, before sending another message.

**To: Brittany [6:49am]**

**I missed you. Please call me back whenever you can.**

She didn't really want to deal with her other messages for now, but she decided that the others deserved to know that she was back, at least if she wanted to avoid a few dramatic comeback scenes in the hallway that day. She decided to send them a group text, separating Quinn's answer from the others.

**To: Glee [7:01am]**

**{Send to the entire list} {apart from: Brittany; Quinn} **

**My phone got turned off, I just got all of your messages. I'm fine. I'll be back today. Puckerman, sorry about the Big Fall Party. Berry, I want my solo for Nationals. Tina, I'm definitely in! Mercedes, **_**"**_**Round my hometown, Oh the people I've met, Are the wonders of my world…" YES! Kurt, thank you; we'll talk about it later. I hate to say it but I kind of missed all your loser faces... See you later :)**

**To: Quinn [7:05am]**

**Q, I'm so sorry for everything. I'm fine, I just didn't have any way to warn you. I could never thank you enough for doing what you did; I need to talk to you. Try to pass by tonight? And if you see Brittany, tell her I need to talk to her as soon as possible.**

She tried to call Brittany a second time, but her phone went straight to the voicemail again. She sighted, unable to do more for now, and settled back into her seat, looking out the window at this city she hated but that she had missed so much.

* * *

><p>Her father dropped her at school just in time for classes, only mumbling a quick "I'll pick you up right after school, don't be late". She just had time to see Brittany's car parked in the parking lot, before she had to run to her locker to get her books and get into class just as the bell rang, winning a displeased look from her teacher.<p>

She didn't really pay attention to the class, her mind racing around one specific thought: Brittany. She desperately needed to see her, and talk to her about the past two weeks. As quickly as possible. These texts were frightening her; Brittany needed her, and she needed to see Brittany.

_Why isn't her phone on? _

The class lasted what seemed like hours, and then she was finally free. She had 10 minutes before her next class so she quickly made her way to her locker, hoping that she could meet Brittany there like every Monday; but her best friend wasn't there. She kept walking, quickly, thinking about a list of places where Brittany could be, and places where she used to hide when someone had been particularly harsh to her. She checked them all, never slowing down her pace, looking over every place without finding a clue about where the blonde girl could be. She crossed Rachel's path, who apparently wanted to give her a warm "_Welcome back to the USA_" performance, but she dismissed her with a quick "I don't have time Berry, have you seen Brittany?" Rachel closed her mouth and stuttered that she hadn't, and Kurt piped in from behind her "She wasn't in History this morning, if that can help." Santana gave him a quick thank you nod and left, composing Brittany's number again on her phone. But she only got the voicemail, again.

Her second period class was about to start, and she knew she couldn't miss it; her father had been very clear that if anything happened, she was going back to Puerto Rico right away. Whatever Coach Sylvester thought about it.

Talking about Sue Sylverster, she crossed her path in the hallways and was surprised when her coach slapped her on the shoulder with a "Good to see you're back, Dolly Parton. I hate to say that, but the Cheerios need your ginormous sandbags to win the National Championship. Practice is tomorrow at 5am."

At least some things hadn't changed.

The bell rang and she had to run back to class. Maybe she would have more luck at lunch.

* * *

><p>When the bell finally announced lunch break, Santana took place next to the cafeteria entrance in order not to miss Brittany if she decided to show up, carefully eying every blonde Cheerio that passed the door and stopping a bunch of people along the way to ask if they had seen Brittany. None of them had.<p>

She was so concentrated on the task at hand that she didn't hear the light footsteps coming up behind her, until a soft voice startled her.

"Santana, you won't find her."

She quickly turned around, and found herself face to face with one of her best friends, hazel eyes boring into hers, her brows furrowed in concern.

Santana was torn between the relief of finally seeing Quinn, and the fear that crept up in her stomach at her words. She wasn't sure if she had heard her well or if it was just her imagination.

"What did you just say?"

"I said you wouldn't find her." Quinn repeated, trying to reach out to her, but Santana pushed her away.

"What? What do you know Quinn? Stop being so fucking cryptic and just tell me where she is."

"She doesn't want to see you, S".

Santana's heart dropped, and when she talked again her voice had lost all her anger. She only sounded incredibly scared.

"Wh… What do you mean?"

"Santana…" Quinn sighted.

She stopped talking, checked her surroundings and decided that the cafeteria wasn't the safest place to talk about what was happening. She grabbed Santana's arm and guided her out of the cafeteria, through the hallways and into the choir room; Santana surprisingly didn't oppose any resistance, as if Quinn's words had taken all the fight out of her. Quinn locked the door behind them and checked the room to make sure that no one had decided to rehearse during their lunch break.

She turned back to see Santana staring at her, waiting for her to explain what was happening, and walked to the piano to sit on top of it, gesturing for Santana to come sit next to her; her friend reluctantly obeyed and hoped up on the piano, waiting for Quinn to talk but too scared to ask.

"The three of us have had a pretty tough beginning of year, uh?" the blonde girl finally said, breaking the silence. "It's funny how it brought us back together, in a way. The Unholy Trinity. Starting together, ending together, right?"

"Quinn…"

"I know. It's not what you want to talk about. But it's somehow incredibly linked… You know why? Because we're all suffering, but we barely ever show it."

Santana didn't answer, thinking about Quinn's words. The other girl kept talking, unruffled.

"I know you're suffering because you've let me see small parts of it. What you're going through is too big for you to go fight by yourself, so for the first time in your life you actually accept to show a tiny bit of weakness and ask for help. But I bet, no I know, that what you show us is only a very small part of how you feel and the battles you're fighting."

Santana nodded, starting to see the point.

"And I know you're suffering because you let me see it too." Santana said quietly. "But Britt…"

"Exactly. Brittany doesn't show anything. She's here, she supports each and every one of us without ever asking for anything in return, and then she keeps quiet about how it makes her feel. Do you really think it's easy for her to see you go through what you're going through right now?"

"No…" Santana whispered, lowering her eyes.

"And this is not your fault at all S, let's be clear on that. She's always been so supportive of you and me, but somehow this world is too harsh on her. She's not armed to face the things we've all been going through, and the problem is that she won't ask for help. You know it better than anyone else. And it was ok until now because you were always there, somewhere, to be there and to help her even when she didn't ask for it; you were her roc, her anchor, her light in the storm, and when you left two weeks ago her whole world was turned upside down. Your parents sent you to Puerto Rico and… She lost it. I think the worst part of it all was not knowing, not knowing if you were ok, if you would come back, if this was the end of everything or if it was just temporary and things would soon be back to normal."

Santana took a deep breath, remembering the texts she had read in the morning, and starting to see what Quinn was trying to tell her.

"Is she ok?" she asked in a small voice.

"I don't know." Quinn answered in all honesty. "She won't talk to me."

She stared at the empty range of chairs in the back of the room, where they would all sit later that night to listen to the last few songs for the mash up assignment. And suddenly she reached for Santana's hand and started talking again, as if she needed to free herself of something. Her voice was low and her words rushed, as if talking faster and in a hushed tone could make her words less powerful and the events not as harsh as they really were.

"You don't know how it was, Santana. I came to see how she was doing because her parents had to go out of town again and they asked me to take care of her, and I… I found her sitting in the corner of the bathroom, and she was so pale, and her eyes were unfocused... I swear, I had never seen her like this." She stopped speaking, taking in a deep shaky breath before going on with her story, gripping on Santana's hand a little tighter. "There were all these discarded bottles and prescription boxes around her, all empty, and I freaked out. I yelled at her that she was crazy, that she was going to kill herself, and I just flung to her and forced her to vomit everything. It's only a long while after, while she was sobbing in my arms and telling me that she hadn't had time to tell you how much she needed you before you left, that I realized that she had only swallowed pills for stomachache and headaches, and that the only thing it could have caused her was a big long nap. She just wanted to forget and to stop hurting for a little while. I know she would have never done anything like _that_… But I was so scared."

There was a silence, before her eyes regained focus and she looked back at Santana, who was now listening with her eyes wide, tears starting to form in them.

"She loves you so much. And I think it's hard for her to show it now, after all you've both been through. She doesn't want to invade your personal space, she doesn't want to push you or pressure you like she knows she did last year. She wants to give you space because she knows you need to do this on your own, but she needs you. And she loves you so much that it hurts her inside."

"I love her so much too, Q." Santana said in a strangled voice. Quinn wasn't sure if she had ever heard her say it out loud before.

"I know you do."

Quinn was not prepared for what happened next. Santana turned to her and launched her arms around her, pulling her close into a bone-crushing hug. She was surprised at first, but then wrapped her arms around her friend, needing the comfort as much as the other girl.

"Thank you." Santana whispered into her hair.

"For what?" Quinn answered in a choked laugh.

"For everything." Santana wanted to say more but the words stayed stuck in her throat.

_For being there for me even though I'm a bitch. For supporting us all the time, even thought your faith could make you believe that you shouldn't. For being there for Brittany when I couldn't. For being such a great friend._

Quinn emitted a small sob, and Santana realized that her friend was finally releasing all the pressure she had been accumulating during her absence.

"Don't tell anyone, but I'm so glad you're back." Quinn laughed, trying to stop her nervous cries.

Santana laughed, and stopped holding back her tears. Crying was a release that they both desperately needed; and in that moment, none of them needed to pretend to be strong any more. They were just two teenagers who were lost and scared, and who needed someone to be there, without pretending that everything would be fine. And it was ok for now.

When they finally broke apart, Santana looked at Quinn and gave her a sad smile.

"So what do we do now?"

"About Brittany? I don't know." Quinn answered honestly. "On one side I think you should give her time, she'll come back eventually. But on the other end… You definitely need to talk to her."

"Very helpful Fabray." Santana groaned.

"Well, give her until the end of classes. And try to go talk to her tonight maybe? Unless…. Unless you're still grounded."

"Did it ever stop me before?"

"I know it didn't."

The bell rang and they both got back on their feet, wiping the remaining of tears from their eyes. Santana was about to open the door of the choir room when she turned around and looked back at Quinn, a concerned look on her face.

"How are you doing Quinn? I mean, we always talk about me but you never talk about what you're going through… You now I'm here if you need anything, right?"

Quinn smiled sadly.

"I'm doing better. Some days are good and some days are not, but… I'm ok for now."

"Are you sure?"

"Take care of Brittany and we'll talk about me later, ok? She needs you more than I do."

Santana felt the need to argue, but Quinn opened the door for her and pushed her outside.

"Now let's go, we're gonna be late."

* * *

><p>The rest of the day passed by very slowly, too slowly really, and then it was finally time for Glee. Quinn and Santana had their last class together with Kurt, and they made their way to the choir room together, taking their sits as the room filled up. Everybody wanted to talk to Santana, to make sure she was ok and fill her up with what she had missed during the holidays; she tried to listen to them but her mind kept wandering elsewhere. Of course Brittany wasn't there. She shuddered when she realized it would probably be the first time she would be in this room with the whole class but without her.<p>

Mr Schue entered the room , giving them the usual speech about "_I hope you had great holidays and so on, now let's get back to work_."

He said they still had 3 persons to go for the assignment before they could move on to something else, and as he was about to pick the next person to go, the door opened on a disheveled Brittany.

"I… I'm sorry I'm late…"

Santana's heart stopped. Brittany looked tired, exhausted even, dark circles under her bright blue eyes and her skin as pale as a ghost. Somehow she avoided looking at anyone but Mr Schuester, and she didn't seem to realize that Santana was right in front of her.

_This is all my fault._

"Well, take a seat, we were just getting started with the assignment from before the holidays."

"Actually… Can I go first? I still haven't sung my song and I feel like if I don't do it right now, I might never have the strength to do it." She talked quickly, in a rush, in a way that didn't feel like Brittany. Santana frowned, desperately trying to catch the blonde's eyes. But Brittany was definitely ignoring the rest of the club, staring at the floor when she wasn't looking at Mr Schue.

"Y… Yeah, it's a great idea Brittany. Go on!"

Brittany finally looked up and her eyes widened when she saw Santana sitting in the chair right in front of her, between Quinn and Tina. She looked at her with a desperate yet inscrutable look, a look Santana had never seen on her face; but before she could say or do anything, Brittany turned around and walked to the piano, dropping her bag next to it and handing Brad a few sheets of paper. The piano man read the title and nodded with what looked like a sad look, but you were never sure with him.

Brittany took place in front of the whole Glee Club, turning to Mr Schue to give a small introduction to her song.

"I decided to sing about a very personal feeling that I have. And In order to follow the assignment, I decided not to dance. This is not a moving mash up, I'm sorry. I hope you like it anyway."

Mr Schue nodded, and told her to go ahead when she would be ready. She gave a small sign to Brad, and the musician started playing.

And when Brittany's voice raised up, she raised her head and looked at the Glee Club members with a heartbreak they had never seen on her face before.

_I'm not like them_

_But I can pretend_

_The sun is gone,_

_But I have a light_

_The day is done,_

_I think I'm dumb_

There was a collective gasp in the audience at the words, and Mr Schue opened his mouth to interrupt her. But Quinn shot him her crazy I'm-gonna-kill-you-if-you-interrupt-her-right-now look, and he shut his mouth, waiting for the remaining of the song.

When the next verse of the song started, Brittany's eyes fell on Santana, and she sang the next four lines to her, never breaking eye contact.

_And this is the price that you pay_

_For being smart in a stupid way_

_You stand there staring while your lover walks away_

_Being smart, in a stupid way_

Santana's heart was beating too fast, her breathing catching in her throat. She wanted to interrupt Brittany, get on her feet and pull her into a hug, hold her and tell her that she would never ever leave again, but she knew she had to let her finish the song. Just like Brittany had let her finish her song when she had come out to the Glee Club before the holidays. It was something Brittany had to do on her own, and she didn't have the right to interrupt her.

Brittany finally broke eye contact with her, looking past the Glee Club members as she kept singing, her voice strong and unwavering.

_My heart is broke_

_But I have some glue,_

_The doors they close like eyelids_

_The train just pulled away_

_Sometimes I smell the perfume that she was wearing that day_

_And I wonder if there's anyone that I'll ever love in any way_

_Maybe I'll grow up and be good someday_

_Maybe this pain I feel will go away_

_I'm not like them_

_But I can pretend_

_The sun is gone,_

_But I have a light_

_The day is done,_

_I think I'm dumb_

Mr Schuester and the other students were silent, shocked. Brittany, the happy bubbly girl who was always so happy about everything, was singing a song about being heart-broken. A song about being stupid, since that's the only way most of the people ever saw her. She had never been so open about her feelings in front of anyone in the Club before, and it scared them. It didn't feel like Brittany any more.

They looked at her with different degrees of sadness or surprise written on their faces, trying to understand what might have happened for her downfall to happen so fast. Mike was holding a sniffling Tina as Rachel's mouth was wide open and tears were streaming down her face. Kurt tried to catch Quinn's eyes, but this latter kept her eyes fixed on Brittany, a painful knowledge shining in her eyes, as she clung to Santana's hand.

_And this is the price that you pay_

_For being smart in a stupid way_

_You stand there staring while your lover walks away_

_Being smart, in a stupid way_

_So why is my heart so hollow_

_Why are my dreams so shallow_

_And why don't I ever have anything else to say_

_And why is my love so far away_

_The sun is gone_

_The day is done_

_And this is the price that you pay_

_For being smart in a stupid way_

_You stand there staring while your lover walks away_

_Being smart, in a stupid way._

After singing the last sentence of the song, and before Brad even finished playing, Brittany flung to the door and ran outside. It took everybody in the room a second to react as they were still stunned by what had just happened, while Santana jumped on her feet to follow Brittany.

"Brittany, wait!"

But Brittany had longer legs, and she ran faster, and when Santana got into the hallway the blonde Cheerio had already disappeared at the other end.

The other members joined Santana at the door, having regained consciousness, and started commenting on what they had just witnessed. Santana just looked at the end of the hallway where Brittany had disappeared, replaying the song in her head without listening to the other's comments.

"That was some deep shit, man" Puck said.

"I had never seen Brittany get so much into the deepness of a song, I have to say I'm amazed." Rachel said, dramatically wiping a tear with a tissue.

"Do you… Do you think it has something to do with me?" Artie asked, unsure.

"Come on Artie, this was last year. You know she's moved on." Mercedes piped in.

"Maybe we should try to find her?" Mike asked.

"I don't know, I don't think she wants to be found." Kurt said.

"Santana, are you ok?" Mr Schue asked, putting a hand on her shoulder.

"Don't touch me." She spat, yanking his hand away and getting out of her haze.

She started walking down the empty hallway, not even looking back, not knowing what to do or where to go. The first practice after the holidays was always a lot shorter, so Glee Club was almost over anyway; Mr Schue wouldn't say anything. She heard light footsteps running to join her, and seconds later Quinn was by her side, carrying her bag as well as Brittany's.

"You forgot that in the choir room."

Santana silently nodded. They walked through the school together, checking every room just in case, but knowing all of them would be empty. There was no sight of Brittany anywhere. When they arrived in front of the school and noticed that Brittany's car wasn't on the parking lot anymore, Quinn quietly grabbed her phone in her pocket and dialed the Pierce's house phone number.

"Hi, Mrs Pierce? This is Quinn. Brittany left the school early and she looked upset. I just wanted to make sure that she made it home safely."

There was a silence while Quinn listened intently to the person on the other end of the phone, before she started talking again.

"Good. Yeah, Santana is with me. Sure, you know I'm always here. Just make sure to tell her that we love her. Thanks, have a good night Mrs Pierce."

She hung up, and turned to Santana.

"She arrived 2 minutes ago and locked herself into her bedroom. She doesn't want to talk to them for now, but she's home."

Santana nodded again, silent. She was still trying to process the events, and didn't know what to do. She had never felt that lost.

"Do you need a ride home or…"

Quinn was interrupted as Mr Lopez's car pulled into the parking lot and stopped in front of them.

"No thanks. I should go, but I'll call you later, ok?"

"Ok."

She took a step forward and held Santana close before letting her go and handing her the two bags, Brittany's and hers.

"Good luck S."

"Thanks Q. See you."

* * *

><p>That night, in the Lopez household, Santana's parents didn't talk to her. Her grandmother had apparently given them an extremely positive feedback, but it wasn't enough to make them lose their guard; they spent the evening eyeing her warily, ready to send her back to Puerto Rico if she showed any sign of rebellion or "<em>disgusting tendencies<em>".

But Santana was too preoccupied to care. All her thoughts were directed to Brittany and what she could tell her when she would see her. And this song… She couldn't get the song out of her head. So that's what Brittany thought about herself? She knew how insecure she was about all this, about her intelligence and the different way she saw the world, but she never thought it could eat her inside so much. The worst part was thinking that Brittany thought she wasn't smart enough for Santana, and that she believed it was the reason why her friend had walked away from her. It killed her that Brittany could even think that, when the blonde was the smartest girl she knew. When she loved her more than anything. When she ached to be with her, but didn't know how to. Would things ever get better?

When her parents dismissed her and she was finally allowed to go to bed, she closed to door behind her and exhaled deeply. Her eyes fell on the two bags in the corner of the room, hers and Brittany's, and her decision was made.

* * *

><p>Later that night, Santana used the spare key she hadn't used for a very long time to make her way into Brittany's house. When she slowly stepped into her best friend's bedroom, her heart broke at the sight of the broken blonde girl curled into a ball on the left side of her bed. Brittany was sleeping, her brow furrowed and a pained expression painted on her face. Santana quietly put the bag she had carried with her next to the desk before slipping into Brittany's bed, wrapping her arms carefully around her so as not to wake her. She softly kissed her temple and tried to let her body relax, taking in the scent of Brittany's hair against her.<p>

_It's ok. We'll talk tomorrow. If she wakes up during the night she'll know I'm here and that's better than nothing. Right? Waking her up right now wouldn't change anything.__At least I can make sure she's ok now…_

She listened to Brittany's ragged breath, punctuated by a few spaced soft remaining of sobs. She wondered if she was dreaming, and what she was dreaming about. Finally, after countless minutes holding Brittany, exhaustion finally took over and she gave up, falling asleep in Brittany's bed. After all, she had been awake since taking off from Puerto Rico, more than 20 hours ago.

* * *

><p>She woke up later to the feeling of the warm body pressed against hers shaking with silent sobs. It looked like one of those nights when Brittany had nightmares and woke up in the middle of the night, shaking and crying, not knowing where the dream ended and the reality started. Santana propped up on one elbow and saw that Brittany was staring at the ceiling, blue eyes shining with unshed tears under the moonlight that passed through the curtains, desperately trying to avoid her gaze.<p>

Instinct taking control over her exhausted body, Santana engulfed Brittany into a hug and held her even closer. Brittany shuddered against her but snuggled closer, gripping her shirt and trying to sink into her body.

"Are you really back?" Brittany whimpered into her shirt. "Or am I dreaming again?" Her voice sounded broken, the words barely whispered as if she was forbidding herself to believe that this was the reality.

Santana wanted to kiss her, show her how real she was, make her feel that she was there and that she would never leave her. But now wasn't the right moment for it; they still had a lot of explaining to do, and doing that would only make things more complicated. She knew it.

"Yeah. And I'm never leaving you again."

Now was not the time to talk more either. Now was not the time to explain. Now was just the time to silently be here and offer the comfort she knew Brittany desperately needed. So she held her as she cried, whispering soft words just as Brittany had done for her the night her parents had rejected her, about a month ago.

The song kept playing in her head, Brittany's broken voice haunting her thoughts as she held her. _And this is the price that you pay, For being smart in a stupid way, You stand there staring while your lover walks away, Being smart, in a stupid way…_

When Brittany's sobs calmed down and her breathing became almost even, Santana leaned in to kiss her temple again.

"I would never walk away from you willingly."

Brittany didn't answer, but her grip tightened against Santana's shirt and she nuzzled into her neck, like she had so many times before, before everything got messed up.

There would be plenty of time for them to talk the next day.

And it was ok, at least for now.

* * *

><p><strong>AN: I hope you liked it, I had a lot of troubles writing this... One last thing: I would really need your feedback on this chapter, as it was very difficult for me to write. Do you think Brittany is out of character? Is it going too fast sometimes? Be honest, some constructive criticism won't hurt me!**

**Could you do that for me? Even one or two words would make me utterly happy. ****Thank you for sticking up with me, you're all awesome!**


	18. Meet Me By The Swings

**Chapter 18: Meet Me By The Swings**

When Brittany was woken up the next day by the sound of her alarm clock, at 4:30 in the morning – damn cheerleading practice – the other side of the bed was empty and cold. Either Santana was gone again, or everything had just been a dream.

She felt the now familiar sting of tears rising up and held up her right hand to wipe her eyes, and only then realized that a pink stick note was stuck on her hand, hastily written in a messy handwriting.

_Britt, _

_I'm so sorry I had to leave early, I didn't want to wake you up. I tried, but you were so tired. My parents don't know I was here, and they would get really mad if they realized I sneaked out last night… I'm really sorry about everything. Meet me by the swings tonight at the park, so we can talk? I should be there around 11pm._

_I missed you so much. I'm sorry._

_Love,_

_Santana._

_PS: See you in Cheerios practice._

Brittany's lips curled into a tiny, tiny smile, the first one since Santana had left for Puerto Rico two weeks ago, and slipped out of her bed to get dressed. Maybe things would get better after all.

* * *

><p>Mr Lopez insisted on driving Santana to school, even thought he spent the entire drive complaining about how the sun wasn't even up yet, and how cold it was. Santana didn't say anything but took it as a small victory, thanking Sue Sylvester for being able to scare even her dad. But then she remembered that the woman would probably make them run outside this morning, even thought the air was so cold that they would probably just turn to ice on the spot, and then she wasn't so thankful anymore.<p>

She made her way into the locker room, greeting a few other Cheerios who were already there, and settled next to one of the lockers, starting to get ready for practice.

Brittany arrived about 5 minutes after her, stopping at the door to take a look at the room, as if she were looking for someone. She saw Santana and gave her a shy smile, making her way into the room and dropping her duffel bag next to hers.

"Hey." She said.

"Hey." Santana answered, suddenly shy. How long had it been since they had last acted casual around each other?

Brittany seemed to be fidgeting, unsure, and then she finally took a step forward and hugged Santana. Surprised, Santana hugged her back, relieving in the long lost feeling of hugging the girl she loved.

"I've missed you so much." Brittany whispered in her hair. "But we still need to talk."

They broke apart and Santana was about to say something, when their coach slammed the door open and started yelling.

"Come on, lazy asses, it's 4:58! You should already be outside running laps! I don't know why I even bother with you all…"

All the cheerleaders hastily made their way outside, their heads lowered as they passed in front of their coach, and Brittany and Santana didn't have any other choice than to follow them, walking close to each other, before Coach Sylvester stopped Santana at the door.

"Lopez, stay here a minute. We need to talk."

Brittany gave her a worried look, but the coach closed the door between them both, after yelling at the other cheerleaders to start running.

Sue Sylvester turned to Santana, her arms crossed over her chest, her eyes almost soft.

"I recently learnt from one of my numerous spies about what happened to you, and even if I would rather be dead than start caring about you damn teenagers, I just want to make sure that your Sapphic orientation isn't causing you too much trouble. So I'm gonna ask this only once, Sandbags. Are you ok?"

Santana's eyes widened in terror and her mouth gaped.

_Sue knows._

There was no coming back and she knew it. How was she not dead already? How had Sue not torn off her uniform and ripped her head off yet? In the back of her mind she knew that Sue had something to do with her being back in Lima, but she had thought that maybe she didn't know the reason why her parents had shipped her off, that maybe she thought they were just crazy Latinos who had decided to get rid of their daughter or something. She hadn't thought Sue might actually know the real reason why she was gone, and now she was too caught up in her own fear to realize that Sue didn't seem to be reacting that bad to the news, and was even asking her if she was ok.

Sue Sylvester caught the fearful look in her head cheerleader's eyes, and chuckled.

"Don't act so surprised, Mary Gonzalez, I've known about you and Brittany since the day you first set a foot on my field for the try outs. You would need to be blind not to see it, but apparently most of the people at this school are. And you know what? I don't care, as long as it doesn't interfere with my victory at Nationals. I would be lying if I said that I myself have never slept with a woman before, although it was more in order to crush her than for any romantic purpose... And I have to say it was interesting to see you fight so hard to protect your little secret, if not entertaining. Your determination to never let anything slip behind your heartless façade is one of the reasons why I chose you as my head Cheerio, and your fierce passion to destroy anyone who would get in your way makes you the perfect mini-Sylvester, with bonus inflatable boobs."

Santana opened her mouth and closed it again, unable to make out a single word.

For 3 years she had been terrified of her coach's reactions if she learnt about her sexuality. She knew Sue Sylvester, or at least she thought she did, and she was sure that her coming out would result in her being kicked out of the squad and relentlessly humiliated. But here she was, standing in front of her coach who knew everything, and nothing terrible had happened. The world hadn't collapsed around her, and she was still very much alive, shaking slightly and unable to pronounce a single word.

"I am disappointed in you, Sandbags." Her coach continued. "I thought you would be more grateful for the fact that I just brought you back from hell."

This seemed to shake Santana up, and her voice was hoarse when she finally spoke.

"How… What did you do?"

"Oh come on, you should know better than anyone that I don't give out my blackmailing techniques so easily. But let's say that I know how to get my way."

This was the most of an answer Santana would get and she knew it; so she bowed down her head and whispered.

"Thank you."

"Oh no, don't thank me. I didn't do it for you; I can't allow my collection of trophies to be missing yet another one just because of you, so consider this payback for abandoning the squad last year. Now you'd better give your best this year and carry this team to victory, or I'm going to regret not leaving you where you were."

"Yes Coach."

"Alright. One last thing, Santana. I can't believe I'm about to say that, but we are all here for you if you need any help." Sue added, grimacing at her own words. "Schuester, Irma and I, and even the Beiste. You don't have to go through this alone."

Santana nodded, thankful and surprised by the sudden kindness of her coach, a part of the woman that she had barely even seen before. But this latter quickly came back to her usual self.

"One last thing though. Your teenager hormones better not mess up with my routines, because if I ever catch you being distracted looking under my other Cheerios skirts, I'll make sure to have you sent way farther than Mexico or whatever country you're from."

Santana smirked, standing taller in front of the older woman.

"Got it Coach. I won't disappoint you."

"I know you won't, Sandbags. Now you'd better run twice as fast to make up for the laps you've missed. And yell at the others a little, I can see them being lazy even through the door, thanks to the awesome X-Ray vision the Russian Army implanted me when I used to spy for them in the 80's." She said, tilting her head to the side to indicate the outside door.

Santana nodded again and jogged to the door, grabbing her stopwatch along the way and the notepad she still carried with her during practice.

"Avery, what do you think you're doing?" She shouted as soon as she got to the door. "Stand up, and you'll do 25 push-ups to make up for the time you spent sitting on the grass!"

If Santana had turned around in that moment, she would have seen that her coach was smiling appreciatively at her.

Sue Sylvester would have never admitted it, even under torture, but she was glad to have her Head Cheerleader back.

* * *

><p>Brittany and Santana had most of their classes together that day, but they didn't really talk. Their teachers and the people around made it impossible for them to have anything but casual interactions. It was fine; they knew that they would talk soon enough.<p>

Santana explained to Brittany the hard notions the teachers wouldn't spend enough time on for Brittany to understand, breaking them into concepts she knew her friend would understand, just like she had always done. Brittany nodded, sometimes looking up at Santana with a worried look in her eyes, as if she was making sure Santana wouldn't bolt out of her seat and leave again. Santana kept her eyes on the book between them, not trusting herself to be able to look the other girl in the eyes without wanting to engulf her into a hug and never letting go.

Brittany spent the rest of the day avoiding the other Glee Club members, and they spent the whole day looking for her. But like the day before, when Brittany didn't want to be found, she knew exactly where to go. Santana understood. After all, Brittany felt embarrassed about the day before and her unusual feelings sharing in Glee. She wasn't used to that, and much less to facing the consequences. So when Rachel, Tina and Artie all stopped to ask her if she knew where Brittany was and if she was ok, Santana gave them the same answer. "She'll be fine. Just give her some space right now."

She herself wasn't sure if Brittany would be fine.

* * *

><p>Brittany had a dance rehearsal for an important competition during lunch break, so Quinn and Santana took their lunch outside, in order to talk without being disturbed by the constant buzz of the cafeteria.<p>

Quinn took a bite of her sandwich, and started the conversation without any forewarning.

"So, did you talk to her?"

Santana took a sip of orange juice before answering. "I... Not really."

Quinn quirked an eyebrow at her. "What do you mean, not really?"

Santana sighted. "I went to her house last night, after my parents fell asleep. I spent the night there, but we didn't really... Talk."

Quinn's eyes widened, and her voice raised up.

"Did you... S, that's insane!" She lowered her voice when a few heads turned to look at them, so that only Santana could hear the rest of the sentence. "You can't just come back and fuck her without any explanation, that's not fair to either of you!"

This time, Santana's eyes widened and she chocked on her orange juice.

She started coughing, tears in her eyes as the juice went the wrong way, and immediately looked up at Quinn when she finally caught her breathe.

"Wh... What? Did you really think we had sex?"

Quinn shrugged, and said "Well, we're talking about you and Brittany."

Santana stared at Quinn for a while before taking a deep breath and looking down at her hands.

"Look Quinn, there's something you need to understand about us. We're not... Brittany and I, it's not..." She let out a frustrated sigh as she tried to find the words to explain the situation. "It's not what it used to be any more. We don't just go around and have sex. We don't kiss. Hell, we don't even touch anymore."

Quinn's eyebrows shot up, but she stayed silent, waiting for Santana to keep going.

"Ever since last year, things have changed. There are... It's different. We both know how we feel about each other now, and it has changed a lot of things between us. I know you and I haven't really talked that much last summer, but... It's different. Britt and I are best friends, that hasn't changed, but it's a lot more complicated than that. I don't know how to explain."

"So you mean you both haven't been intimate since last year?"

"No."

"Not once?"

"Not since she broke up with Artie."

"Wow."

"We're taking it slow, Q. I don't know if we'll be together someday, but I love her way too much to fuck everything again this time."

They stayed quiet for a moment, before Quinn asked.

"So what happened last night then?"

Santana told her everything. How she had found Brittany curled into a ball in her bed, how she had held her the whole night, how Brittany had woken up crying and lost, how she had had to leave without explanation in the morning because Brittany wouldn't wake up, the note she had left, what had happened when they had met in the locker room, and how Brittany looked so very sad during all their classes. She kept her conversation with her coach to herself – which had been more Sue talking and her listening anyway – as it wasn't one of the most pressing matters.

"So you're talking to her tonight?"

"Yeah."

The bell rang and Quinn stood up, holding out her hand to help Santana up.

"Alright. Don't mess it up."

* * *

><p>Santana spent the rest of the day counting the minutes that separated her from her discussion with Brittany, eager to be there already but also dreading the moment. This was important. She couldn't mess it up. She owed Brittany an apology, and she would have to find the exact right words for her to understand what she meant.<p>

It wasn't going to be easy.

She laid in her bed, silent, until her father started snoring on the other side of the wall. She glanced at her phone: 10:30. Perfect. She would be on time.

She slid out of bed, already wearing a pair of jeans and a hoodie, and quietly made her way downstairs, avoiding the creaking step, grabbing a pair of shoes, and slowly closing the main door besides her. She stood there for a minute, silent, waiting for the porch light to light up and her mother to come out of the house, yelling in Spanish. Nothing happened, and she relaxed. She slipped into her shoes, and started walking towards the playground.

The thick November hair enveloped her and made her shiver; she regretted not having grabbed a hat or a pair of gloves. Her ears and hands were freezing.

10 minutes later, she was finally in the park. Brittany wasn't there yet. Santana sat on one of the swings, and started waiting, thinking over and over what she would say to Brittany once she would be in front of her.

* * *

><p>Brittany showed up 5 minutes before 11pm, wearing a thick jacket a tiny bit too small for her – that Santana recognized as hers – a pair of jeans and an adorable Panda hat. She smiled softly and stood in front of Santana, a few feet away from her.<p>

"The park, uh?"

Santana smiled nervously.

"Yeah. I figured it would be a good place to start over. Right where we started."

"I don't want to start over."

Santana's brow furrowed in worry, before Brittany explained herself.

"I mean I don't… We can't undo everything, Santana. And I don't want to, because that's what makes us who we are now, and I don't want to forget all the things we've lived together. Never."

Santana's voice was hoarse in emotion and anxiety. "I don't want to start over either." She admitted. "But… I owe you an apology."

Brittany didn't say anything, but her blue eyes were shining with hope, not anger. It gave Santana the strength she needed to keep going, and she cleared her throat, before tilting her head towards the swing besides her.

"Do you wanna sit?"

Brittany nodded and sat on the swing, swinging a little bit back and forth before planting her feet on the ground and lowering her head.

"I thought you didn't want to see me anymore." she whispered in a barely audible voice.

Santana couldn't fight the urge of grabbing Brittany's hand, pulling it into her lap as she answered.

"Brittany, you're my best friend. You know how much I care about you, right?"

_You know how much I love you._ She thought, but she didn't say it.

"You know I can't stand being away from you. It's always been this way, and that hasn't changed. You should never doubt it. I know I should have handled the situation better, but during those past 2 weeks, the only thing I wanted was to see you and to be with you."

"Really?"

Brittany's eyes were hopeful, looking for something in Santana's that would prove that she was being sincere. Santana held Brittany's gaze when she answered.

"Really."

"Then what happened?"

Santana took a deep breath and looked away, nervous.

"I don't… I don't know what to start with."

"Tell me about what happened after the phone call."

Brittany's voice was low and calm, her thumb gently stroking Santana's fingers. When Santana looked back at her, she saw that even though Brittany was tense, her eyes were fixed on her, a new determination shining in them. Whatever Santana would say, she could take it.

So Santana told her everything, with a brutal honesty that would have scared anybody else but that relieved Brittany of the weight in her chest.

She told her how her parents forced her into the car and then into a plane, and how after everything that had happened it was still impossible for her to fight them. She told her how much she had cried, in that plane that was taking her away from her and from everything she knew and loved. How she was afraid that she would never come back. How her grandmother was actually very nice to her, and how the two weeks with her were better than her life had ever been in her own house. How her phone got turned off, and how it was completely impossible for her to contact her or even read her messages. How she got drunk the first night, how lost she was, how she kissed this random girl in the bar and felt sick for doing it. – At this point Santana felt how Brittany tensed after hearing her words, but her friend remained silent. – How it made her realize that yes, she was gay, but that the only person she wanted to be with was Brittany. How much she had missed her. How she never thought that her parents would allow her to come back, until she was in the car with her dad who was swearing against Sue Sylvester. How scared she got when she came back and read all the texts she had missed. How she looked for Brittany all day long without finding her, and how she was scared it was too late to go back. How seeing her in the choir room the day before broke her heart, and how she ended up sneaking out of her house like so many times before to join her. How their coach already knew about them, and how she had surprisingly offered her support. She didn't talk about the song at first, thinking Brittany might want to bring it up herself, and not wanting to put her on the line right away. But all the while, she kept telling her how much she had missed her, and how none of this had been her choice.

Brittany was still sitting next to her, her feet dangling and her hand squeezing Santana's. She listened to everything, never interrupting her, nodding from time to time when things coordinated with what she knew.

"And that's what really happened." Santana concluded looking up at Brittany. Brittany's eyes were unfocused, like she was thinking about something.

"So you didn't walk away from me."

It was more an observation than a question, but Santana answered anyway.

"No. I would never walk away from you, Brittany." Santana said, much like she had the night before in Brittany's bed.

Brittany nodded, but didn't look up, still lost in her thoughts. Santana stayed silent, waiting for Brittany to speak up, softly stroking the back of her hand with her thumb in order to calm her own nervousness.

"San?" Brittany finally said, looking up at Santana with worried eyes.

"Yes Britt?"

"I have another question."

"Go ahead."

"You're not going to like it."

"Try me."

"Why… Why didn't you find another way to contact me if your phone didn't work? Is… Is Puerto Rico cut from the rest of the world, or what?"

Santana felt a new wave of guilt wash over her. She knew it. She knew this question would come. She had tried to ignore it during her story, but she knew it was something she would need to explain at some point.

"I couldn't bring myself to do it. I… I knew I should have, and you can't imagine how much I wanted to, but just… I just couldn't."

She saw the look of incomprehension and hurt on Brittany's face, and tried to develop her thoughts.

"I felt guilty, Britt. And lost. I know I could have called you with my grandmother's phone, or I could have bought a new charger in a shop nearby, or found tons of other ways to contact you but I couldn't bring myself to do it because I wasn't ready to talk to you. I didn't know you needed me, and if I had, I would have never let it go like this… But I was thousands of miles away, not knowing if I would come back. I had kissed this girl, and it didn't mean anything, but I couldn't bring myself to pretend like nothing had happened. I didn't want to lie to you, but I wanted to tell you this face to face. And I was lost. I needed to put my feelings in order about it, about everything, and I took the phone as an excuse not to talk to you, or anybody else. I cut myself from you and from here, just so that I wouldn't have to deal with it all. And also… I thought maybe it would be an easier way to cut the cord brutally if I had to stay in Puerto Rico after. I'm really sorry. I shouldn't… I should have never done that."

She turned her head to the side, trying to hide her face from Brittany, but this latter lifted her chin to make her look at her.

"San? Stop apologizing. It's fine, I understand now. I just wish it hadn't happened this way, but it's too late now to come back. It was hard, but I'll be fine. I just need a little bit of time to digest everything, ok?"

Santana nodded, and squeezed Brittany's hand. "Thank you" she whispered.

They stayed silent for a little while, listening to the sounds of the night around them, before Brittany spoke up.

"I'm sorry about the song yesterday. I shouldn't have."

"Don't be sorry. It was very brave of you to sing that, Brittany. And you totally nailed the assignment. But… I'm just sad that it's how you feel about yourself. You know you're the smartest girl at this school, right?"

"Except I'm not, San." Brittany sighted. "Everybody's always telling me how stupid I am, and it hurts, you know? I try to brush it off most of the time, but when everybody thinks you're something, you always end up being that something, because you're only what people see. So if people see me as stupid, then I guess it's what I am."

"Brittany…" Santana stopped, frowning to try to think about a comparison that would make Brittany realize that she was wrong.

"OK. So if everybody thinks I'm a bitch, does it make me a bitch?"

"I don't think you're a…"

"And I don't think you're stupid."

"But…"

"Alright, another example. If everybody thinks Finn fucking Hudson is a hero, does that make him a hero?"

Brittany frowned, a disgusted look on her face.

"No."

"Then it doesn't matter what people think. People are mean, Brittany. They'll have opinions and they'll try to bring you down and try to bring bad people up, and there's nothing you can do about that. But you can keep your head high like you've always done and show them that they're wrong. You can graduate with the honors at the end of the year, and get into the best dance school of the country while they'll be stuck in Lima for the rest of their lives. And then what they think about you won't matter anymore, I promise."

Brittany squeezed her hand, a silent thank you, before asking.

"So why are you so scared about what people think?"

Santana didn't know what to answer. It was something she was still trying to figure out, and she didn't have the strength to find an answer that night.

So she not so subtly changed the topic, earning a slightly disappointed look from Brittany. "You know you'll have to face them at some point." She said.

"Who?"

"The Glee Club. They've been looking for you all day long."

Brittany's face lit up in guilt.

"I know… I just couldn't bring myself to talk to them before talking to you. I needed to know where we stood."

"I'll be there if you need me when you do it, ok?"

"Thanks."

They stayed silent for a moment, enjoying the presence of the other, their even breaths doing small clouds of steam in the cold air.

"We should probably get some sleep, Sylvester is gonna kill us tomorrow." Santana said tentatively said when she saw Brittany shivering next to her.

"You're right" Brittany nodded; they both got on their feet, standing without moving next to the swings.

"So…" Santana started, kicking in the sand with the heel of her shoe.

"Can you come back home with me?" Brittany suddenly blurted.

"Sorry?" Santana blinked.

"I can't… I mean… Would you mind sleeping in my bed tonight? I know it's not easy with your parents and all, just… I would feel better if you were with me tonight. But I would understand if you…"

"Yes." Santana interrupted her. "Don't worry about my parents, it'll be fine if I leave early tomorrow morning."

"Okay. But… Wake me up this time, alright?"

"Sure."

They started walking back silently, the freezing November air seeping in under their clothes and making them shiver. Suddenly, feeling a rush of love and adrenaline go through her veins, Santana grabbed Brittany's hand, and interlocked all their fingers together; Brittany didn't say anything, but she took a deep quivering breath before squeezing back. They didn't let go until they stopped in front of Brittany's house for her to grab her keys.

That night, they fell asleep wrapped in each other's arms, all limbs tangled, exhausted by the previous night, the hard practice in the morning and the rough day that had followed; Brittany's head was resting on Santana's chest, one of the shorter girl's hands tangled in her hair as the other one rested on her back.

Things would get better. Everything was always better when they were next to each other.

* * *

><p><strong>AN: I said I would stop apologizing for not posting more often, but it's been 3 months and I'm sorry. I got stuck for a very long time with the Sue scene, and I kind of hoped it would write itself but it didn't. But here it is, finally! I hope you enjoyed it. The girls have finally talked, but everything won't be all sunshine and rainbows tomorrow just because of that... But hey, Things Are Never Easy after all :)**

**Also, I created a Tumblr especially for my Brittana writing, just so you can be informed of the evolution of the next chapter or ask me questions if you want to. My url is la-made me, come and say hi!**


	19. Where We Go From There

**Chapter 19: ****Where We Go From There**

Waking up with Brittany curled up against her wasn't something Santana thought she'd ever get the chance to do again, only a week ago. Yet there she was, stirring against her, reluctant to get out of the warmth of the bed but knowing she didn't have the choice.

"Britt?"

"Mmm…"

"I have to go."

"Mmkay."

Brittany unwillingly unwrapped her arms from around Santana's body, sighted, and got out of bed, messily starting to grab some clothes.

"What are you doing?"

"Driving you back home."

"B, you don't have t…"

"I want to." Brittany interrupted, planting her eyes into Santana's, and she couldn't resist very long.

"Ok."

The drive through the streets of Lima was short and quiet, Santana glancing at Brittany from time to time; when Brittany felt her eyes on her, she looked back and smiled shyly before redirecting her attention to the road.

Brittany stopped the car a few houses from the Lopez, not wanting to wake Santana's parents up. Before Santana could say anything, she unfastened her seatbelt and got out of the car, stopping in front of the passenger's door as Santana got out.

"Thank you." Santana said, looking up at Brittany with a shy smile on her face.

Brittany smiled back, and on an impulse, Santana wrapped her arms around her waist. She soon felt two arms wrap around her body, and smiled against Brittany's coat.

"I missed this." Brittany whispered in her hair.

"I missed you." Santana answered as she pulled away.

"I'll see you at school?" Brittany asked, scrutinizing Santana.

"Of course. See you later Britt."

"Be careful, San."

Santana nodded and after waving one last time at Brittany, she walked back home, hoping that her parents wouldn't be up yet.

* * *

><p>The whole morning, Brittany pulled out the same game as the day before, constantly avoiding the other Glee kids and pretending like she had nothing to say to them. Santana stayed by her side the whole time, glaring at the others when they got too close, making sure Brittany wasn't being bothered now that she didn't want to. Every now and then Brittany would thank her with a shy smile, and the butterflies in Santana's stomach reminded her of how life wasn't so bad after all.<p>

At lunchtime they grabbed a few sandwiches and some grape juice, and Santana almost bumped into Brittany when she suddenly stopped in the middle of the cafeteria, eyeing the Glee table on one side of the room and the Cheerios one on the other side.

"Hey, can we take our lunch outside?" Brittany asked, turning around in order to face Santana. "I don't really feel like eating in the cafeteria today."

Santana looked at her worried frown, then back at the two tables behind her. When she looked back at Brittany, she gave her a small reassuring smile.

"Of course, Britt. And it's not too cold today so it would be nice."

Brittany bit her lips, blue eyes squinting in deep thinking.

"Quinn can come too." She finally said, and Santana's smile spread as she nodded.

* * *

><p>The weather was getting colder, but the sun was shining and it was enough to justify a lunch outside. Quinn looked at her friends, sitting next to her in the grass, and smiled. It felt good to be reunited: the Unholy Trinity, so different from when everything had started, but somehow stronger and closer than ever.<p>

They talked about insignificant things, from Glee club to classes, passing by English homework or Mrs. Hagsberg last crazy reinvention of History, avoiding deep topics for the time being. Quinn didn't mention the song to Brittany, knowing that it was still a sensitive topic. But she kept her eyes on her, taking in her shy smile, the uneasiness in her moves that she had never noticed before, the way she kept looking at Santana like she was making sure she was real and here, how she still seemed fragile but already 100 times better than while Santana was gone. Sometimes her eyes drifted to Santana and she was surprised to see her so careful, almost shy, sweeter than she'd ever seen her when she was around.

And something else was different. She couldn't point what, but it was different from before. And then it hit her: the lack of touch. During their first 3 years together on the Cheerios and then on Glee, Brittany and Santana had always be overtly physical towards each other. For a long time, Quinn had been kind of jealous of this closeness, wondering why they were like this with each other and never with her, why she was kept apart from these marks of affection and this special bond that was quietly forming between her two friends. She knew that being on top meant being there alone, but it was still hard to accept sometimes, especially seeing how her two best friends were best friends between each other first, and that she only came after. It had taken her a year or so to realize that what she had mistaken for friendship was love, and then the faint jealousy had become envy. They had the thing Quinn had always wanted, the thing she dreamt about at night, the thing that made her cling desperately to Finn when she wasn't even sure she liked him at all. But the envy had disappeared after the trip to New York, after she had realized that they might have found love, but they were just as miserable as she was. And that's when the envy disappeared that she was finally able to accept their friendship again.

But during their whole high school years together, the touches between the two girls had always been consistent. Even when Brittany had been with Artie, even when they had both been dating other people, the casual touches were always here; whether they were holding pinkies, brushing each other's hair after Cheerio practice, their knees touching in Glee, their fingertips brushing against the other's skin whenever the situation could justify it, and even when it didn't.

But now… Now, the touches were almost inexistent. Every touch was pondered, thought of, shy. So far from the casualness of the past years. Sometimes the touches were accidental, like when Santana's hand brushed against Brittany's as they both reached for a napkin, and Quinn looked with interest and curiosity how both of them seemed to stop breathing for half a second, looking everywhere but at each other, before withdrawing their hands and changing the topic of conversation to talk about Quinn.

"Hey Quinn, did you find a partner for that Spanish group project?" Santana asked, folding the napkin on her lap. "I was thinking we could do it together if you want. You're the only one in this class who won't let me do all the work by myself." She added with a smirk.

"That would be great." Quinn smiled, as much at the idea of Santana yelling at one of their lazy classmates as at the pathetic attempt at drawing their attention to something else. "Plus you're the only one with better skills than me in that language, so we can easily rock an A+."

"That's a deal Fabray."

The bell cut them before they could start talking about which topic they should chose, and the three of them packed up their stuff to go to their next class.

* * *

><p>When they arrived in Glee this afternoon, Quinn and Santana walking on every side of Brittany, the whole Glee Club stared at this latter, looking for something to say.<p>

Mr. Schuester was the first to talk, taking a step towards the girls before they could get a chance to reach their seats.

"Brittany… Your song made us all think a lot, and we want you to know that no one here thinks you're stupid. We love you, and we accept you for who you are. Glee Club is a safe place, remember?"

Santana wanted to slap him in the face. How could he dare saying this, when he had been the first to doubt Brittany's intelligence when she had been part of the Brainiacs the year before? When he constantly put her down, brushing her comments aside when he didn't understand them, making her feel like she wasn't worth it?

Santana looked at Brittany, whose eyes sparkled with something close to skepticism. She didn't believe any word he said, but she would pretend to because that's what he expected her to do.

"I know Mr Schue. I guess I just forgot it for a minute."

"Good. I'm glad that you know we're here if you need us." He turned his attention back to the class, as the girls took their seats, Brittany's trouble forgotten as soon as it was brought up. "Alright, who's next? We still have to hear Quinn and Mike's songs!"

Mike gave Quinn a nervous smile, obviously anxious at the idea of singing anything yet.

"After you."

* * *

><p>Quinn's song, a stripped down mash up of Coldplay's Lost! and Jimmy Robbins and Alexz Johnson's Lost That War, was extremely emotional and slightly concerning. It elicited a surprised reaction from almost all her fellow Glee clubbers, apart from Santana, Brittany and Puck.<p>

"Quinn, are you ok?" Mr Schuester asked at the end of her performance. "You seem a little depressed."

Quinn smiled softly, this lazy smile Santana knew and recognized as fake, the one she had seen Quinn pull of so many times during the past few years but that nobody had never really called her out for.

"I'm ok, Mr Schue. I've had a rough time, but it's behind me now. I just thought I would sing about it since the assignment was to talk about something you have a hard time talking about."

Mr Schuester seemed satisfied with her answer, and turned his attention back to the class to ask Mike to sing the last song of the assignment.

Santana shook her head and sighted, and when Quinn sat back next to Brittany, this latter grabbed her hand and squeezed it.

Mr Schue might have let it go easily, but they wouldn't.

* * *

><p>At the end of Glee, Quinn packed her stuff quickly and left the room while the others were still discussing the new assignment their teacher had given them. Santana, who was talking to Brittany, stopped midsentence to look at the door, then back at the other girl.<p>

"Go." Brittany whispered, holding out her hand to touch Santana's arm but withdrawing it at the last second, like she just remembered that they weren't in the place where she could do that anymore. "I'll see you tonight?"

Santana nodded and mouthed a silent thank you, before taking off and quickly going after Quinn.

The girl had already reached the school's entrance when Santana caught up with her.

"Q, wait!"

Quinn stopped halfway through the stairs outside, and slowly turned around to face Santana who was now standing up a few steps above her.

"You know we're gonna have to talk about it, right?"

"I know." Quinn sighted. "But this can wait, you have other problems to take care of first."

"Stop the bullshit Quinn, you need help as much as I do." Santana spat, suddenly looking almost angry. "You need to stop pretending like everything is alright and just let someone in, for once! I know you feel like you can do it alone, but you're bottling everything inside and one day you're just going explode. And I'm gonna tell you, this is not gonna be pretty."

Quinn opened her mouth to protest, but Santana stopped her again, walking down the three steps that separated them to stand in front of Quinn and stare right into her eyes, pleading.

"Please, open up. And if it's not to me, then to someone else. You've been through a lot and nobody's really paid attention to your feelings about all of it. So talk to me, please..."

Mr Lopez chose this moment to pull in front of the school and park right down the stairs, giving a quick horn to let his daughter know he was here.

Santana looked at the car then back at Quinn, giving her a helpless look, and Quinn nodded towards the car.

"Your dad is waiting, you should go."

"Quinn…" Santana started.

Mr Lopez honked the horn again, more angrily this time, for his daughter to hurry. He wasn't in the mood to wait.

"We'll talk later, I promise. Go."

* * *

><p>Later that night, Quinn found herself on the Lopez doorstep, wondering what exactly she was doing here. She knew Santana needed her and that being here with her made it easier for her to forget how wrong everything was with her parents, but she wasn't sure if she was ready for the talk that would certainly go with being alone with Santana. She was hoping she would be able to change the topic and draw it back to Brittany – after all, she still didn't know what had happened the night before, when the girls were supposed to talk – but she knew Santana wouldn't let it go this time.<p>

She sighted, and rang the doorbell. The door opened on Mrs Lopez, frowning and detailing her from head to toe. Quinn didn't have to check her own appearance to know that she looked perfect: a flowery skirt, flat shoes, a pale cardigan, her hair neatly done; everything Mrs Lopez would want her to look like. She knew the drill.

But somehow this time it didn't ease the frown on the older woman's face.

"Hi Mrs Lopez. How are you today?" She smiled her sweetest smile. "Santana and I have a group project to work on together. Can I come in?"

The frown on Mrs Lopez's face deepened, and when she spoke, her voice was stiff and cold.

"I'm sorry Quinn, but you can't come here anymore."

Quinn opened her mouth, surprised. She definitely wasn't expecting this; when she had come here before the holidays, she had been warmly welcome every time. Mrs Lopez was convinced that she could put Santana back on the right side of the tracks, and welcomed her with open arms.

"Mrs Lopez, I don't mean to overstep here… But why? Santana and I have some assignments to work on together, and…"

"You'll work on them tomorrow at school." Mrs Lopez said coldly. "Santana needs to spend some time on her own now. She won't be allowed visits until she corrects her behavior."

Quinn felt anger rise in her chest, and it took all the strength she had not to just lash out at Mrs Lopez and yell her opinions about this whole "_behavior problem_."

"Don't come here anymore."

And with that, Mrs Lopez closed the door behind her.

Quinn stood there, angry and helpless, before slowly walking back to her car. She had no idea what made Mrs Lopez change her mind. Maybe after Puerto Rico, she had decided that Santana just needed more time alone with her thoughts, without any external influence. Maybe Mr Lopez had seen her talking to Santana for the past three evenings as he picked his daughter from school, and maybe he had mistaken the hug on Monday evening as something else. Maybe they didn't have any valid reason, apart from isolating their daughter from all of her friends and shielding her from the outside world so that maybe, just maybe, she would come back to being that little girl that they knew and understood.

She had no other explanation. But there was one thing she was sure about; things weren't getting better for Santana at home. At all.

Right when she got home, Quinn texted Kurt.

**To: Kurt [Wednesday, 5:12pm]**

Kurt, we need to talk.

* * *

><p>"Quinn! I thought you wouldn't answer my phone calls tonight, but I guess I was wrong."<p>

"Hi Santana." Quinn answered as she closed her bedroom door behind her.

"We still need to talk, you know. Are you busy right now?"

"No I'm not."

She laid on her bed, the phone against her ear, and closed her eyes.

"Can we… Can we talk about something else first?" She asked. "I don't feel like starting off out of the blue like this, if you don't mind."

"Whatever you want Fabray. Just know that I'm not hanging up before I get at least something else than a fake '_I'm ok'_ here."

"Alright."

She didn't want to say anything about her failed attempt to visit earlier, unless her friend mentioned it. Santana probably knew, and maybe she didn't want to talk about it. She would leave it up to her.

"You didn't have time to tell me how it went yesterday with Brittany. What happened?"

"Well we talked, and…"

Santana proceeded to tell her quickly about the previous night, and Quinn felt the first little bit of happiness at the hope in Santana's voice. Even if things seemed kind of wrong on a family level, at least Santana and Brittany were doing better. At least they could be there for each other now. It felt good to know it.

"Enough talking about me now." Santana said, resolution in her voice. "Now tell me about you. What was this song about?"

"I don't really know how to explain." Quinn sighted.

"Q…"

There was something in Santana's voice that Quinn couldn't identify. Was it disappointment? Or pity? Or both? Whatever it was, it made her cringe, and she felt her walls build right back up again.

"I think I'm not ready to talk about it yet. But I'm fine, don't worry."

"Stop it Quinn, you're like a freaking time bomb. And trust me, I'd rather defuse the bomb before you end up killing someone or hurting yourself. You need to talk to someone, as soon as possible. You're bottling everything up, hiding every feeling deep inside just because you feel like it might hurt less, but it won't. Because when you walk away from your feelings and try to ignore them, they come back full force and hit you in the face. I know that better than anyone."

"What do you mean you…"

"Gosh Quinn, stop doing that!" Santana cut her, exasperated. "Stop trying to pull the conversation back to me when we're talking about you, fuck!"

The anger in Santana's voice made Quinn angry too. She hadn't asked for it, for anything actually; and still Santana was there, lecturing her about how to deal with her feelings like the biggest hypocrite.

"I don't need you, stop trying to help me!"

"No. Not until you just sit there and admit that you're _not_ ok! Just grow up and deal with it!"

"Says the girl who spent years hiding in the closet!" Quinn snapped back, starting to feel the anger build more and more in the pit of her stomach.

"Well at least I didn't get pregnant and spend a year and a half pretending I didn't have a kid!"

The harsh comment took Quinn aback, and she felt like she'd just been hit right in the stomach. It took her a second to recover from the blinding pain the mention of her daughter brought, and her reply had less force than she wished it had.

"Don't bring Beth into it." She hissed.

"I'll bring Beth into it if I want to, and she's far from being the only problem. But how does it feel Quinn? How does it feel to have a child somewhere in the country and to not know how she is? How does it feel to have everybody around you pretend like it never happened, and to never be able to talk about it?"

It was all too much. Quinn pressed her forearm against her eyes, pursing her lips and tightening her fist, trying to contain her anger and the huge mess of emotions building inside her chest, but she couldn't hold it any longer. She shot up, sitting straight on her bed, fisting the fabric of her bedcover as she finally exploded.

"_Fine_! I am _not_ okay! Is that what you wanna hear? I'm everything but okay! My life is a freaking mess! I had a baby and I gave her up for adoption. I don't even know if she's fine, what she looks like, what gifts she had for her first birthday or if she can walk yet. I thought I didn't want this kid but I still went through hell to have her and make sure she had the best start at life as possible… I was pregnant and it was all everyone could talk about for months, yet since I had her everybody just keeps pretending like it never happened, like I didn't have a baby and like I'm not completely messed up. But I'm a freaking mess. My dad left my house and never looked back. My mom is a mess too and let him throw me out when I needed her the most. I thought I wanted love but I'm not even sure to know what being loved feels like, for I'm not even sure my parents even ever loved me. Maybe they just loved the idea of me, like everybody else: this perfect little thing,_ their_ perfect little thing that they made and could never be anything but perfect. I tried to be perfect because I was so scared everybody would leave me if they realized I wasn't… And that's exactly what happened. And yet here I am, still scared to be left behind and still desperately trying for people to love me. I don't have anybody but the people in Glee club, and even they never try to look past what they can see at first look. And… And I'm scared."

Her anger was slowly drying down, leaving place to a new vulnerability. She was finally expressing all the things she had never had the opportunity to express, all the things she thought she wasn't even allowed to feel. And for once, she didn't care anymore that someone else could hear them too.

"I'm so scared, all the time, of everything…" She stopped for a second, drawing in a deep, shaky breath. "Why is it all so scary? I'm so terrified about what the future holds. People say it gets better, but how? And when? And what if I fail miserably at everything I ever try? And… And what if I don't do anything of worth with my life? What if I end up like my mom? Or worst… Like my dad?"

She suddenly stopped talking, breathless, her eyes wide and stinging with unshed tears. The weird mix of feelings had swelled as she talked, making it hard for her to catch her breath, and finally, just as suddenly as she had exploded, she broke. She fell back on her bed, curling into a fetal position, and started crying. Big, heavy sobs, an accumulation of all the emotions she had keep deep inside and hadn't been able to express for the past two years overcoming her.

And that's when she realized that Santana had known exactly what to do. She had pushed just the right buttons, pushed her to her last entrenchments in order to break her barriers and make her explode. Exactly like she had done in New York a few months ago. Exactly like she did when she knew Quinn refused to deal with something. And of course it had worked. Now here she was, crying all the tears she didn't know she needed to cry, as Santana just listened on the other side, not saying anything, not telling her to stop crying. She was just there, like Quinn didn't even know she desperately needed someone to be until now.

Quinn cried for a long time, losing track of time and of anything else, letting the flow of feelings overtake her completely and leave her body shaking and huddled up.

When the sobs finally stopped and the tears dried down, Quinn took a deep, quivering breathe, only hearing silence on the other side of the line.

"Santana? Are you… Are you still there?"

"Of course Q. I'm not going anywhere."

Santana's voice was soft and caring, and Quinn didn't know how to feel about it. This was so far from the Santana she used to know. But then again, everything was changing, and they were both changing too.

"I… Thank you."

"I'm sorry I had to do it that way. I didn't want to hurt you but you needed to free yourself from the weight of it all."

"It's fine… It's… You're right, I had to get it out."

"Do you feel better?"

"Not yet. I feel worse, actually. But it's ok."

"Have you…" Santana's voice was tentative, like she didn't know if she was stepping on forbidden ground or not. "Have you ever thought about contacting Shelby Corcoran to ask her about Beth? I'm not sure if it's legal or not, but…"

"Can we not talk about that tonight anymore?" Quinn interrupted. "I… I don't think I can do it right now."

"Sure Quinn. Whenever you want, you know I'll be there."

"Thank you, Santana."

_You don't know how much that means to me. _She thought, but didn't say it.

There was a small silent – not an uncomfortable one, just the silence that came after tears and confessions – before Quinn heard Santana's footsteps on the floor on the other side of the line.

"I'm thinking about something… Wait a minute." Santana was now ruffling through things, and Quinn tilted her head as she waited for her to find what she was looking for. The ruffling came to an end, and Santana's footsteps were heard again, followed by the creaking of the mattress as she probably sat back on her bed.

"Ok, I got it. I want to warn you that this is gonna feel super cheesy as shit, but I know you're gonna love it so I'll do it anyway. I read this book a few days ago and maybe it will help you too, I don't know."

Quinn heard Santana flipping through pages as she kept talking.

"I found it on my grandmother's bookshelf. I think Brittany gave it to me a few years ago and I took it to Puerto Rico to read it during the summer, but I never had time to, until last week. And there was this quote… Ah, here it is. Listen carefully because I'm not doing it twice."

Quinn snorted, and Santana started reading, slowly, weighting on every word.

"So, I guess we are who we are for a lot of reasons. And maybe we'll never know most of them. But even if we don't have the power to choose where we come from, we can still choose where we go from there. We can still do things. And we can try to feel okay about them."

Quinn listened carefully, and at the end of the quote, a real smile spread on her lips as she contained a laugh.

"Did you just quote me _The Perks Of Being a Wallflower_?"

"Yeah well, don't get used to it. I just really liked that paragraph, okay? I thought it fitted me. And I think it kind of fits you too."

Quinn stopped laughing as she thought about it for a moment, and she tilted her head before whispering.

"Yeah. It actually does."

Quinn heard Santana drop the book on the floor, before completely changing the topic, talking about their Spanish project and how they should talk about tango, because seriously, "_tango is fierce and phenomenal, just like us_." It brought a smile on her face, the fact that Santana could still talk about simple topics and joke with her, right after she just read her an insightful quote about going on and keep living, right after her friend just broke in front of her and confessed all of her deepest insecurities. Santana would still be herself around her, accepting her whole-heartedly even when Quinn didn't accept herself, embracing each and every one of Quinn's insecurities when she knew that Quinn couldn't do it herself. It was nice. It felt good. And things that felt good were getting rare in Quinn's life.

She snapped back to reality when Santana's voice became more serious.

"Hey do you think you could visit one of these evenings? It felt a lot less lonely when you were there. And… And I guess you could use the company too."

There was a vulnerability in Santana's voice that Quinn was still getting used to, and she felt a pang of sadness in her chest at the realization.

_She doesn't know. They didn't tell her I tried to come._

"Yeah, sure." She said, feeling bad for lying but knowing the truth would be far worst. "I'll try, but I can't promise anything. My mom has really been on my back these past few days."

* * *

><p>Right after she hung up, Quinn walked to her bookshelf to grab her copy of <em>The Perks of Being a Wallflower<em>, and carefully copied the quote Santana had read to her. She stared at it for a minute, reading it again and again until the words were imprinted in her mind, before sticking it on her wall, between a picture of the Glee club during their first year, and a picture of Santana, Brittany and her in New York.

She then crawled back into her bed, clothes and all, and turned off her lights, eyes still opened as she thought about her conversation with Santana and about the quote, again.

Maybe if she kept reminding herself every day that her past made her who she was but didn't define her future, that she still had a lot of things to look forward to, then maybe she would make it. Maybe she would be fine, and maybe her friends would be too. Maybe if they stuck together, they had a chance of making it through their last year of high school, and after that they could walk away from this miserable life and this unnerving city and never look back.

As she was about to fall asleep, Quinn's phone buzzed next to her head. It was an answer from Kurt, that after all the events of the night, she wasn't even expecting anymore.

**1 Text Message From: Kurt [Wednesday, 10:45pm]**

Sure. I'll call you tomorrow after first period.

* * *

><p><strong>AN: I feel like the chapters are getting longer and longer, which I guess is an excuse for the awful amount of time between each post. I hope you liked this chapter, even though there was less Brittany than you might have hoped... But she'll be back soon, I promise. In the meantime, what did you think of Quinn's big breakdown? Let me know about your thoughts, positive and negative, it's always great to hear from you!**


	20. Coffee Therapy

**A/N: As you might have noticed, I have kind of disappeared from here. I haven't been able to update this story in two years... Yet some of you keep popping onto my Tumblr from time to time to ask for the ending of Things Are Never Easy, and to tell me how important this story was for you and how it even helped some of you. I've always wanted to finish it, but life took over and you know how things go... But these messages, as well as the imminent (SPOILER) Brittana proposal and wedding, gave me strength.**

**So here's that long-awaited chapter. And if I can't keep going after that, I will post the outline of all the things that were supposed to happen next.**

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter 20: <strong>**Coffee Therapy**

The next day, true to his word, Kurt called Quinn right after first period. He spoke quietly, as if he knew already that what she wanted to discuss was important.

**Kurt:** You wanted to talk to me. What's the matter?

**Quinn:** It's about Santana.

**Kurt:** I had a feeling it would be. I'm listening.

**Quinn:** Well… This isn't getting any better. I tried visiting her yesterday and her parents threw me out. And Brittany seems to be better since she came back, but after her mental breakdown I don't know what to expect anymore… I think we have to do something.

**Kurt:** I know… I don't think we can do anything for Britt for now, except being there for her and making sure Santana is ok. And to be honest, I think we've reached the point when someone has to talk to Santana's parents.

**Quinn:** I was thinking about it too. I don't believe they would listen to any of us though, so we might have to ask an adult.

**Kurt:** Yeah… But remember how unhelpful Mr. Schue was when Dave was harassing me? I know we always ask him for help, but I'm not sure he would be the best choice for that. I…

_Bip_

**Quinn:** Hold on Kurt, Mercedes is calling. I'm adding her to the call.

**Mercedes**: Hey, there's no way you're keeping us out of the loop again. We want to help.

_Bip_

**Tina:** Yeah, we're their friends too.

**Kurt:** Guys, I don't know if…

**Mercedes:** Alright Kurt, listen to me. Santana and I were singing duets when she was still calling you names. I know you guys got a lot closer these past few weeks, but there's no way I'm gonna stand there and watch her go through hell without doing anything about it.

**Quinn**: _(sigh)_ Alright. Kurt, tell them what we had in mind.

**Kurt:** Quinn and I were thinking about asking an adult to talk to Santana's parents, and we're not sure Mr Schue is the best idea for that. What do you think?

**Tina:** That sounds like a great idea, but Mr Schue… I don't know, I'm also skeptic about him.

**Mercedes:** Oh yeah, no. If you ask Mr Schue, we're good for having Santana back in Puerto Rico by tomorrow. What about Mrs Pillsbury? After all, her job is to help students with their struggles, so maybe she could, like, call Santana's parents in and find the right words…

**Tina:** Rachel's dads could probably help too? I don't know if Mr and Mrs Lopez would be ready to listen to gay parents, but maybe that could help them change their minds. I also think the adult we chose should talk to Santana first, just in case you know.

**Quinn:** That's a great idea, Tina.

**Kurt:** My dad could help. He knows what it's like to raise a gay son, so maybe he could talk to them as well and try to let them see that Santana is still the daughter they raised and love. After talking to Santana, that is. I think she could use having a positive dialogue with an adult.

**Tina:** What about Sue Sylvester?

**Mercedes:** Brad the Piano Man?

**Kurt:** He doesn't even talk!

**Quinn:** Guys, I have a better idea.

**Kurt:** Really? Who?

**Quinn:** Mrs. Holliday.

* * *

><p>After an entire lunch period spent at the library trying to find Mrs. Holliday's current localization on the school's computers, it was obvious that they couldn't do it on their own. Holly Holliday was simply impossible to locate, and the only person who would be able to get in touch with her was also the one person they had wanted to keep away from the whole story. After an animated discussion, they decided that Kurt and Quinn would speak to Mr. Schuester at the end of their Spanish class, although they were both anxious to see their teacher's reaction to their uncommon request.<p>

They waited until after all the other students had cleared the room, and Quinn got closer to Mr. Schuester's desk while Kurt closed the classroom door.

"Mr Schue, can we ask you something?"

"Sure Quinn. What's going on?" He asked with a smile, putting down his pen.

Quinn and Kurt glanced at each other, before Kurt answered.

"We need to talk to you about Santana."

They dropped their bags and took a seat in front of their teacher, glancing at each other one last time before Quinn started talking.

* * *

><p>After exposing the entire situation to Mr Schuester, Quinn and Kurt watched as a concerned look appeared on his face.<p>

"So you're saying Santana is having troubles with her parents because of her sexuality?"

"Yeah. They shipped her off to Puerto Rico during the holidays, and apparently the only reason they let her come back to Lima was because Coach Sylvester put some pressure on them. Something about not making it to the National Championships without her head cheerleader or something."

His brow furrowed at the mention of Sue Sylvester's less than ethic methods, but he didn't mention it.

"I appreciate your worry about your friend, but I don't think I can be of any help here. I cannot just barge into their family life, it's none of my business…"

"Well, I think at the moment it could potentially hurt one of your students it becomes your business, Mr. Schue." Kurt interrupted. "Santana isn't confident enough with herself yet to face her parents, and you don't know how hard it can be when your parents reject you for who you are."

"I do, and I can tell you that Santana needs all the support she can get." Quinn added. "Her situation is beyond critical. We have the power to make things change, so we should do it while it's still time... Or do you prefer waiting for things to become unbearable for her, when all we can do is to pick up the pieces?"

Mr. Schuester thought for a while, and sighted.

"Ok, but how? What do you suggest?"

Quinn and Kurt looked at each other before smiling at him.

"We would like you to call someone."

* * *

><p>The next few days were mostly uneventful for Brittany and Santana, who were blissfully unaware of their friends' plans. They were getting closer and closer again, but there was a shyness and a caution that had never been there between them before. It felt new. It felt different. It was nice, and scary at the same spent their school time together and met every night in Brittany's bed, where they slept wrapped up in each other's arms.<p>

It felt good, but deep inside, it also scared Santana. What if she ended up hurting Brittany again? What if their closeness made it even more difficult for Brittany if anything happened, for example, if her parents sent her back to Puerto Rico? She had hurt her so many times, either voluntarily or by accident, and she was scared to hurt her again. Brittany had given her back her entire trust, without thinking, but Santana had made so many mistakes in the past that she didn't know if she could trust herself when it came to Brittany. She knew she wanted her, but was she what Brittany needed? Did she deserve her?

The atmosphere back at Santana's house was horrific. Quinn hadn't been able to visit since their phone conversation a few days ago, and it was almost for the best. The silence between her parents and her became worst each day that passed by, only cut by a few unhidden comments about sins and "abnormal behaviors". Each time Santana wanted to answer, but then she remembered their threat of sending her back to Puerto Rico and she thought about Brittany; so she kept silent and endured the comments without saying anything.

She tried to forget their words as soon as they left their mouths, but they were stuck in her head, replaying again and again in her head at night while she laid besides a sleeping Brittany. What if they were right? What if she really was worthless, what if she was the abomination they kept telling her she was? She knew she couldn't believe what they said, but it was increasingly difficult to keep a positive mindset when the only image her parents sent her of herself was one of a monstrous, selfish person. They still had an incredible influence on her, and while she couldn't go against them, she couldn't ignore their attitudes either.

She had to get herself out of that situation, but she didn't know how.

* * *

><p>Three days after Quinn's mash-up during Glee Club, Santana was walking through the hallways to get into her last class of the day when she caught the sight of an older blonde that she recognized immediately. She blinked twice, trying to make sure she wasn't imagining things, and then made her way towards her.<p>

"Mrs Hollyday? But… What are you doing here, I thought you had left for New Zealand!"

"Hi sweet cheeks!" Holly Holliday smiled, hugging her tightly. "I did, but it was a bit too quiet out there for me. I stopped for a while in Spain, took a short trip around Europe, and then decided to come back here for a little while! I was hoping to run into you, actually."

She was smiling, warm and welcoming, seemingly happy to see Santana. Santana still wasn't fully comprehending what the older woman was doing here, but she was happy to see her too. Holly Holliday had been a breath of fresh hair during a hard time for her the past year, and had even helped her come to terms with her feelings for Brittany; she was one of the few adults Santana trusted, and after the recent events, it was hard for her to trust anyone other than her few close friends.

The woman was still talking, unstoppable.

"You're one of the few students I'd like to catch up with now that I'm back for a little while. Let's join for coffee later; I'm taking you to the Lima Bean after school. Just you and I!"

"Well I... I don't think my parents will let me go out tonight." Santana answered, still a little bit dumbfounded, trying to get her ideas in order.

"Oh don't worry, I arranged all that with Sue. She called them an hour ago, telling them she had to keep you tonight for a _Head Cheerio mentoring_ before your big Championship in a few weeks. She sounded very convincing! So I'll wait for you on the parking lot at the end of your classes. See you later!"

Santana stared as Mrs. Holliday waved at her and turned around to go back to her classroom, still trying to understand what had just happened.

Everything had gone so fast, their exchange lasting no more than 2 minutes. Mrs. Holliday had apparently been waiting to run into her, probably even looking around for her; everything seemed planned, Santana hadn't even had time to say more than a few words or to object to the proposition.

It was beginning to feel a lot like an intervention. And although she loved Holly Holliday, she didn't know how she felt about that.

* * *

><p>They were sitting in a booth at the Lima Bean at the end of classes, and Santana was relieved to see that they were the only ones from McKinley. The Lima Bean was a popular spot amongst students, and she still cared enough about her reputation to wonder what people would think about her having coffee with one of the sub-teachers. She stopped looking at the other tables, and focused her attention back on Mrs. Holliday, who was still talking about the awesomeness of the Kiwi people she got to meet during her last escapade.<p>

"And you know, they organized this whole going-away party for me when I left... It was absolutely wonderful. So many fireworks and laughs! And the drinks! I know I'm not supposed to encourage teenage drinking, but let's say that when you decide to go to New Zealand, probably in your twenties, this is definitely something you'll have to try."

Santana couldn't help but smile. She had missed the woman's enthusiasm, her wonder for everything and anything, her incapability to stay in place. In some ways, she reminded her of Brittany, of what Brittany could be like a few years from now. This was definitely something she wanted to be able to witness, she thought with a little bit of nostalgia and hope.

"But enough talking about me." Holly interrupted herself, flashing a huge smile at Santana. "How are you doing, Santana?"

The question took her aback a little bit. She wasn't used to older people asking her how she was doing, and expecting an honest answer. She fumbled with her words.

"Well... Ok I guess. High school life, you know."

"I see. I'm not really worried about you on a school side, it seems to me like you're doing great. I heard some freshmen talk about you in terrified but admirative whispers, so I guess you're still one of their Queen Bees. I'm more interested in other aspects of your life, however. How is it at home?"

Santana frowned a little bit. It seemed like her instincts about an Holly-intervention had been right. She didn't know who was behind it all, but she would have to find out. She backed away a little, folding her arms over her chest.

"Who told you about that? What do you know?"

"It doesn't matter who told me, Santana." Mrs. Holliday's voice was calm, soothing. "What matters is that I'm on your side, and I want to hear your side of the story. I know you're experiencing some troubles with your parents, and I think it would be liberating for you to talk about it with someone who won't do anything about it behind your back. You can trust me, you know that. So, and I'm sorry if my question is a bit brutal, is it true that your parents are having a hard time accepting your sexuality?"

Santana tensed at the words, not ready to hear them spoken in someone else's mouth. It was one thing to try to figure things out on her own, to think about it day and night, but talking about it with someone who was neither Brittany, Quinn nor Kurt was entirely different. Especially if that someone was an adult. But then she remembered who she was talking to, how helpful Mrs. Holliday's advice had been in the past year, when her inner struggle had become too intense, and she relaxed a little.

"Yeah, I… I came out to them a few weeks ago, and it didn't go very well. It's been spiraling down ever since."

"I'm sorry to hear that." Mrs. Holliday said, and she really did seem sorry. "It's never a good situation when your parents don't accept who you are."

Santana nodded.

"Would you mind telling me how it happened? Did you tell them about Brittany?" Mrs. Holliday asked, careful not to push Santana too much, knowing how guarded she was about her feelings.

"No, I didn't talk about her. And about that… Between Brittany and I, it's not like you think it is." Santana sighted. "Everything is so damn complicated."

"Then tell me the whole story. I have all the time in the world."

So Santana told her everything. From the day she had confessed her feelings for Brittany in the hallway after Landslide and gotten rejected, to the song Brittany had sung for her a few days ago in Glee Club. She told her about her parents, about Puerto Rico, about gaining new friends and battling inner demons. She told her about her love for Brittany and the carefulness there was in every one of their gestures and words, about how scared she was of hurting her again, how scared she was of everything and how she didn't know what her life would look like in a few months, let alone in a few years. She told her how painful everything seemed to be and how every time she felt like it could finally get better, everything just crumbled around her once again. She spoke with an openness that would have been uncharacteristic for her a few months ago, but that she had become more and more used to during her recent conversations with Quinn.

Holly listened to everything without a word, nodding from time to time to encourage Santana to continue, taking little sips of her coffee without ever breaking eye contact with her.

When Santana finished talking, the night had fallen through the windows of the Lima Bean. Santana felt exhausted, but also relieved of a great weight; talking to Mrs. Holliday was liberating, and she felt a wave of gratefulness for her presence here, in a little coffee shop in Lima. She wasn't so angry against the person who had probably planned that intervention anymore.

Mrs. Holliday seemed to think for a little while before speaking, choosing her words carefully.

"This is a tough situation you're going through, sweetheart. I'm glad you told me about it."

She took another sip of her coffee.

"Now concerning your parents, it seems like the situation is as critical as I thought. I don't think they will send you back to Puerto Rico now that Sue has them tied around her little finger, but I think it's not good for you to keep being around the kind of negative influence they have on you. You're still a minor, though, so we can't really go against them either... This is something we will have to figure out together. If you accept?"

Santana nodded, not really sure what that meant. We? Was Mrs. Holliday willing to help her?

_How is she planning to do that?_

But she didn't ask, listening to the woman who kept talking.

"Great. In the meantime, we'll have to look for a permanent solution, but we're obviously not going to solve that in an evening." Mrs. Holliday continued. "Now, about Brittany... It's clear that you two love each other very much. So what is keeping you from getting back together? It seems to me like you're stuck in a limbo, where you're both very close, willing to get even closer, but unable to take that step forward. Why don't you take a step towards her? I don't know, maybe ask her out on a date?"

"I don't, I… I'm so freaking lost, miss Holliday." Santana said, almost in a whisper. "It's like I don't know what's right anymore. Like... I don't know if I'm good enough for her, because every time I try to take a step towards her, I end up hurting myself. Or even worst, I end up hurting her. She doesn't deserve to be hurt like this. I don't deserve her."

She lowered her head, trying to make sense of the contradictory feelings that battled in her chest. Mrs. Holliday lifted her chin to look at her right in the eyes.

"Listen sweetheart, you have to stop beating yourself up for everything you've both been through. You were scared. It's normal, even more considering the kind of parents you seem to have and the school environment you've both been evolving in. You're not Wonder-Woman, as much as you'd like to be. But if there's something I do know, it's that no one in here deserves Brittany as much as you do. Hell, I don't think anyone on this planet deserves more to be with her than you do, and vice versa! You two have been in love for so long, it's obvious that you belong together. Or that you at least deserve a shot at it."

"You really think so?"

"Hell yes, I do! And I would shout it from the rooftops if it didn't out you in the process. I have stayed in McKinley just long enough to see how people treat Brittany; it doesn't take too long to notice it. Everybody treats her like a dumb blonde, a child, and if I hadn't been that kind of girl when I was younger, I would have almost agreed with them at first sight. But you see past the appearances. You see the real Brittany, the one that understands everything about relationships and feelings, and who knows more than anyone else about random topics. You're the only one in here who understands her and loves her just the way she is, so just for that, you already deserve her. And she deserves you."

Hearing those words spoken by Holly Holliday with such strength and passion brought tears in Santana's eyes. It gave her the courage she had been lacking during the past few months, validating old feelings she hadn't allowed herself to feel in weeks. The doubts were still here but they were less loud, less easy to hear between the positivity the words brought. She lowered her head again, this time to hide her tears from Mrs. Holliday.

"I'm sorry." she said in a low voice.

"Hey, there's no need to be sorry." Mrs. Holliday put her hand over Santana's in a soothing gesture. "You've been through a lot, Santana, and crying doesn't make you weak. Sometimes, it's necessary."

Santana took a deep breath and wiped her cheeks.

"I don't know how to thank you, Mrs. Holliday."

"Oh please, call me Holly. After this conversation it feels too weird!"

They laughed a little, and then Holly directed the conversation to some lighter topics, willing to get Santana in a better mood before leaving her. She asked her about the Glee Club, if Rachel was still trying to control everything, if Tina had ever been able to finish a solo, and if Puck was still as good with his guitar as he used to be. When they were about to leave the coffee shop, Holly seemed to remember something.

"I'm gonna stick around for a while. Taking over some French classes while Madame Dutronc is on pregnancy leave. So if you ever need me…"

Holly Holiday grabbed a pen from her bag and wrote a phone number on a napkin.

"Give me a call. Any hour of the day or night, whether you want to talk about your parents, Brittany, or the best place to party in Rio de Janeiro. Alright? And if you agree, I would really like to meet you for coffee again next week."

Santana didn't have to think about it for a very long time. Speaking with Holly had lifted a little bit of her weight of her shoulders, and had brought her a lightness and positivity she hadn't felt in a very long time. She felt safe with her, gaining courage to go home and face her parents for the night. Her arrival in Lima almost felt like a tiny miracle she hadn't know she had been waiting for.

"I would love to."


End file.
